how long

i am in a difficult place.

right now,
i dont know what to say
n yet i have so many things to say.

not that thats anything new.

right now,
i am forcing myself to write something
just so i can get Some of this nonsense out of my head..
n be done with it..

hate..

if you must know.
i am tired.
i am tired of people treating me... the way that they have been treating me..
i am tired of holding on..
of being alone
n yet forgiving, forgetting
always forgetting
in just a moment.

tired of making light of situations
that actually do really bother me
hurt
annoy me.
just because i care.
i give a flying ****
maybe i bring it up so much.. tho 'jokingly'.. because i actually DO care.
just like how you make a statement that you immediately brush off, but i Know that you kind of meant it.
Cant you tell?!
or do you just selectively choose to ignore it.

I MISS YOU.
Cant you tell?!
When was the last time you actually TALKed to me..
ive waited.... 5,6,7, maybe more months now.. i cant rmmbr..
but we have to count it as 3.
your 3 months.
how much longer do i have to wait?
so tired of waiting.. of giving you a break..
but really.. this is too much.
what happened to your promise?
or even common sensibility.
i am Being Understanding. but how much am i expected to give and look past n wait?
Until what?!
Where is the line? when will it finally be enough for you to cross back?

If i let you get used to Ignoring me so much, as if you'd ever get back.

How many times have i thought to myself that i WILL finally tell you.
tomorrow.
next week.
when i see you.
Just get to it n Tell you.
because we can get past that.
because i am allowed to get mad at you n you are allowed to get mad at me for getting mad at you, as long as we can solve it.
But i always put it off.
i never actually do it. why?
i dont know..
n how many times have i gotten mad n thought that id had enough of it, only to forgive you the next time i heard from you, or just when i missed you.

What kind of answer is a 'heh' when i tell you that i am feeling alone.
or did i have to put that word in there to make it clear.

this is why i wont let you come here...
because i do in fact talk about you.

sigh..

n i have focused it on one person, it seems, today.
but in actual fact, it isnt just one.

how many have been acting the same?
have not cared
have not tried.
it is not enough.
Is it because you think i have done nothing?
or you just forgot to care.

i am tired. ok?
i am tired of waiting.

i am tired of my stupid phone.

i miss you..
i miss you..
but i hate you.

because..

it is like..
when you're sent to a rehab facility.
lockdown, n they detox you n keep you safe inside, away from the real word.
n ppl get clean after a while
n they worry about steppin out into the real place because
that is where life is
where things happen
where the temptations are.

it is like that.

n my forage into reality.
was my own fault.
but with stupid results.
all the thoughts of how i am ok..
i am not.
i am. but i am only strong in what i am doing.

as long as reality stays the hell away.
'reality' can #^&* off for the rest of my life n i wouldn't be any less off.

so i hate you.
i hate you for the betrayal that you make me feel.

...
sometimes
sometimes all i need from you is an apology.
admit and apologize.
Just admit.
which is something you have always refused to do, god knows why.
why do i keep bringing it up?
because you have never bothered to admit it. when we both know that i was right.
or are you still not admitting that.
for once.. if you would just admit that you were wrong...
then i would drop it.

sometimes.
but maybe not now.

stop pretending that everything is ok.
your faking it just isnt gonna make it go away.
really... do you really think things are just magically gonna fix themselves?
...

so, thank you for leaving me like this.
you get every freaking thing you want.
you get to beat me.
you get to pretend.
thank you for leaving me in this mess.

if you only knew...........

n i cant even put my words up here anymore.

oh how much i really care