if only one cud cry..

This morning
i had to wake up way too early for my own good.
For class.
At 8.30.
Which i havnt had to do for TWO years now if i rmmbr correctly..
(unless u count those csu sessions.. which even den were like, wat, 2 sems ago?!)

ANyways. Whatever it is. It is an ungodly hour.
Ungodly.
Made worse when theyve gotten me SO used to getting up waaay after 12 for the past year!
N it definitely does not help tat when my 8.30 session finishes an hr n a half later, I have to Wait.
6 FRIKIN HOURS.
Till 4pm for my next class!

UGH!
How UNproductive is Tat!
i mean, not tat i'd be doing anything particularly productive otherwise but still...
Sleep! Sleep y'noe...
Tats pretty high up the priority list!

>>>

Messy day...

messy messy...

number of ppl with messy issues in front of me today too..

doesnt help.....

>> y'noe what..
i was gonna whine about my stuff as usual..
coz y'noe, tats what i do right. =P

But somethings jus happened tats putting things in perspective for now..
sucky n shitty n crappy things might be
but there're actually people going thru really serious things in life right now..
n when they're ppl u know..
...
its just not right to be whining bout some stuff..

so tonight..
i'll just finish this off..
take a shower
n probably plop in bed..

coz its been a long day..
long day of doing nothing..
which is actually alot more tiring than doing something...

n though there are things i shud be doing before bed..
im obviously gonna skip them again..
coz tho i wont whine about things..
somethings are still too much to handle.. =P
like actually being a lil hardworking, for one.


I'll say one thing though..
Having your friends voice indignation on your behalf is a dog-dam decent feeling..
:)

Thanks alot guys..

May God bless you too..


Listening : Perilously here - Scott Moffatt


P.S. Ahem.. it Wud have been nice to hear you say my friends friend is not your friend either but one cant expect so much right? Dont worry, i dont.. =P One can hope tho.. =P

n im not coming back

You havnt changed one bit.

But i guess neither have i.


Need someone to tell me im right.


No arguments Fleur, no arguments..


N to think i actually thought that u cared.


Not brave enough to ask you to just leave me be.

For fear that you would.


But close enough..


Need someone to tell me im right..


N it’s the way u say it..

Maybe you never will..

N I’ll never feel too evil.

Cause i'll know u’ll always be ok.


n still i shed tears for you..

"should we care?"

why care about people who dont care about you right?

ive heard it from a few ppl these days..

but its not always tat simple is it?
yep..

sometimes you cant help it.
n sometimes,
u do it because u give allowances...

i'm tired.
why shud i even give a shit.
when all my shit (ahem) is only look upon with disdain.
(n dun say wat dyu expect. its metaphorical!)

it gets really reeeeaaallly really tiring y'noe wen ya try to be nice
but only get shot down
when u look past it all n try again (n again)
n u still get shot down

sometimes, many times,
u try to understand
bcoz one shud always try
bcoz one wants to
n bcoz one owes the other tat much

but many times,
it just goes way beyond understanding.

n u wonder if ure just being really stupid,
giving all this shit only to have it thrown in ur face.


so this is me not caring.

---

bad week..

i wanna talk to you too..

but whats the point when its not gonna change anything...

you only ever reach back when i pull away..

its the journeys home that're the worse..

wish me good night

Hey there delilah,

do you think im stupid?
do u think i keep harping on things tat i shud hav let on go by now?
tho i only mention because u asked..
do you think to urself 'im not interested' as i go on n on n on?
do u rather i didnt say?

i wonder..

Hey there delilah,

you must think im crazy!
for putting something up there for all to see.
tho the person its directed to, the only person it might matter to, i hav made sure wont see
i am not tat evil after all.
it is just a reminder to me..
but u must think it is still really crazy.

i am.

Hey there delilah,

did you think i was really lame?
for being indecisive about what to pick.
for going in the second time uninvited, assuming tat i wud be welcome?
for wanting to spend a lil more time..

Hey there delilah,

yes i am stupid.
but im working on it, n im much cleverer other times..
yes i am crazy.
but as no one gets it but me, it is only ever a signal to me..
yes i am lame.
but with my reasons, surely, i can be forgiven.. it is only once in a blue while..

Hey delilah,
i wont wish you..
but i will wish the dream
gd nite..
sweet dreams tonite..

Momentarily untitled

What I have done this hols:

1. NOT moved to new blog. (need to be kicked in the ass for tat. no! not literally! I'll settle for mentally. really.)
2. Not Found new blog to move to.
3. KLCC on Sat.
4. 1U on Mon.
5. 1U on Tues.
6. Midvalley on Weds.
7. Asam pedas at hometown on Thurs!
8. Fishy soup (n asam pedas!) at hometown on Fri.
9. Youtube on Sat.
10. Sort of Subang parade on Sun but not really really oso..

{ Words u might not understand above are either names of Shopping centres or of food. =P }

As u can see..
Busy busy occupied huh.
But not reeaally either.. Lots of healthy boredom n moping about doing nothing as well..

Oh ya n definitely

11. LOTS of Not doing anything productive.

Yup. that about sums up my hols.

>>
Thing is, more than half my outings were with old friends n alot of times it feels obligatory.
like. purely obligatory.
Thruout the whole week i had to plan a Number of outings with said friends bcoz ofcourse, holidays are times for obligatory meetings.
Friends that i have not seen for, say, a year or so n now that we 'can', we 'Must' meet up.
Right. Must.

sigh.

They're not all disastrous of course..
yea the few i Hav had so far were... okay..
(n yes.. i will admit here.. some i did, purely to get it off my back....)

But i have one more set for today.
Today because if i dont, there will Be no other time.
N as i said earlier, we Must of course.

[Edited]
Why do you make it such a big deal when you know we have nothing left to say?
You know that everytime we talk nowadays its always the same lame stuff just to avoid the awkward silences as much as possible.
what have we still got in common now that we can talk about?
How much do you still care?

N its not that i dont care.

I'm just being realistic.
n Honest. (tho admittedly, this honest part is completely in secret as ofcourse, i agreed to the outing.)
I miss you.
but what i miss is what we Used to have. n what will never be anymore.

So tonight i will see you.
N i hope that You will hav something to say.
bcoz i'm too tired to dig up things to say n find u uninterested anyways.

N Why do I make This such a big deal?
because I was the one who cared n You were the one who walked away.
because I had to learn to accept n now You are here pretending.
n I am not gonna pretend bcoz, Firstly I do not pretend.
n Secondly, you do Not get to pretend when,
again,
You were the one who walked away, n I was the one who cared.

Yes,
I am sorry.
N i do feel guilty.

So, tonight, I will see you.
n maybe it wont be so bad after all.

Try harder wont you.

---

I had really weird, freaky dreams early this morning.

The first was that I'd Missed an exam!
UGH!
Boy was that freaky.

First, i'd woken up late, n had Completely no idea that the exams were held that day!
Something to the effect of.. There only having been 2 weeks of classes, n i'd not checked my timetable to see when the exam was, Yet, coz Usually.. USUally my exams are held at the end of 4 weeks.
so..
ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

N den ofcourse i arrive at the place where EVERYone was sitting for the exam.
(at like.. 9.08 or something.. exam started at 9 apparently..)
I was outside some house or something, n i was cycling.. i think..
n i pass everyone sitting at separate exam tables n Den it hits me and i freak!n i cycle along the rows waiting to u-turn to get there so i can take the stupid exam too when..
er.. i dunno.. i guess i Think that it might be held at this other house..
So i'm at the house nex to the one i wanna go to (which is down the road from the first btw)
n i try to get to the one i wanna go to..
n i forget wat happens but it TAKES A WHILE!
n i FINALLY get there n den i realise that the exam IS NOT THERE AFTER ALL!
N den i rmmbr that i REALLY shud head back to the FIRST house..
but again.. i forget why..
but i was HELD UP!

until
FINALLY...
i cycle down the road to the first house..
n a couple ppl are moving past me, opposite direction, n i see one of them is my batch rep.
n he stares after me incredulously!
N i get Near enuff to the house to realise that the EXAM IS OVER!!!
N Den it Hits me again that as its 10.30! (God knows how i know the time in the dream..)
N my exams oni last for an Hour!
I ALREADY MISSED MY EXAM!

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

sigh.

quite freaky.
n something about telling my dad i MISSed it. Ugh.
But tat wasnt bad, coz he pretended to not freak out, for my sake i guess. Tho tat wud ofcourse ONLY happen in my dreams. Tsk.
N anyways, his NOT freaking out was actually kinda scary.

N den at some point i woke up.
Fortunately.
N digested how freaky the dream was!
But also consoled myself tat as it was a dream, it was NOT really happening.
N wud be unlikely to happen!
That is, the Not knowing its Exam day shud be unlikely!!!
The missing the exam is completely plausible.
haihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Scary isn't it.
The thought tat you dont even have any friends to TELL you that you're having n exam.
Haha.


Ok. Gonna head to class now.

The allegory of the city

THANK God for Youtube~!

Yesh..
Will elaborate later..
*yawns...*

Gonna get some sleep.
2.15pm now n ive been trying to get off youtube n go sleep for the past few hours!
No im not addicted to youtube..
Im addicted to what i was Watching on youtube!
Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *grins*

have calmed down somewhat from when i started watchin..
hehe..
or i'd be gapping n gawping here..

Anyways.
yea sleep.
Slept from like 3-6am..
barely..
cudnt get comfortable for the first hour!
N den drove back here from hometown down south..
Been up at at comp since.

So i think i deserve some sleep..

yup.. ok.. gonna bed now..

kisses!

P.S. Listening to AWEsome tunes! I luv my Baby!

not me, not me

Found a Great new song a few days ago n been listening to it since.

Now its become my new theme song! Taking over from Good Charlotte's Dance Floor Anthem
bcoz its so Nice n SO Healthy!

Hahaa..

Chris Daughtry - Over You

Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep.
Guess I let you get the best of me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming.
I should've started running
A long, long time ago.
And I never thought I'd doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure.
I guess it's really over.
I'm finally getting better.
And now I'm picking up the pieces.
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
Well I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
Well I got over you.
I got over you.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Theres something bout the after-exams..
where u get too lazy
n tend to slack off bloggin.

Atleast i do. =P

Need to go a-hunting for blog providers or hosts or wateverucallit
have one at blogspot (same pagename) but havnt moved posts as not very please with it..
Hmmm...

Imma picky picky.

Soo, I'll be seeing ya. (i hope)

You've gotta try harder than that. You dont want it enough.
Thats my answer to you, for now till always.

this ones for me

Wasn't there a time when you held me n i cried
for no other reason than
because of the feelings that overwhelmed me?

i cant remember it..
but a vague memory of such a thing occuring..
(almost like in a dream.. or another world..)
very early in our... world.. (it must have been.)

..ah yes.. there it is.

it was in that cafe.
the one with our quiche
n our rice

our chocolate
n my milo.

there was your shoulder
n the waiter
n words mumbled through the waterworks

the table behind the counter
the glass door.

n i cant exactly remember why it happened
but i remember that even back then
i didnt really know,
there wasnt really a reason.

idiopathic, we call it here.

just the sadness that suddenly overflowed
a single tear.
n den the overpowering feelings.
threatening.
n there was right there
the ready made, safe place
to let it go..


funny, wasnt it..
cute, you said.
ya right huh.
haha

funny, wasnt it..

nah, there you go..

this ones for you.

4.48

You are always so flippant in deciding to throw stones into my lake

you never see the ripples that they so callously make.

(oh look i rhyme)


From your very words
you obviously dont want it enough.

n that is precisely why i cant give it to you.


No more jerking around, intentional or otherwise.

No more easy way outs,
cheap attempts to free urself of guilt.

No more.


Until the moment you realise what it has all meant.

Until you finally know what words to take out of your mouth...

n that will take a while. possibly forever.

which is perfect coz in the mean time

I will be doing my lil dance.

:)

doesnt mean tat i dont want to

It is 3.27am of this fine (one can hope) friday morning
n i am eating (n bloggin, clearly)
to avoid studying.

:p

7 days to exam.
I have yet to start this late... ever? (not since sec sch la atleast)
hehe.
consoling self by saying that this block is lousy lameass pointless stupid bullcrap that should not (should not, not as in wont, but as in life shudnt be this way!) require so much studying.
but ofcourse as the world would have it, it is precisely the lousy lameass pointless stupid bullcrap crap thats so hard to study as our brains just arent trained to retain crap.
examinable crap that is. all other crap is obviously very readily retained.

Ofcoz, 7 days is the technical timeline countdown thingamajig thingy.
the Allyssa-clock, or the attempt-to-deceive-self-time recorder thingythingy still pretends assumes that tis is still thursday
to ahem.. pretend aTtempt to cover todays quota
the quota set to allow self to finish lectures before exam time
the quota which changes everyday as every days quota is religiously unfulfilled (untouched more like)

tsk tsk tsk.. bad girl bad girl
today shall be different yes? 'today'.
it has to be!
ahhhhhhhh.. pick up first lecture note of block.
ahhhhhhhh.. i remember thisss (vaguely)
yes yes.. this is one of the, wat? two? lecture notes i attempted to pretend try to be hardworkin with sometime in the first(?) week.
worked out well it did!
promptly went thru a page or two before pleasantly giving up.
precisely why the first few pages are highlighted while the back is very nicely, untainted.

:p

grew alot smarter in the 2nd week of class, i see.
none of my notes are touched! (infact i didnt even Get my notes till yesterday! Hah!)
clearly didnt even bother to erm.. bother.
=P

Ofcoz (again) this is Utterly unbecoming! (of a... wat?!..)
Especially as i jus heard today!
Statistics of results of last exam is out!
Oni half the no. of students who managed to obtain an A for the exam before tat, got an A for this last one. (Ofcoz the no. is still frikin high. Like > a quarter of the whole frikin class ok! Stupid lousy UNSTUPID ppl of my stupid Unstupid class! GRR!)
but that obviously means that for the exam before that (n the one before that too!) more than Half the stupid (unstupid) class got a friggin A! URGH!

A NY WAYS!!!

in short.
all the above ==> bad news ==> bad omens (ok not really omen but wtf.) for results.
maaaybe they shud start releasing our results a liiiittle earlier.
atleast TAT might get us studying.
(or not. :p)

OK OK ENuff bout results results!!
Pfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
get the picture yes.

Good.
Coz i Must get to studying.


Read : Finished reading Hannibal Rising. My fake xmas prezzie, rmmbr? I see i have the dvd too! Must get to watchin that sometime soon. errr... maybe after the 'xams eh? heh.

Listening : Hey there Delilah - Plain white T's



Dont try to be nice to me just bcoz u feel guilty.
I'm only nice to u bcoz im supposed to.




4.19 am. Time to study. Lets hope this time i'll atleast be able to finish this one eh.