when water meets earth

Friday:

Someone made me feel bad today...hai...:(

[EDIT: I took off the events that i wrote here coz...well...i was talkin bout ppl i noe...who noe me...Anywayz...]

I wonder whether i ever make other people feel like dirt...
Because this person im talking about is a nice person.
Sometimes. Most of the time.
Helpful. Friendly. nice...?
Nice to me sometimes too.
But sometimes...i think kinda looks down on me...
Hmm...
well i sure hope i dont do that to other people....
But if i did, i dont think id know.

Guess all of us really need to pay attention to all the little things we say and/or do.
If it just affects wat other people think about us, some of us might not care so much.
but wat if it affects how other people feel about themselves???

Weird thing about this place.KL.
I dont think i'd ever been look downed at back in my hometown.
In fact, i dont think i really cared what others thought of me back then.
I was comfortable with myself, sure of myself, held myself well...
Very few people could make me worry about what i was.
well not among my peers anyway...
But this year has been totally different.
Here at college suddenly im all insecure.
looking up at everybody(almost) n feeling stupid about myself.
When people talked in groups i wonder whether i should join them, whether i was allowed to, whether i would be welcome...
stupid dumb pathetic stuff.
Dare not speak to people unless spoken to...
ok la, not with my classmates, or those i can call friends la...
but still with some people.
people that i like i guess.

hmm...
wonder why is it that way here...

hmmm...didnt think id write all that extra crap.
Cant add too much aldy though...using library comp, have someone standing behind me...

Ugh. too much crap. ;)
till nex time.

BTW, sorry bout d last entry. :) Just woke up feeling bad. ;)

err....ok...bye.

corkscrew

I Hate liars and cheaters!
People who can fib without so much as a twitch!
I hate people who tell u how much they love you
and how they have never been 'this' close to anyone before
People who can look at you with So much in their eyes!
And the next thing you know,
it was All in your head!
So what if they said they love you?!
They loved a million other people as well!
And people whom were nothing to them compared to you, now are used to compare to you!
People whom they use to complain about, now were missed while you were forgotten.
Never been so close with anyone before!?Hah!
But then you find out that even At that time when they had 'never been so close with anyone like they were with you,' Apparently there were still people who were more important than you!
AT THAT VERY TIME!
"Its not that i dont want to tell you, I just tend to tell her...!"
"I always tell her everything. Even last time, she knows all the small small details."
HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BE 'CLOSE TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN' AND THEN BE MORE COMFORTABLE SHARING WITH SOMEONE ELSE?!?!
If you Love someone else More why the **** do you tell me otherwise!
Put thoughts in my head and then.....

Dont you Touch me or look at me like that!
Dont you Talk to me just because you need something from me!
Dont you DARE complain that i dont tell you stuff!
Who the HELL are you now?!
Just use your freaking brain to think! What do you do when i try to tell you things?!
Do you even LISTEN?! NO!!!
So why the **** should you complain Now?!

but i cant wish that u'd leave me alone......

Dont you DARE tell me that I should or shouldn't do this or that!
Or that you prefer certain things 'that' way, when the ******* reason Im doing things 'this' way is because YOU TOLD ME TO!!!
Change your mind and I'm supposed to Follow?!
After the Shit you've done to me I'm supposed to LISTEN to you?!?!

Hah! I would have done So much for you, just a while back.
Dint use it den did you?
Well, too bad!
Dun think I'll sacrifice stuff just for you this time!
Not now.

I hate life
I hate living it
I hate the ways of the world.
I hate that I dont have friends
the kind of friends I need
I hate knowing that no one i know now can ever be what you were to me..

And I HATE it that you have everything now!
After what you did to me!

Its such a wonder, you know, that I dont hate you...
That I still help you when you want...
That I'm actually not bitter. haha
just get bouts of anger? once in a blue moon...

what do I get?

*breathes*

I hate that I'll live...

Riding the tsunami

Apparently didnt get my JPA. hmm... I have no idea as to wat im goin to do... But i Do know that my heart (n brains) were already closed to this place...not straight from the begining, but ever since the 1st teacher stepped in...well err no, the 1st teacher was ok....well, closed to each (most) teacher(s) the moment They stepped in... THEY SUCK! Well dun really wanna get into insulting them now. That doesnt seem ok...hmm... But anyways well, ive taken on a cynical n/or sarcastic approach towards them. Its very hard studying this way. (well, Duh!? VEry bad oh me eh?) ;) If i wanna start on them, i guess id better jump straight to my Eng teacher. (Coz ive got a story to tell ;)) Dun wanna diss too many peeps. Well, I dun like her. Plain n simple. She has these Airs! N shes not Dat great! So, my naturally cynical self shows like a haystack over a needle! Dat day we were learning bout adjectives, n she asked us to write n essay describing something Using adjectives! Ugh! In my opinion, an essay is an essay, if u set such rules to it, u'll only ruin it! Think about it. "I have a pretty teacher. She has big eyes. Her nose is small..." *gag me!* hehe paiseh. Anyway, I hate writing boring essays, n she DID ask for Adjectives, descibing Something! The only interesting thing was, well, not appropriate for a class paper...in Malaysia at least. ;) But well, i just Couldnt get it Out of my mind! I sure as Hell didnt want to do no paper on my brother or my pet or watever! (Or maybe Im just obsessed?! ;)) So anyways, i ended up doin this: I shuddered as I set eyes upon her sleek, beautiful body. Curvaceous yet flat, in all the right places. She was topless too! The tension building up in me was too much to handle. I ran my finger (my teacher put a circle behind my 'r'! Wat!? I have to run More than 1 finger?!?!) lightly over her glistening body and a slow thrill ran down my spine. Never had I laid eyes upon a more perfect model! (had to fit in the adjectives b4 d nouns!) I am going to take her now! In a second, I had entered her. She was so soft and warm, her insides, so comfortable. I stuck my key into her hole and turned! She let out the most satisfying purr. And then off I went with her. With every smooth change of gear, we were going higher and higher, faster and faster. She had such a lot of energy stored up in such a small, fine body. "Faster, faster!" her shrill voice seemed to scream at me. I heeded those words and raced on, feeling the cool wind in my face. Before I knew it, we had reached the edge of the cliff, the point of no return. (Wanted to substitute the nex line wit: "I realised too late that she did not come equipped with the appropriate protection." but hehe, dint wanna risk it! ;)) By the time I realised where we were heading, it was too late. I slammed hard on the brakes, trying to make her stop, but she was going too fast to stop in time. With a loud scream, we hurled over the edge! Five minutes with her and I had managed to mangle her valuable body. She was totally ruined. My first and last time ever in my BMW Z4. hmmm...kinda makes u wonder wat happened to me after being hurled over d cliff though eh? hehe. who cares?! She gave me n 'ok'...hahaha, wat a dissapointment. *sniggers* ;) I am so evil! ;) Well too bad. Not really in the mood to embrace UiTM n Indon right now...maybe in time, i'll have to... =) ... feelin bitchy...;) me me me me me

Avada Kedavra

I LOST IT! I LOST IT! I LOST IT!
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

STUPID COMPS! STUPID COMPS! STUPID STUPID USELESS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

STUpid so called 'hi-tech' stuff!
@$$^&*#@$!^$#&$&#@%!%#@!

If u Think im typing that entry ALL Over again (tonite) u are SO mistaken!
Ugh u!

hai......

Id just like to say, the begining of the entry i lost, i was saying that it helped, writing the last entry.
I think.
After that, i felt, ok. :)
Cant say it IS bcoz of that, but maybe...
maybe getting it out, putting it up somewhere.... :)
oh well....
now that i lost my other entry...
guess u guys will just have to wait for more....

Hai....stupid dumb techy thingy!
I wudn 'af lost it if id wrode it on paper!!!

;)

Scales

Hey guys.

Haven't been writing eh? Sorry. Dunno wat to put in. Alot of things seem kinda useless n uninteresting...
Guess i'll just put fingers to keyboards n see wat comes out eh? :)

Been kinda depressed this few days...
Not really the whole day, just er, bouts of depression now n then i guess. :)

Maybe it was coz i went back to my old school again.
Met my friends there, that was good ofcourse. Im not extremely great with all of them, but im still more comfortable with them than any of my new friends i think...

Anyways, the reason for my 'depression' ;), met all these people, peers n juniors....
Quite a few of them mentioned this person whom i used to be good with, real real good...
Some tease me about our relationship n all....coz no one knows that its over.

What can i say when everyone just goes about making fun about how close we 'are'???
The cause of the problem hasnt been agreed on by both parties so it will be unfair to state my side of it...
Not interested in explaining anyways....only lead to looks of disbelief....

I HATE THAT!
One of the things i hate bout conversing with old friends/acquaintances...
They only know the pass....not the present......
Bring up things that affect me in a way which they have No idea!

Oh well...
So been thinking bout that friendship of mine...
Keep thinking bout the good times, n how i cant have that anymore...
Real irritating this memory thing. ;)

After this certain episode where my friend was absolutely angry, i tot all was over, n that was what saved me actually.
From that moment on i was suprisingly happy and at peace.
I was over it.
And i didnt really care much anymore. Not like the months b4 that!

Den my friend did call. Eventhough there were certain reasons behind that...
N now my friend (lets call X from now... ;) ) acts like nothings happened.
But X is real smart!
Calling me only when its convenient for X.
Of course X'll have no problem with that!
If i started calling X whenever i feel like talking, im sure X'd wish we werent talking to each other anymore...

N ive been at war with myself. Since Xs acting like nothing happened, should i just let go too?
Im not holding any grudge! I dun hate X or anything. Which im real grateful for...
But, i tried...
If i do take X as a good friend again, if i do allow myself to care again....Im sure i'll be hurt again.
Things have already changed. Not because of the fight but b4 the fight.
X hurts me without knowing that X does.

So wats the point of letting myself get hurt again?
Wats the point of getting mad? Of fighting?!

Ofcourse i miss the old times. More perfect than anyone could ever imagine...
Ofcourse i Hate that i cant have it back...the memories...

And once again im confused...
But i know i'll be hurt...

This is why i hate life! :)
Good things are so hard to find. So so hard.
N ive lost the best thing i ever had!

Gotta go. :)

Good news though.
This other friend who hasnt been talking to me.
Finally got over his problem. :)

Erm. Bye.