'discharge' protocol you supposedly came up with

Depressed.

i apologize.

but there is more and nothing to be said about that oh well.

So i think about the amazingly adorable 3 1/2 yr old with ?asthma and speech delay and his planting the sloppiest kiss on my lips ever.

And the whiny cutey today who reached out to me to be carried/cuddled even when he was with mum.

And Iron infusion vs. Blood transfusion - same difference.

evinced (but not)

Theres a good reason why we shouldn't open up n talk about our dark secrets.

ps. i need cake

need serious self injury at the moment.

The things i didnt say..

Hey _____?

Erm I'm gonna make a silly proposal now but just bear with me.. n erm.. don't say no too quickly?.. :p

Do you have somewhere you desperately need to be at now?

Something waiting for you at home?

Well, i know you're all dressed and ready to go now but,

why don't you park that bike back where it was parked before,

n you n me go across to the pub,

and i'll buy you a drink?

the last 3 days

Number one.
what kind of relationship can it be when i have to be afraid?
its no wonder i dont really trust you.. or anyone..

Number two.
please stop using me, after 3 hrs sleep and 14 against my will.
im so tired inside.. because, it hasnt been good and its exhausting when you trample over my free will..

oh god, fear vs. will, who'dve thought i could apply a marvel movie to my life.

really, its only the people you love who can hurt and disappoint you.

want me a lil bit more..

"theres no gravity.."

How can you ask so much from someone you respect so little..

back

if you didnt hope, maybe you wouldnt want. as much.

i wish we weren't.


if we weren't,
there wouldnt be hope,
there wouldnt be want.
as much.


(but)
how empty would it be when there was no hope?

note,
i dont want to be something thats pretending to be special, but isnt really.
id rather we be honestly non-special.

id rather (???) we be none.

(but then again?)

but then again.

i guess when you cant have what you truly want,

nothing else can be good enough.

--
but i'm ok.

insomniacs hold

if you must know,

i think about going. alot of times.
this being one of those times.

(will u ever let me?)

not like theres anything Here for me anyways

its not like we can talk.

its not like you let me just, find you.

n thats great, thats where we are, if we weren't here i wudnt be where i am.

so.
anyways.

maybe when you dont just keep us where we are; it messes things up.

so.

Dont look for me, because i cant give you anything. because you wont let me.
so dont look for me. because it Sucks for me, when i cant give you anything.

ARGH, END already.

2.53am

to cut through all the whining :--

i found out what you keep me around for

(great timing, just as ive been questioning as well.)

..someone needs to get u to get, it doesnt make a difference if im there.


ps. wish i was allowed to whine more.
:)

you and me

Sometimes, many times, i'm faced with the decision of picking between you and me.

Most times i'll pick you..
and i'll regret it.

Sometimes i'll pick me..
and i'll regret it.

Win-win this, isn't it?

Dont sit outside the cave door

ah, its been awhile, again.

Today i learn that i am tropical weather. and green.
not just green green, but green of the grass during the night.

I dunno about the green though, but i guess i could be the still of the grass during the night.
Like dusk. I would like to be dusk.
But maybe i am a later time than dusk.

Rambles.

Tropical weather.
N if you wanna know why the outlook is overcast, its because having you in my life brings on the rain.
You are my forecast.
You are what gives them the scorching sun, and the relentless rain.
but now, mostly the rain.

Ah well.
Relented.
a moment of weakness and 'added more of you to my life'
well, well.
tumultuous.

Upsetting though..
To be like the guy in Perfume.
while you will always be, like the last girl he sought, the prized one.
hmm.
ah well well well.

i wish i may, i wish i might,
but whats the point of wishing on a star at night.


P.s. oh but dont let that make you think i am unhappy.

=)

=)

if i accept this,

it just means ive lost respect for who you are..

except

...

n den i realize (not for the first time, no) that what we have is not anything special at all,

so, interchangeable, so many copies of which you have with so many someone else's,

n now, so much More you have with them.

(thank God i knew i didnt want to add more of you to my life.)

Bcoz, what, we're "living separate lives".

Sure. Thats what i tell you, n you tell me.

But honestly, it wouldnt come in the way if you didnt let it.
not for me anyways.

But i do now.

As did you.

But THATS NOT THE POINT.

see, i dont WANT it anymore, because you clearly dont so Fine by me now.
why keep fighting.


Nothing special.

except the extra bits that you want.

because no one else will give it to you (now).

I'm sorry but you dont get it. Not because i say this is why we cant n you 'get' that.
that is secondary.

Firstly it is that, you want this, but i want that n you wudnt give me that.
so why in the world do you think that i should give you this then?

like some cheap .....

.

im sure it sounds bad.

but in a way it is.

i want to know that we, that i, am more,
not more than anyone else, no.
just, more than nothing. more than ..... more than what i cannot say (because i protect you, even here, atleast that much).

that i am a person.

to be respected just like all the rest, all the rest who have not given as i have given because i have given up my dignity.
(i have given up my happiness. and a more healthy choice of living)

n words were never enough.

how could words replace fact.
or replace actions.
or feelings.

how could, reducing the frequency be something i should.. be Thankful to you for when the Right frequency is zero.
not that im not thankful.
but that i should commend it? or reward it? with more?

see,
maybe it feels like you can blame me for not 'giving in' to you the occasions when you want it,
but maybe you dont get that for years, you havent had to 'give in' to me, to the part of this that i really want.
not the small, subsets of excuses. not the alternative pathways that i've built to get through this thing that is us.
my want that is vs. your want.
you'll have yours when you give me mine.
that is as fair as fair is.


separately,
sometimes i wish i could delete you from my life.
because you dont know half of the back n forth i do whenever you deign to be a part of it.

because i dont want to be hurt, n hurt in return.

.

n these are my private thoughts.

dont hold it against me if i havent shared them with you.

ty.

...
From sept 30, 2007 :

" George, what will he do? "

" You were jealous?"
" Crazy jealous."

" Except for the hot affairs we'll have twice a year."
" Except that."

" Otherwise the moment just... passes you by..."

But the thing is.. Love just isnt everything.
it isnt enough.
n sometimes, it isnt even anything at all.

no i wont be there for you

Ramblings :

Hah! I Told you it was Lifehouse! Just because i dont recognise the song, how can i not recognise that sexy voice~ :)

.

// Did you know, that our songs' actually made the top 5?
cool huh.
or, twisted. hmm. //

.

Another heartbreak song. How do they liveeee with themselves???

(<-----)

.

N den we finds Everwood.

(n the boy)

both heartbreak.

just watching the video, i can Tell that this is a heartbreak show.

it annoys me.

.

Dam its a loooong time since i've felt this way.
hm.

.

Set to watch the pilot before i sleep tonight.

.

yea.

i reeaally dont think i should have (wanted you so much that ive) done that.

try.

.

Walking into heartbreak territory.

:)


(8) All this time is passing by
I think it's time to just move on~