All I was looking for
was a sign that what i said, had meant something.
had helped a little.
or that even if it hadn't, the mere act of wanting to help would have meant something.
yes its odd. n its stupid..
to get upset, as if the whole world was against me, when what this person is facing, is a far far worse nightmare then i could ever understand.
but
its just one of the tiny pieces
of the many that have been thrown my way.
n it came after...
sigh...
im so tired of caring..
of liking..
of thinking that people that i like actually like me back.
even if its just a little. not even in any special way.
of working my plans around you because i thought it wud mean something.
even that tiny little bit.
thought that it was something nice to do.
to remember that you asked me for a favour.
when you yourself forgot that you'd even asked.
to have made little plans about it. thought about. analysed the best way to go about it.
when all that time i spent... it wasn't even anywhere near your mind..
so ironic.
that i walked up.. approached.. cared.
n you had no idea what i was talking about.
reality.
that it hadn't mattered to you in any way..
that you had asked me for a favour.
but that had meant less to you, than it had to me.
is it because i think too highly of myself?
to think that all these 'you's would care.. would like me back?
or is it because i.. cant stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.
that maybe you just might be that nice..
Don't you think i already Know its Stupid.
to Think that you could possibly like me back?
but it doesn't seem to ever stop..
just goes on..
with all of you..
He broke my heart that day.
when he told me he was sad.
Why are you sad?
because i told you i was leaving?...
i know it cant be.. but then why?..
when first i knew it cudn't be, jokingly you grinned n said 'because i wont see you anymore'.
and later came the more heartfelt outpouring of you being sad..
but i didnt ask...
now..
i'm tired of spending these weeks wondering..
wondering whether you like me, just as i like you.
that maybe, you dont want me to go.
and it hurts the most.
not that you dont care.
but that i do.
that just that little inconclusive sign.
a sigh, a look, a line..
already had my mind in whirls..
already had it planning
on how i was going to work my life around yours.
n for wat?
i dont even know.
maybe because
what i need now
is to be the world, to someone,
when all i am is just someone, to the world.
n yes.
i hate myself.
for that day. when i went down.
n actually attempted to put plan into action
actually was gonna maybe, maybe, try to stay.
so that i wont leave. n you cud be with me.
defence mechanisms left up.
yes i told myself just maybe.
but wasn't i stupid enough already.
to do that i had to think
that you cared.
that you wanted me.
who was i to think that?
n yes im tired now.
from all of you.
all of you
i dont care anymore.
i wont think anymore.
even if all those new little signs nag at me that you want to see me again.
no.
i wont care.
if you want. maybe you'll just have to ask straight out.
but guess what?
if you did. i would say no.
because all of you mean nothing to me.
imagine
what its like, when he does?
[edit : this post is about, mainly, 2 different ppl. the identities of which will be kept secret. however, it is not anyone that you might think of. discussion of this post will only compromise it as, feelings can be felt in a broader spectrum than there are words to describe it.] :)
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