courage

Private thought : lets see.. i dont remember emo-ing yesterday.. hmmm.. ? nope..


Ok, So.

What do we have today?

- Morning msgs from Australia.

- A call from the UK!

- Call from Aus!

- A long letter.. :)

- Call from the UK again! =)


So, tell me, How can this not be a good day?! =D

sure there were some annoying things in between but really..
we Can put that aside for now cant we.. :p

Now id better run up again before annoying things come down on me n semi spoil me good day.. :)

i must say..

i miss my friends! =))


Abit funny isn't it, (or sad.. really.. if you think about it.. :p) That I am here in Malaysia, but the number i msg/ hear from the most (or pretty much the only one *shy*) is an Australian one.

N the longest call ive had in months was from a land where there is snow..

=)


P.S. err.. sry ah.. overexcited earlier.. :p.. mouth ran off with me.. :)..

try to fix you

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, May 18, 2008 9:01 AM
Subject: re: "you don't know this, but..."

It’s funny. When you think of someone saving a life, you think of them doing some great heroic act. When really, sometimes it’s just being there for someone, so they don’t do something incredibly tragic.

=(

But i dont know what to say...

=(

sighh...

(P.S. he replied... but then he didnt.. =(..)

P.P.S. Im sorry that they sometimes do go over the deep end... *hugs..*

1308 days

This is bunny.

Bunny can hop.

This is car.

Car cant hop. :(

-

Hop bunny hop.



Bunny hop hop.



Bunny dont need wings.


bcoz Bunny can be....

. .... ...

Thoughts :
wasnt trying to find an FF vid, only needed the song, but you can find FF with just about any song so why not.

there was an VIII ofcourse. but i didnt use it.

Thanks Colin, for finding out for me that time. Sry i messed around with you (you know i was just trying not to play into your games.. :( ) But thanks.. I have always remembered that time.

my favourite has to be X (not that im qualified to make a selection, but nvm.)
i think you must know why.

guess which was my favourite part.

Think theres an FF showing on RTM wednesday night.

Edit : There. The first vid i used died ( i dunno why :( ), so heres the VIII one. Tho i felt the first one i used was the best :(, it had perfect scenes for every line.. Ah oh well.

Theres no FF showing.. dunno what i saw wrong.. cant seemta find it. :(

Well, Now guess which are my favourite parts..
(the sword.. n the rings over the chain...)

wanderer

Private thoughts that wont make any sense to you.
Pls bear with me..


sigh..

I was gonna ask you to keep an eye out for him...
But i thought i might have my selfish reasons for doing so..
n so i didnt..
(i guess looking back.. there wasnt much u Cud have done.. n it wud have been selfish of me to ask on your side, even if not on mine...)
sigh..

Shudve stepped up.
Shudve tried harder.
Shudve pushed pass all nagging doubts n just gone ahead.

I owed you that much atleast.

I owed you being there.

Now do I lie or tell the truth?
Whats my best shot?

I cant help you if you wont let me in..

How many ppl have you 'helped' in the past few weeks?
How many have you bitten back the words for, just to try n hope for good things?
How many have you let down?..

sigh..

What fate was it that led me Not to be there all those times?
N then the rest is my fault for not trying hard enough..

What do I do now?

Of all the people I prayed for..
why didnt I pray for you?..

Im sorry I let you down..

Please let me help you now..

N please, God, let me be able / know how to..


When all things work out well in the end..

How do we know which road we're supposed to take?

P.S. How can you be such a Bitch?!
At times like this!
I knew u have always been selfish n self absorbed
but at times like this?
A little compassion would do nice.
Even if all you had to do was shut up.
Other people have problems bigger than yours so just stop beings such a f-ing princess n..
sigh wont ask you to be a bigger person.. i dont think ure capable of that..
This is someones Life we're talking about dammit!

Makes me feel so much worse that that was all he was left with.

flame

Selective amnesia means todays good day is because

- Allyssa now has Red Hair! =DDD

- Allyssa met Really Nice, Really Cute guy! =)

- Allyssa had dinner at Itallianies! a most great place that she'll always have a soft spot for! :)

Ahh.. such good things that must lead to a good day indeed!
*me shall block out everything that happened afterwards to keep this a happy day.*


Aha!
So.......
Why does Allyssa have red hair?
because the Stylist was most cute... Mmmmmmm...
hahahahaa..

He was Most cute n spoke most intelligently..
haha ok not most intelligently.. but most intelligently aBout hair ok..
So I is most trust him with my hair!
What with all the smart smart things he is sprouting about hair that I is knows nothings of..
But sounds so smart!
So I is trust him with my most precious hair..

Mwahahahhaaaa...

N Nows! It is Most Nice!
Muahahahahhaaa!
(See? It is a Good thing to trust Really Cute, Really Nice guys.. Yay! :p) (Eventho they be Stylist n not Swimmers yars?! :p Well.. with hair atleast.. If one wanted to know Where would be a good place to be going swimming.. then one should ofcourse ask some hot swimmer. yars? :p)

Oni regret is that it not be enough red.
Not the redness.. That is good! because Smart Hot Cute Nice Stylist guy is do smart things with colour n hair n make it most nice red.. Mwahahaha..
Not be enough red as in, Amount of hair that is now red..
aha..

Now, I is know.
Next time, me shall go back to Smart Hot Cute Nice Stylist guy to make him make more red yars?!
Yars!

N! I is got Cute guys Card!
Ho ho ho.
Now i is shall go back every week to snip off some hair! Just so i can see hot stylist dude..
ho ho
I is enough hair to last a few years anyways..
haha.. :p


Ahhh..
N today, I is got 'approval' to go out n seek my freedom! (as in, my ticket away from all this coop-up-ness! n into body-achin, no-more-free-time, freedom! hahaa..)
hehee..
So maybe i shall work on that tomorrow!

maaaaaaaaybe.
:p

Well..
Yay for now!

Sadness can come back tmr.

:)

can it be worse?

....

you dont get to...

*****

you dont get to...

sighh..

you dont get to......

haih...
... :'(...

*bitter*
damm the holidays...

:'(....

clearly,
i am not done.

sigh..

have you decided to tell me why?
do you have a why to tell?
a how?

write me on the song.
write me on the day.
write me on life.
but what could possibly be said?

how do you explain happiness?

today was supposed to be a good day..

thought : who is Allegra?
ah right. The character from Hitch.

pain is tiring...

good things are like,
when i met a cute guy today, who was also really nice.

now to scheme on how to get him to ask me out.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...


sighh..

now i know why i dont click yes..

pls just go away...

damm *****


time takes too long.

damm the holidays.


P.S. Isnt it cool that here I have 'Fix You - Coldplay' playing on my side bar, n I turn on 3 lbs to find the song playing there too!

White chicks n Choc cake making me feel Much better.
Mostly white chicks. :)..

another testosterone filled post

Thats David Cook. from last week.

I know I love Archu (David) but it cant be denied that Cook is amazing.

N yes Archu can get a lil boring bcoz, tho week after week he sings amazingly well, its pretty much always the same kinda amazing (hmm..) so only now n den does he really blow you away..

Cook on the other hand makes almost every song he sings so incredibly wow..
He really is really original with his stuff (either that or he just covers covers haha) n coz he's a rock guy that obviously gets me.. n he turns Every song into a rock song! WooHoo!

So todays post will be on him. :p

This is what he did this week.

He started off with a song of Simons choice. Which was (ofcourse) great. Hah!
And it was a slow song, 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face', so Yes Cook can do slow songs really well too! (whilst Archu.. sadly, so sadly, can only do ballads.. sniff.. :) )

N DEN, for his second song, he did Dare You To Move (Switchfoot)! Which drove me insane crazy when i heard him announce it bcoz thats one of my all time favourite songs!

except.. he did kinda blow it.. pfft.. The ori was better.. hah oh well..

Atleast he kinda saved his ass with Aerosmith. :p



Aha!
wahahaa... quite cool no?
Not the most amazing ever yea.. but still pretty great..

hehe

but check this out!


He sings Mariah Carey.

Mariah Carey! Can you believe it!

hahaa.. n its one of my favourite performances of his... (that and Baba O'Reily (the first vid..) yumm.. Coz it Is one of the iconic rock songs..)



infact (tho you can ignore the judges comments.. they all say he rocks blabla haha (n PS. Paulas just as annoying n stupid as usual.)) They are right man. He can just go ahead n make this a freaking single already.

Infact, there is a studio version available! Full song!
(but on itunes so obviously i didnt get it.. haha)
but u can find it on youtube if you want. (IF you want. haha)

N its SO friking AMAzing! Phoof!

i oni didnt put it up here coz the studio versions, not Live obviously, so its no fun putting the non-video up. :p

sigh.. haha.. i mean.. just imagine!
On Mariah Carey week!
Everyone comes out n belts out her ballads /songs (not too well either..)
N Den David comes on n Poof! #$(*&)@&$)(@*&#()&*)(#*&)(*&%#(&%

ahhhhhhhhhh...
the rock needing soul is complete...

=P (so drama..)

N check out 'Eleanor Rigby', 'Billie Jean', (hmmm.. he DOES seem to have a thing for songs with ppls names.. haha..) and also, Andrew Lloyd Webbers 'Music of the Night'! (Arhhhhhhhh! SOOOoooo Sexy!! :p)
Edit : Also, 'Hello', and 'Little Sparrow'. :) Yes.. That many were awesome.. :)


Ahhhh...

so in analyzing AI.

It Should be a David / David Finals. (tho hard to say, lets see tmr.)

Anyways.. Tho Archu me love has an amazing voice AND, YES, CAN sing the phonebook..
Cook IS more relevant..

I mean.. So Archu will come out with an album full of ballads..
n his voice will be great but.... every song is gonna sound the same!
n den ppl buy that album.. n Den what??

unless he learns to do something different, (do it well), im guessing.. he just wont be able to go too far..
(sniff poor baby..)

Whilst Cook will just blow you away again n again.
or rock at least. :p

in fact, *oh blasphemous me* i do think, that he might even be better that Daughtry! (omg what am i saying i do love Chrissy! (ahhahahaa... yes i am insane.. pfft. :p)
haha..
Music wise anyways..

People wise, as u can see, i still find it a Lil bit hard to proclaim all out love for him..
I guess coz, whilst i root-ed for Archu n Daughtry right from the start.. I didnt with Cook. N i guess i havent forgiven his initial cockiness n stuff.. haha.. sorta.. ("coz my good opinion once lost, is lost forever." haha.. ok i didnt say that. its a quote from someone i love. if u can figure out who. ;) :p )

oh but he's mellowed out.. pretty early on too actually..
n learned to respect the judges more n if not be, atleast appear, much more humble..
hahahaha.. :p


ah ah..

Thus we leave another pointless post about Yet another Hot guy!
(without much swooning over his hotness! Yay Go Me! :p)

(n off we go to embrace yet another movie that somebody spent 60 bucks on. Pfffft!)

going to waste

n i head to the place i know will hurt me.....
because im desperate...

n right now i just want to stop n turn back..
but still needing to know what i dont know...


sighh...


they've got me this way..

helping them get to a happy place..
has got me stuck in the same old rut.

so i dont stop.


Its the culmination of everything.
the coop-up-ness n never getting away
the loneliness
the ppl not being there
the things u say to the ppl who are
the days
the thoughts
the waiting.
n waiting.


occupation takes ur mind off things.
which is probably why my mind is on things.

i guess occupation took your mind off things.

oh, so what, so what?

right.


btw, i wish ppl (i dont know) wudnt pity msg me. (or actually.. anyone for that matter.. hmm..)
if you're not gonna bother to be there id rather u didnt appear at all.
i dont know u well enough.


They like to ask..
why do you stay up so late??
why do you wake up so late??

well, what is there for me if i didnt?
if theres nothing for me at night..
you can be sure theres nothing in the morning.

might as well prolong the time before i have to be around people.. (as melodramatic as that sounds..)
but i see them enough.

n atleast, atleast late at night.. maybe if im lucky enough.. i can get a little alone time.
(tho sometimes it is too much hard work.
n sometimes im just too tired.)


sigh..
well.. Little Women is on n i guess that will make me happier..

i need me a dose of Harry Potter.


-
Runaway~
but today is Tuesday..
where would i go?..

for you.

Bouquet

The bouquet i ordered came!

Look!

Its so gorgeous!!!

Hahahhaaa..
perasan case betul..

But i have such good taste man!

hahhahahaa...

I was a lil worried initially bcoz i wasnt sure if i cud really trust the florist..
Coz i only pick the type of flowers i want n tell em i want a bouquet, n set the price range etc..
I didnt get to see it arranged.

But den it came today n i must say i was mightily pleased!
hehehee..

coz it was pretty big n rather gorgeous i might say!
hehe..
Pink lilies.. which Go so well with the slightly darker pink carnations!!
N pink wrapping!!!
SO PWETTY!

hahahhaaa..

Oh well..
hope my mum liked em. =P

N den after all that den only i figured i probably shudve asked my brother if he wanted in on it.
ish..
forgot bout that..
Save me half the cash...
haha nah.. he probably wud have forgotten to pay me back..
But it would have been nicer if it had been from both of us i think..

hmm..

oh well.

:)


--

sighh..
am incredibly lonely...

proprietary

It was at 14 when she left the school one afternoon to make a call.
n on her return i questioned her on who it had been.
She said, "Boyfriend!" Followed by a quick denial of "Nah.. hehe.."

N from it i did infact conclude that it was probably her boyfriend, previously unmentioned.
but i didnt push it.
Years later, after we had grown much closer, i checked back on it and received an affirmative on my suspicions.

.

He made a reply to my question of why he had been quiet of late, at that time,
with a "Coz found new gurl gurl in campus ma!" Again with a quick "No la, haha.."

N again it seemed just obvious that is was in fact the truth, n the reason for his distance.

2 years later, they are currently seeing each other.

.

In his car, the other day, when in answer to my question on his days activities, he had claimed to have been moody in the morning,
i followed with a 'why'.
N he answered "Coz she bully me." "no la.."

Same conclusion. n so i changed the subject.

.
All this,
n maybe all the same with
(tho it is not registered in my head as the same category.. but maybe i have a different box for him.)

When his "what Have you done?", implying that i had in fact done nothing, was said quickly, with an accusatory tone.
n following my shocked silence, covered with another denial.

how could i not know that he had meant what he said?

oh normally i would have ended this at that.
to convey the feelings that id feel that would convey.
but i guess those feelings are not what i want to stress on right now..

-

Lookin at some things earlier i found myself remembering
some of the dumb-er things i used to get upset over in my last relationship.

I wonder if id still do the same now.

many things, on the way i would feel,
i know would remain the same..

but for some, i guess i hope not.

tho that they do show me how he feels
still remains true to me..

hmm.

-

he's got me thinking, that i love you.

so she said, 'whats the problem, baby'

Seems alot harder for me to blog these days..

hmm.. i mean..
i really tend to just open the page (if i actually get to it..) n stare at it for hours..

not that theres nothing to say..
heh.

jus.. the getting it out part.
the how.

hmm.

--

if you ask me why i was nice to a certain somebody..
haih..

it was just appearances la i guess..

what was i to do?

heh.

--

Today we went to the Bangsar place again.

Yumm.

altho i have to say it wasnt as excellent as the first time..
probably the expectation y'noe..
but if you (i) think about it.. relatively, it is still frikin good la.
hah..

yum..

First thing i did,
dive into the crab!
n it was all soft n nice ahhhh..
But, but, eventho that is how i like it.. Dyu know it is actually a sign that the crab isnt all too fresh?
That the flesh is soft n mushy..
hahaha..
but yea.. that is kinda sorta how i like it.. the mushy bit not the unfresh bit sniff..
i know, im weird.

Den my mum was like.. "hmm.. the crabs not fresh."
n my response was? (somewhere along the lines of) "enjoy first, pay later."
=P hahaha..
n i tell you, i Am paying now man. haha..

--

Yesterday
one of the most stressful/drama days of my life man.
hah..

well started off that way man..
full of trepidation n stress!....

but ah well.

at the end of the day, it ended with me watching 300 again
which was awesome n so much fun. (the watching i mean. the shows excellent we already know tat. :p)
n put me in an excellent mood.
hah.

but oh before that..
its funny how much drama stuff can happen in one day man.

one of them being
how i had initially planned to go out that day (aft work ofcoz =/) to run some personal errands n stuff..
n den coincidentally my dad suggested that we do go out.
great right?
except that had me waiting for them till 7pm..
till 8pm..
n den till 9pm. -_-"
n den too late.
Hah!

Boy was i stressed/pissed at that point!
mostly bcoz i had jus woken up from a nap (while waiting for them :p) n was still groggily annoyed. :p
but you know.. also bcoz they always do that!
'lie' to me y'noe!
haha.. i mean.. not do what they say we'll do..
when here i am desperate to get my butt out of the house. haha.

yea man.
Can you tell how Coop-ed up i am!
haish!
haha..

but oh well.
n den shortly after that fiasco.
i was asked to go out to the car to get something.
n man when i stepped out of the gate it was like..
(seriously, i kid you not)
Open space! Night sky! Fresh Air!!
Freeeeeeeeedom!!!

GodDam im deprived man.

hahaha

--

Oh well.
today we did get to go out.

I went n got a bouquet for Mothers Day.
arranged for it to be delivered tomorrow.

probably got ripped off but ah..
watudo..
just hope its decent/nice.

haha..

also got my most excellent choc cake!
Which i jus ate some of!
yay!
most excellent!

den walked around
whiled time away
nothing much to see

felt lonely.

but ahh..
*shrugs*

atleast it needs to take its turn with feelings like this
where i guess i have to say
that im glad that i dont need any one right now..
its not a bad place to be..

n den dinner was out again.
at Bangsar like i said.

:p

--

oh i had a bunch of emo stuff to say
but ive forgotten them by now..

bed soon.
work at 9 tmr.
haih..

Tummyache.

haha.
maybe i shudnt be pushing my stomach like this..
considering i have (forgotten if ive said this) been having sporadic diarrhoea for the past.. month or so, since ive been back from Perth. (yes, perth)

heh.

--

I know i might rant / complain / lament / stress out over
some things

but i Do know that God has his plan.

i know we want good things but
good things tend to come attached with hope
n hope in such cases leads to disappointment.
because of this thing, expectation.

no expectations, no disappointment see?

haih.. yea..

it can be quite sad going into a situation without good things with you..
but if you hold back that expectation..
n trust in Gods plan..

it might work out for you.

might.

because we dont like to have expectations here.

:)...

Im sorry for the people i love..
who, are having things not work out for them right now..
but, tho, good things might bring with them disappointment..
they are still good things after all..
i hope you can hold on to that..

--

sigh..

5am. off to bed.
work tmr.

sigh.

Shit on that front coz im up to the brim,
'bout had it with
i guess its the smothering i feel...

i think im at the edge..
which'is why i get stressed out so much..

oh haih..

light to guide you

insomnia..

what a surprise..
haih..

(yes, tho its 5.50am, n im awake.. i actually tried sleeping here n not just stayed up..)
(actually.. i kinda did sleep.. den i woke n cudnt get back to sleep. -_-" sigh..)

thoughts :

i dont know if i am going in too deep..
maybe not but.. i jus have bad feelings right now..

n why do i feel like the bad guy?
(in what i have no idea.....)
just this general bad feeling...

n i dunno if im doing the right thing..

also..
i just did something that..
if it doesnt work (n i dont think its gonna work... not the actual goal.. haih..)
i am gonna be held responsible for something...
haih..

in fact, i dunno what im doing...
haih..

-

i think, i think, (as if its not clear enough..) i am emo-ing.

haha..

oh man..
is it whats been happening recently thats got me thinking alot?

or was i at this stage anyways?

sigh..

i wanna say things like..
i need to know..

but i know i dont..
n i shudnt..

haih..

lol.. ok this emo-ing thing is not good. :p

someone else job, that.

hah.

Fix You - Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

PS : OMG! Baby you wouldnt believe what has happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hhahhahahahahhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..

Soon! You shall be hearing stories about a certain person u know ok!

omg.. that is so weird.. hahahhahaa..

good luck man. (i pray for you that there are no sexual details involved. ahem)

haha..

the ticking clock

Today is monday.

i woke up early to drive my dad somewhere.
the night before there wasnt too much sleeping, tho not none either..
i escaped to my room early(ier than normal) actually bcoz of the serious lack of sleep the night before that, knowin tat i wud need some.
(n oso bcoz i was semi drained of any will to wait)
but i spent most of the time reading, and postponing sleep bcoz there was something i had to Do before sleeping. only i postponed n postponed. n eventually didnt do it.
hmmm.

the week before saw me giving up, tired of any form of waiting.
s'funny how much you can miss out on in a week...

today i have slept 3 times so far.
once was the customary night/morning sleep.
nex was just before work.
n lastly after work where i konked out eventho i knew i technically oni had an hour, bcoz there was a prior arrangement of a meeting at night.

that was 8..
oh was it only half an hour?
coz at half past i heard from the boy.
so then i spent the nex hour, hour and half reasoning to myself about getting up and (also) replying.
which meant for that hour i was basically dreaming that i had made my reply n stuff, while constantly waking up.
hmmm.
finally forced myself out of bed before 10, bcoz i felt duty bound to find out why dear friend had screamed. (:p haha)

by then the boy wasnt interested in replying anymore.
hmmm.

n den i find dear friend busy peebling, jus before the powers that be (higher powers my dear, not the one in the nex room.. haha..) make it clear that i will not be hearing about any screaming. bcoz someone needs to be studying. :p
(we believe in signs from above. right? haha.. well you better la :p)

so what did i get up for?
there was something else i needed to do.. but i felt that it wud be too late n too long n i wasnt up for stayin up again.. n because i knew how likely it wud be that after all that waiting, i wud end up being slighted anyways.
luckily, without having to purposely wait too long, i managed to get something sorta done..

(altho i also have to admit.. i made a mistake somewhere tonight.. altho it wasnt my responsibilty, n hence nor my fault.. i guess i shudve been a lil bit more observant n prevented other ppls mistakes. hmm.)

ahh. i apologize that i have not / will not / cannot make things clear.

i need to head to bed soon.
bcoz tmr is another early day.
n so is the day after i believe.

n hmm i am due for my 2nd 2nd booster for hep B.
past due for over 3 weeks.
die. argh.


why another pointless post?


Today is monday.

some people are studying; some people are bumming.
some people are sleeping; some people cannot.
some people are breaking hearts; some people have their hearts broken.
some people are tired; some people are fighting to hold on.
some people are busy working very hard, n only have time for certain other some people; some people are wishing n avoiding.

some people have the right to be hurt; some people do not.
some people are traveling to where their hearts lie; some people are running away.
some people need to fight so hard just to survive n stay strong; some people think they wanna try, but are never sincere enough.

Today is monday.

i miss you.
i miss who you are.

today is monday n today i get to hear the truth.
which is all i needed.

n which reminds me of your truth.
which i have always known, but never got.

i wonder how many yrs it took me accept n admit your truth.
that you never gave.

Today is monday.

Some people know you do have the time for them; some people know you do not.

whatever to all the whatever people

bout 7am.

Stayed up 2 nights till this time, gaming.

hoh.

Maybe stopped a lil earlier today..
but surely played alot longer considering i was at it even before dinner time.

Such is the way i burn my saturday/oni free day.
hmm.
as you can tell.. very sad very sad..
hah.

just went thru 11 levels of a special stage,
with limited resources ok.
only to die at the very last one. (the 12th. just in case u cant count. no offense tho.)
probably at the last 2 demons too.
(which, jus for the heck of it i shall mention, means i burned up my health, my herbs + medicine (n oso medicine i obtained Der.), my demon warrior transformation! (bwahahahahhaa) (which gives me full health n special powers), n my special get-out-of-death tablet (no thats not what its called). juuuuus in time. pffft.)
ugchh.
hah. but that means i get to go again i guess. hmm.

oh watever.

Bed call, tho im not tired.
but work to attend to tmr, gotta be up in a couple hrs.
perfect.
oh well..
cant complain..
dodged work for a week now.
pffft.

gotta find me a better one (ie. Not Home-based! :p)
soon.

sigh.

So.
Do you know what this means?


{this was a completely pointless post.}

how long

i am in a difficult place.

right now,
i dont know what to say
n yet i have so many things to say.

not that thats anything new.

right now,
i am forcing myself to write something
just so i can get Some of this nonsense out of my head..
n be done with it..

hate..

if you must know.
i am tired.
i am tired of people treating me... the way that they have been treating me..
i am tired of holding on..
of being alone
n yet forgiving, forgetting
always forgetting
in just a moment.

tired of making light of situations
that actually do really bother me
hurt
annoy me.
just because i care.
i give a flying ****
maybe i bring it up so much.. tho 'jokingly'.. because i actually DO care.
just like how you make a statement that you immediately brush off, but i Know that you kind of meant it.
Cant you tell?!
or do you just selectively choose to ignore it.

I MISS YOU.
Cant you tell?!
When was the last time you actually TALKed to me..
ive waited.... 5,6,7, maybe more months now.. i cant rmmbr..
but we have to count it as 3.
your 3 months.
how much longer do i have to wait?
so tired of waiting.. of giving you a break..
but really.. this is too much.
what happened to your promise?
or even common sensibility.
i am Being Understanding. but how much am i expected to give and look past n wait?
Until what?!
Where is the line? when will it finally be enough for you to cross back?

If i let you get used to Ignoring me so much, as if you'd ever get back.

How many times have i thought to myself that i WILL finally tell you.
tomorrow.
next week.
when i see you.
Just get to it n Tell you.
because we can get past that.
because i am allowed to get mad at you n you are allowed to get mad at me for getting mad at you, as long as we can solve it.
But i always put it off.
i never actually do it. why?
i dont know..
n how many times have i gotten mad n thought that id had enough of it, only to forgive you the next time i heard from you, or just when i missed you.

What kind of answer is a 'heh' when i tell you that i am feeling alone.
or did i have to put that word in there to make it clear.

this is why i wont let you come here...
because i do in fact talk about you.

sigh..

n i have focused it on one person, it seems, today.
but in actual fact, it isnt just one.

how many have been acting the same?
have not cared
have not tried.
it is not enough.
Is it because you think i have done nothing?
or you just forgot to care.

i am tired. ok?
i am tired of waiting.

i am tired of my stupid phone.

i miss you..
i miss you..
but i hate you.

because..

it is like..
when you're sent to a rehab facility.
lockdown, n they detox you n keep you safe inside, away from the real word.
n ppl get clean after a while
n they worry about steppin out into the real place because
that is where life is
where things happen
where the temptations are.

it is like that.

n my forage into reality.
was my own fault.
but with stupid results.
all the thoughts of how i am ok..
i am not.
i am. but i am only strong in what i am doing.

as long as reality stays the hell away.
'reality' can #^&* off for the rest of my life n i wouldn't be any less off.

so i hate you.
i hate you for the betrayal that you make me feel.

...
sometimes
sometimes all i need from you is an apology.
admit and apologize.
Just admit.
which is something you have always refused to do, god knows why.
why do i keep bringing it up?
because you have never bothered to admit it. when we both know that i was right.
or are you still not admitting that.
for once.. if you would just admit that you were wrong...
then i would drop it.

sometimes.
but maybe not now.

stop pretending that everything is ok.
your faking it just isnt gonna make it go away.
really... do you really think things are just magically gonna fix themselves?
...

so, thank you for leaving me like this.
you get every freaking thing you want.
you get to beat me.
you get to pretend.
thank you for leaving me in this mess.

if you only knew...........

n i cant even put my words up here anymore.

oh how much i really care