its hard..


when my survival instincts are warring with my only-want-to-make-you-happy instincts.


hmm.

not meant to be

its a safe..

safe thing.. this hate..

everything thats stoping me

"you're not good enough, you'll never get what you really want."

sure.

sure.


if i could kill myself now i would.

in a non-worrying sense.

in a peaceful, it'll-be-quiet-now sense.


you cant just fight with just anyone.

you have to have a bond to fight.

if you have that bond, oh, such a great bond.

but u've lost the one that allows you to work it out. make up. really, get to the bottom of it.

then, well. you're fucked, you.

you get to go off n fuck yourself now. sorry for the vulgarity.

n oh look, look what you've done.


sure.

sure.

you suck in this shit world.

nothing new that isit.


this is why we ...

starry starry night

When a guy says "Thats okay, some guys like that kinda girl", they are not one of those guys.

--

When i wanted to write about how, i didnt know how to act when you walked me home

because :

- i have a crush on you.

- in such a complicated, possibly indirect, not necessarily really about you kinda way.

- you have a girlfriend.

- n it is technically through her n my connections with her that i had a chance to know you.

- i cant remember. but Maybe because she was pretty possessive over you. coughcough.


But Why did you have to be an Aquarius!!

--

Also. I cant exactly Call your boyfriend to get him to sort out your mess for you, when you refused to give me his number, can i? kehkehkeh.

Dont worry. i struggle unbelievably against whatever feelings i might have for your boyfriend, in a way you can not possibly ever understand, so that I am probably the safest person around.

:p

Repetition

This is what it looks like from my side..

..........................

well i guess u cant know can you.
.....

(stop it)

only moments in time

yea i miss you.

n stuff too.

blablabla busybusy bla.

is wondering

"In particular, the things that we tend to forget most are the things that we feel do not matter to us. The things that we tend to remember most easily are the things that are important to us - like a special birthday." - patient.co

Aha. See, i didnt make it up. Patient UK agrees as well.

Hah.

---

If i took away sex from our conversations.

What would you talk to me about?

we get this sometimes

Today will forever be known as the day that i walked out of the house in one half of two Different pairs of shoes on each feet! (n got all the way to the hospital too before i realised!)

Things to be happy about today.

- My unfinished report getting an 'i'm impressed!' from my supervisor! Woot!
- Presentation that didnt get to be brilliant what with the lack of amenities! but was cool anyways. I'll enjoy all the pics i put in even if no one can. :p
- Lancaster (free ride n free food too! xmas lunch no less!) which was - Awesome~
- Snow in Preston. like. Serious snow man. (no, not enough to make a snowman though.)
- This being the day just past all the hormonal 'pre' period. *cough* (oo. Look at my most suitable use of words! Muahah!)
- The impending END to all this nonsense n OFF to DINNER n MOVIE n RELAXATION n PARIS (n LONDON!) after todayyyyyy!!!
(After i actually FINISH my report tonight though that is. Damn why didnt i actually Pay attention when she was telling me what to put in. Hm.)

Ah joy.

But.
Definitely not the THREE MARKS im short to an HONOURS GODDAMIT!

hah~

whee~
:)

a thought..

Friendships or relationships, they change all the time.
they grow or they ebb,
people drift in, drift out, or drift away.

Dynamics change.
Roles reverse.

Not many things stay the same.

Sometimes, you get closer, and then drift apart, and then get closer again.
Sometimes you find yourself missing out on the others life, but you both think, 'isnt this what happens?'
Sometimes, you find yourself slowly inching out, unknowingly maybe, until one day you go, "Hey, whats happened here? What do we have left? Maybe its time to bail."
Sometimes you wake up one day and think, "God, what have we done? How did we get to this?"

So when is it time to decide?
When is it time to reevaluate your relationships?
When isit time to wake up n choose which ones to hold on to, which ones to let go.
which ones to fight for. (not that many maybe)

Or do we all sit here quietly n 'let things take their course'
because after all,
why should we be responsible for who gets to be in our lives,
n whose lives we get to be in?

deflect

because i am editing the words i had thought up just a few minutes ago

what i will say is


this image of jumping off the ledge has been running through my head all weekend.

hmm indeed.


-
(maybe this is why i dont tell you, or anyone, how i feel.)


ladidadida.

wanting

I wanna stop crying. :)

:) :)



~Music n passionate circumstances.

"Go"

drifting

i think..

not just you,

but ive moved away from my friends as well and

its my fault i know

- circumstance

- change

its our responsibility and i mess up, i know.

we hold the keys to our lives

n i changed mine.

so, how now?

dont take it away..

it saddens me that its never (ever) you ... anymore..

did you know?

.

i miss you...


?
i wish i could tell you, (n maybe i'll be stupid n i will)

but i cant.

because you never fix me anymore.

you'll be blase or you'll be distant*
without knowing you are

n you never fix me anymore

n maybe thats how you know?
(i know)

that its not you.

how can it be?

when you dont, you could but you dont.

..
oh, silly silly me.

*or you'll do what you just did

n well, really, what was i thinking.

what was i thinking?

the ways in which you could disappoint me, somehow always manages to surpass my expectations.

n i dunno whos sillier now.

=)...

you know i love you

because im soooooo nice to you.

:p

always have, always will

you're fucking her up.

me

i would have sat across from him, i so would have, the way i like him.

(especially today. when there could have been alot of wow-ing. :p)

if it weren't for the many many things.

like how i wouldn't have known what to say.

n how jealous i would have been.

:)

No, its not a good place to be, so close to you.

---

n

i know what you're doing.

but you dont know what you're missing out on!

=).