if you could see me now

the height of loneliness.

you cud check my msn online list
but no matter whether theres 5 or 20ppl online
there really isnt anyone to talk to.

i know how stupid n get-over-it it sounds. yes.

my phone list.
almost 80 ppl.
i stopped counting at Y.
admittedly there are several repeats for multiple phone numbers.
n crap ones like my decoy no. or some hotlink no.
but not one single person there is to talk to.

most of my friends are having exams too
so i cant even randomly msg them.
n most ppl i know sleep by 12 anyways
while i'm up till 7.
so thats a problem right there huh.

i am going through a phase.

spent too much time with my parents recently
i think.
now im sick of it n just wish i cud get away.
or that they wud atleast, atLeast not hover around.
but thats not gonna happen.

cant wait to get away from parental grasp...
sigh..
yes i know. u tend to regret later n so on
but this is it right this moment.
cant wait to get away.
tho it wont end up the way i want it to


n it sucks feeling this way that i do
desperately searching for someone to talk to
when theres no one there.

~.~.~

Read of atleast 3 ppl talking about having lost themselves,
n needing to find themselves n all.
my self included.
got me thinking..
did i just say that for the cliche?
bcoz it sounded good? n almost right?

but den i realised today
that i really have lost myself these past few years..
n i cant wait to, not find back myself again,
as im sure i would have changed from the person i was,
but to find myself, in the now, the person that i am, or will be when i finally do get myself out of this hole.

or maybe there really is no me after all.
just the different expressions of my intact or not soul..

~.~.~

i wish i didnt have to study.

n yes, again, i know how childish that sounds.

but i shall pretend there are childish,
as well as not so childish,
reasons behind that.

~.~.~

i copied all my old downloaded songs to my playlist.

i have been living on.. 15 or less songs
for the past many many months..

just bcoz most of the time i just feel like listening to my most recent favourites.

guess it was in some ways
sorta time to play the rest
for tonight.

my songs always raise in me
emotions and/or memories that were present when i first played them
ie. when i played them the most.
somewhat separated into my
college / exam days and my
post college / uni days.
but alot of the post college era is kinda mixed up n blended..

alot of them tend to..
annoy me..
im very selective when it comes to my playlist...
but im putting up with it right now..
n its not too bad.
n no im not gonna let you raise up all those feelings in me again.
it was too long ago.

now why am i giving you this crap?

~.~.~

fck responsibilities.

sigh..

n i dont just mean the studying.

i need for random strangers to talk to me.


gonna make myself a sandwich to feel better.