collateral

I really appreciate
you helping out the way you did that day.

n i want to thank you.
Thank you properly.

But i am afraid that you will think that i like you.

Because I do.

---

N i check it alot.

I just dont tell you.

or pretend not to.

---

I was pondering this, a while ago.

n have since brought it up with a friend of mine.

Why did I take up medicine?

All that interest and stuff.. yes..
but Still.

Theres nothing That great about it.
Im sure that if i looked around abit, i would be able to find something Else that i wouldnt mind doing.

writing or something, i dunno.
im sure i would suck at that, and maybe im not That interested in writing come to think of it, but hey, I dont think im That into walking around sick beds either!
dogdammit.

Maybe my parents shouldve just let me take up Sociology n Eng lit, like i wanted to.
Save them all that bother now.
God knows where i would have ended up, but hey, i'm sure i couldve found something.

and then i wouldnt have met you.

Im just resenting the fact that theres just gonna be so much work.
well, not the work, but the time taken up.
All that time in med school, slogging or otherwise.
Graduating at 25! God!
(thats depressing... i think i made a mistake...)
and after that what?

Hours upon hours of work.
No life for the next 3 years atleast.
and after that?!
More studying, more work, more being nothing but busy. (yes, i said nothing but. =p)
Whats gonna happen to home life?
How are we even gonna Get there.
N whens the time for us to play?!

when will it be my time to play?

I have always been so sure...
All these issues.. its not like i never thought about them.
I have. a million times.
But i Always, always came back and said, 'but its what i wanna do, and i know it.'

But not now.
who cares about being a doc, theres nothing great about it.

I could find something else.
Something else thats just as fine.

And then.
Then, atleast i'd have a normal life.

Why shouldnt I be allowed to enjoy mine?

*just had a long conversation with bro about this.
surprisingly he actually discussed my options rather seriously.
i would have thought everyone wud have just kicked me and told me t'is too late.
which is pretty much wats on My mind.
LOL
"*insert bros name* says (3:38 AM):
GAH, its 5.37am, i was studying for a test, i spend 1hr talking to u abt wad u like and wad u wanna be ans ITS ALL JUIST A PHASE??????"
HAHA...

aih.. how i know my bro so nice layan me so much dunno for what... =P

So neways.. i exhausted all my energy talking to him about this so...

basically u get the drift.

but no matter what it is, whatever interest i might have that i may dig up,
i doubt that i'll actually have the courage (or passion) to drop my current path, TELL my parents about it, swap courses n so on..
everything else is just a maybe.
anything else i wud want wud probably be quite unconventional.
and eventhough this (my current course) might be a maybe too, its a maybe that i'm already half way on.
(an expensive one it may be~)
once i get off, i can never come back.

so..

unless i find that i hate it after all.
or find something else i can be sure to love.
(n i doubt either one)

I cud never bring myself to get up n leave.
not to mention tell my parents about it.

so.

this is me, here,
stuck.

maybe its not as bad as it sounds.


I sure as hell hope this is a phase.

---

Now that you're gone,

Who else am i gonna turn to to share my profound logic with?


A good thing gone bad, like milk,
or rather mayo, (as ive never liked milk).

n den what will be left?