Nex morning... i sense the dread.
my dad comes down late. Very late.
N i can tell tat he is pissed.
after a bit... i find something tat i can talk to him about...
but he answers me curtly...
hes pissed.
he doesn say anything tho, not until we go out.
not until we get into the car.
5 minutes in the car n he starts.
n i get a lecture.
1st it was 1 sentence.
n he asks if i understand.
but no. I do not underastand. Not at all.
n i wish to understand.
so i say no.
n so i get the lecture.
the thing is, turns out, its not the boy he has a problem wit.
its not the race, if tat were possible.
its the religion.
no.
its the way the religion is interpreted where we live.
N i can tell tat my dad isnt just being racist.
its bcoz he cares about me.
yes. i do think he is right.
be patient.
Its bcoz he is worried about me.
his main concern is tat, i will be cut off from my family.
(thank god he didnt mean tat He will cut me off from the family!)
Bcoz the way the law works where Islam is concern...
Will i be able to be wit them (bcoz admitedly, if my husband forbids it, legally i wont be able to.)
Will i be able to go wit them to places where chinese ppl go, but where Muslims are not allowed to go?
He can follow me, pray wit me, if i marry a Hindu or a Buddhist, but he cant if i marry a Muslim.
i do not noe wat to say here.
i wonder if u readers understand.
wat u understand.
N, as i sed... if anything ever happens at all... Everything Everything will be against me.
If he decides to take 4 wives. (yes i laughed)
If we divorce n he wants the children. (tis has always been on my mind. my dad didnt say it.)
If he mistreats me.
If i die...
N no, i didnt even have to tell him, i will divorce him if anything happens.
No.
Bcoz i too noe... i too noe tat after i divorce him, i will still remain a Muslim.
i will still be bound to Islam.
...
so he wants tis to stop before i get emotionally attached.
bcoz there can be no end.
n wat can i say?!
tat my boyfren isnt like tat?!
Well... whos to say he wont change wen he hits 40?!
no baby, i dun mean tat i think u will.
but u noe tat everything is possible.
N it isnt really him.
its the country.
the ppl who run the country.
who manage the legal system.
its wat they think n do tat matters...
...
is tat enough.
...
the thing is, after wat happened tat night, I did not tell them that he was my boyfren.
no.
I sed tat we were jus friends.
N so, my dad thinks tat he got to me in time.
got to me before i become emotionally attached.
before i cant get out.
Thing is, i am already emotionally attached.
But, my dad is right.
it is still early.
i can still get out.
yes, i can still get out.
But will i?!
do u say no?!
...
i do not noe...
bcoz, all these... all these is constantly on my mind>
before this they had not officially expressed their opinion.
now.
now the lies begin.
Will i Not get out?!
i do not noe.
I have never been one to believe tat i shud stop a relationship jus bcoz my parents disagree, jus bcoz they disagree base on his religion.
Bcoz i noe, i noe tat they are wrong.
but tats not it is it.
(but tats not my point either)
N now, im begining to understand wat my friend means...
my friend intends to break up bcoz she does not want to hurt her parents.
N now i understand.
From now on, every second tat i am wit him, in a relationship, or physically,
every second wud be a second tat i am goin against my parents.
How can i do tat to them?!
...
n the thing is...
bcoz of all this.
I am begining to not feel it...
i mean... now i am thinking, we probably arent even going to last that long.
yes. now im starting to get tat feeling more.
we will probably break up for other reasons...
maybe bcoz of the tension tis is causing.
maybe bcoz we will be separated in half a year.
maybe bcoz of the way things are n the way the world works.
maybe jus bcoz.
N tat has always been how i Wud want it to end IF it ends...
on its own.
on our own.
Previously i wud think, how can i live wit myself if i break up tis love... jus bcoz of wat my parents think?!
Bcoz of something tat I dun believe in.
Bcoz of something tat I Noe is wrong.
No.
If it happens, it has to happen bcoz we both decide tat it shud.
watever the reason.
but now...
if it is going to end anyways...
going to end soon...
for maybe even the same reason.
maybe even bcoz we cant take the tension tat tis is causing...
well, why not now?
n save all the pain tat we might have to go thru if this drags along..
all the pain our parents will feel if anything or watever happens..
all the guilt tat id feel.
All the fights we might go thru or the pain we might cause each other.
will i be able to forgive myself if i do this?
i do not noe.
u noe...
i probably wont.
not now, not yet anyways.
but... i might be stayin on for all the wrong reasons...
...
i wonder whether i have anything else to say.
oh.
jus so u noe, my dad still allows me to hang out with him.
No, i dunt hav to severe all ties with him or any other malay friend tat i might have.
I can still hang out n all.
as long as i do not go out alone wit him.
for dinner n a movie...
as long as i do not do anything tat wud suggest tat he is more then jus a fren.
...
ha.
...
I noe tat i probably hurt u by saying all this.
im sorry.
u noe i am.
I dont want to hurt u.
but at the same time, i want u to noe all tat im feeling.
tho admittedly, tis wud probably jus b half of it...
Please talk to me.
tell me if i hurt u. Tell me everything.
talk to me.
n if theres anything tat u do not wish to be out here, noe tat all u hav to do is say the word n i will remove it.
N Izzy, Liny, n all muslims out there.
or anyone who has taken offence.
i hope u do not mind.
N Please, I wud VERY VERY much welcome if u wud let me noe if i have offended u. n how i have.
Tat was not my intention.
N let me noe if anything i sed was wrong or does not apply. (bcoz there is alot my dad says tat, half does not apply... but still, to me, makes sense in a way)
N to everyone else.
please.
i wud love to have anyone say anything.
Oh n Izzy, after the lecture, i do not think tat my dad was being racist about the whole thing.
wat do u think?
