facade

See, this is what i do.


Get mad, n be mean.

Feel guilty for being mean.

Be nice (almost immediately)

Feel stupid for being nice.

Get angry and be mean again.

Feel guilty for being mean, again.

Be nice, stupidly, again.

N feel stupid, again.

..

I'm mad at you for everything..

I'm angry and i need to be mean bcoz you dont deserve any better,
n bcoz it makes me feel better..
to be angry..
its safer.

But when i am mean i feel sorry..
n den i am nice..

but you dont deserve it and it just makes me feel really stupid,
n lame..

n thats when i start being angry again.


its a cycle, as you can see.

But either side of the cycle im on, i still feel angry or stupid or bad.

Though you're trying to win, alot of it is still lose lose either way.

So what you have to do is jump off the wheel..

So you can walk on the straight road, no longer in the circle.

N feel bad.. yes..

But maybe eventually,

reach a better place.


I think that i have tried to jump off several times by now..

But it just doesnt seem to end,
the wheel just keeps coming back, hitting me, and picking me up again.

Once again tonight..

Maybe this time, it'll be for good.

Bcoz this time, i'm letting him pretend that everything is ok.
which is all he ever wanted.

to pretend.

N though it sucks that he gets to pretend that way, when it is not ok..

Atleast maybe this will get me away..


This is me being mean.
because i was just nice,
because i was mean...


Enough of pretend..

enough of holding on to nothing..

TIme to break away..

"this too shall past"

Chinese is such a beautiful language..

its just too bad that my chinese is getting more than just a little rusty..
hardly speaking it to anyone..
avoiding reading anything chinese whenever i can, (which is like 99.9% of the time)
never Ever writing anything.
I Swear i've pretty much lost my ability to write chinese anymore.
*need to read the dictionary* haha..

N i read a blog today..
Its actually one of those that i like.. the stuff that was written..
n it was in chinese.. which made it alot more difficult for me to read..
but it was also alot more beautiful than it would have been, had it been written in english.
so i actually ended up reading all that were shown.. which is seriously saying alot, considering i usually skip anything in chinese these days.

Unfortunately, at the same time, ahem..
this girl happens to be my friends girlfriend,
who happens to be treating him like crap at this moment so...
hmmmmm..
it is disloyal to appreciate a persons work at such times.
ahem..
but still, the stuff is all poetic n good n sad..

see, all along i havnt been very supportive of this relationship, tho usually i just let it be ofcourse..
but now and then when she treats my friend badly, obviously i dont like it..
n the latest drama..
shes really going overboard..
but after reading her stuff..
its like, maybe i hope they can talk it out n atleast truly understand whats going on
coz i guess, it shows that she atleast does love him.
n i tend to appreciate feelings and emotions in people..

im sure i had a little trouble understanding the blogs fully tho.
hmm.


" George, what will he do? "

" You were jealous?"
" Crazy jealous."

" Except for the hot affairs we'll have twice a year."
" Except that."

" Otherwise the moment just... passes you by..."

But the thing is.. Love just isnt everything.
it isnt enough.
n sometimes, it isnt even anything at all.

cleavage

June was a long time ago..

but 2 years is a short time..

N just when i was feeling proud of myself.

Why do I still let you make me do things for you...

No matter what you say.
Lets not cheat ourselves on who's good its really for.


I think he has an antenna to sense when i am most vulnerable..
Coz thats always when he hits me
N i seem to have no choice but to follow..

but then again, even if it wasnt one of my more vulnerable moments..
i doubt i could have done much differently.

But still, this sensor theory...

Just when i think of you the most..

I have to hand it to him...

Because the alternative is telling you, I don't give a rats ass what you do with your life.

again

I wish there was a point in talking to you.

A point in telling you I hate you.

N I love you.
n I miss you.

I wish there was a point.

---

I met someone.

Watch it burn, let it die,
cause we are finally free tonight.

use me as you will

Alone.

Throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape..

They dont care.

I do.

We wont hear a word they say, they dont know us anyway..

Why am i such a bytch sometimes?..

Why do i make a big deal of things that other ppl dont care about.
Am i that stupid?
Grr.. Stop making me feel stupid.

Well you cant please everyone.

---

Whats the point of studying if you're gonna fail anyways?

Why is it so hard to study when i did fine my last sem?

N its not funny.
What would you know?

---

Do you know how tiring it is?

to always be the one to try to work things out.

The one who gets cheated on
taken for granted
used and dumped whenever you fancy?

To be the one that TRIES
despite all that.

not get up and walk away like so many of you do.
not drop something so easily just bcoz you dont even care enough to try

to try to Fix things
to try to Help
to try to make You feel better.

But in return?
Only looked up when You feel like it.
dropped the second theres someone else you want around
dropped the second you're done using me for whatever it was you wanted.
Treated like Crap just bcoz you have your goddam temper.

Show a little respect for the things people do for you, will you.

Not just care about the times you think we let you down.
How about all the times we dont?

You cant just change tack just like that.
leave just bcoz you have someone better.
forget all we've done
n get mad at things that arent even our fault
just bcoz you dont want to be there anymore.

..

Why am i always the one hanging on
holding on
holding it all together.

Looking past all your crap.
all of you.
n still being there.
still trying to listen, to help.
still trying to make you feel just a little bit better.

Bah.

I'm past all that.

never come

“I try to talk to you, but I don't know what to say. I am afraid you don't want me to say anything. So I don't. But inside of me there are words waiting to come out.And tell you how I feel-like how I miss you. And how I love you despite my broken heart.And how I need you in my life. And especially how much I want you.But those words may forver stay in my heart-locked inside.Sometimes I wonder if there are words locked inside you too... but I'll never know.”

I didnt write that by the way.
(I wouldnt. ahem. =p)

Go heeeerree.

Just put it up coz i tot it was rather sweet. n stupid at the same time.

Lots more sweet n stupid things where that came from. =P


Am supposed to be doing PBL (work)

PBL is bad.

(PBL is an evil ploy by the university to Pretend to actually be doing their job and Teaching us when actually all they're doing is just shaking legs n sucking up all our money!
Where we sit around in groups of ten n discuss cases that they throw at us, have to go back n read up to present at the next meeting.)

I proposed an Anti PBL Society!
where we all sit around n bitch about PBL n refuse to do it (tho eventually having to succumb to such trivial matters in the end.)

Oh wait.
We already do!

Bah!

Why should i be doing PBL when there are much more interesting things
like TV for example
or peeing
or wasting time looking up random sappy quotes.
to do.

Bah.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

Lol.

seriously

I attempted to blog.

but then i got bored with what i had to say.
(n thats really bad coz if it bores me.......)

so i erased it n am writing this instead.

riiight.

Im so lazy.

I just need a good book to read.

Watched : Final destination 3.
Mercury rising.

Both great shows.
In completely different leagues but, great shows.

Gd night.

PS, oh n also Charlie n the Chocolate Factory but that was kinda lame. Willy Wonka was spastic. N i cant believe Johnny (Depp) looks so young n milk-teeth-y.. Oh n hard to believe hes Jack Sparrow too. Willy Wonka that is.

Right. Nites.

above

Exams over now.
for now.

they sucked big big big time btw, but we wont get into that just yet..

N now that exams are over,
as usual,
have lost mood to blog.

Haha.

Mood to blog is mostly abundant during study-for-exam weeks as we are all looking for ways to slack.

Oh well.

Now to enjoy short short reprieve before next horror starts on monday.

Oh wee.
(see? i am excited!)

Oh watudo watudoo..
must make most of free time.
hmm.

Ok.
Shud go shower now.
or forage for food.
either is good.

Gooood.

Your gurdian angel

Found something..

Saving it here for use 4 months, 19 days from today..


[Edit : {21/11 1.31am} Had to repost vid coz apparently after a while, it stops working.. Which means i'll have to repost somemore in the nex few months. Was dead just now when watching the vid. So maybe when you watch it a few months from now, it wont mean anything either. But im guessin even if, you wont admit that. Linking for good measure.]

First it was just that it was from FF n so i clicked to see..
den, nevermind that the song is beautiful..
its called something that i've been looking for for a long long time.
something like that

N i guess it correlates with what will be engraved.. at said date..
if all works out.

Just, enjoy.

so good so far

The last i wrote about my new bloggie over at blogspot
they wudnt let me put up my sloganizer slogan!

So i was bloody pissed off n sad n all.. =P

But now, i found out how to do it!!
(Actually not tat i actually 'found out' anything.. i think i was just using the wrong html code the last time.. haha)
N Now i have THREE slogans on my blog! THREE!
Lol!
So now i'm Happy!
Happier atleast..
All of a sudden the new blog seems slightly acceptable after all..
haha..
I'm changed the template..
N moved bout 3 months of stuff over there.. just for the feel..

N guess what?!
I found the colour changing settings!
So...
Its YELLOW!!

Yayyy..
it is indeed yellow!
Do go take a look!
coz i think i wanna change it back to white or something.. hahaa..
or maybe not.
haha..

But the thing as a whole is still a lil sucky so far..
Hate the blogging page..
looks so lame..
Someone let my know if they can change that or something... =(

Hey I've even put up a blogboard so do go n leave a msg! (omg i sound weird...)
N its yellow too! Weeeeee..

Moving the posts weren't tat bad..
though ofcourse moving 300 posts is gonna suck alot more than just 20.. =/
But even suckier wud be moving all the comments.
which i guess i plan to do.
U G H.
N look! Now that i'm posting this here, I'll have one more to move!
hahaa..

Blardy blogcity.

Actually i'm not at 300 yet.
290 i think.
Maybe i'll post till i reach a full 300 before officially moving over?
Then again if i continue posting here i might just never move. (till i get kicked out.)
hah.

OK gotta go gotta go.
Lots ta study. (not that im gonna)

The articular surfaces are configured and positioned in such a way that normal loading enhances the closeness of their fit.

Oh just give me bout a week or so..
till exams are over..
den maybe i'll blog a lil more huh.
may-be.

I'm hungry.

I am a little stupid potato..

n i hate sounding this hyper

so..

Chao..

pointing to the moon

I crashed my car today.

Blehhh...

3 weeks before i turn 21 and my Probation license (happens to) expires!
3 weeks!

Dogdarnnit!

My mum says it was because i was wearing all black. (yea, even the insides were black... ahem.. =/)
n had a band on the right sleeve of my shirt that reminded her of mourners bands.

I say it was because she cursed me.

Bah..

* note how i very slyly inserted information about my upcoming 21st.. cough cough...*

I intend to break away from such superstitions!
I must!
Especially since this whole week is my black week!
I intend to wear black the whole week see.
(except maybe Friday.. we'll see)

Why?
bcoz im all dark n moody?
bcoz i intend to revert back to my 'teenage rebellion' seeing as my age is suddenly catching up on me?

Bcoz black is a nice colour la!
N bcoz 6 of the 8 tops i recently bought (+1) are black.
n i wanna wear em.

Haha.

Anyways, so,

illegal things took place today..
tsk tsk tsk...

Maybe it was just the date.
Y'noe.
y'noe y'noe.