All i want for christmas

I'm such a Spas!

*cries*

sniff sniff...

*suffering from self-esteem issues*

Anyways, MERRY CHRISTMAS Everyone!
Yay Yay Yay Yay YAY!

*prezzies prezzies under the tree!*
(actually.. at this point in time.. all them prezzies are open n gone d loh..)

things i should have done:

i) atleast said Thank you! when she wished me, even if i cudnt wish her back. but nooooo i was like a dumb mute!

ii) why why WHY are u Staring at me like that!! So i didnt get u a present! *weeps* DONT stare at me like that! *cries n runs away-s*
note to self : this is the 3rd year they've been over... MAYbe its time we Got them some Soaps too!

iii) Told someone to get him the Right prezzies... I Knew it I Knew it I Knew it! But i din Do it! *waaaaaaaahhhh* Its Their fault they didnt ask me! *sniff* Now he has that book which i dont know if he will read.. (maybe he will!), N the toy car that i want! (because i love remote control cars.. n its Yellow! YELLOW!!!)

What i got for Christmas / things i am a-liking :

i) Lingerie. - Yes yes. dun laugh. Its not the first time, trust me. Lingerie i want but like i said I would rather pick it myself. These ones freak me out. sigh.. but =) (No No! Im Grateful! I Am! )

ii) Necklace - My mummy got me necklace. Necklace my mummy got me nice.. :)

iii) Belt! - How did they Know i wanted a belt! *gasp* So SMart! Yayy! =DDD

iv) Lipgloss!!! - *GASPS!* YAY! I Have LipGloss! I ACtually have Lipgloss! HAHA! Mummy get me DiorKISS Lipgloss! so pretty! So shiny! Smell So Nice! :) My mummy wan me kissykissy! Now all i have to do is find a boy to kissy! =D Yay!

N my greatest surprise:

v) I got a sleeping lion heart......

.........

yes... thats exactly how i felt...

......... !!!!!
Oh My GOd!~

A present that wouldnt mean a thing... Except that by accident... It means a whole lot.
Something the giver actually would have no clue about..
No, he did put a little thought into it. Which in this case is ALot considering how last minute it was.. n how little we put into His.
but by accident.. it turned into.. the most precious of my gifts this year.. (tho it shudnt ofcourse. damnit.)

Oh well.. I got a sleeping lion heart. =) Its nice.. Thats all..


Also got a few other things, like soap, but not gonna mention all of em here..
Look at what i told my brother to get me..

What do you want for Christmas?
- I dunno... I want.. baju! (clothes) But i want Pick my own baju! But i not free go with you! Korkor! Give me Shopping allowance!!!

So what? Just give you money?
- Ya. Wrap it up n put it under the tree!

I know its horrible to ask for money for Christmas. But if id said nothing he wud have gone n bought me something anyways. N its highly likely i wouldnt like it. WHich is OK except i wudnt Use it N Den thats just not very nice ISit?!?!

So what i planned was to get shopping allowance (sounds better den asking for money =p) GO off n get myself something nice when im free. Come back n go Look Kor! This is what you got me for Christmas! Isnt it all nice n pretty!? Isnt it?! =D And then wudnt everyone just be Happy?!~

But come christmas day n what happens?

I open my present (which was obViously not shaped in the form of money.) n i get books. Books! No no.. books are perfectly fine... except for the fact that i asked for clothes (Well, i DID!) n u got me books... Which is Still fine.. Except.

Know what book he got me?

He went out. Got a book that HE wants. Wraps it up n gives it to me n the moment i open it, goes, This is a good book! A Good Book! You dowan, i take it n go read it first. Ok bye.

N he takes it. (Yes! I blinked n it was gone!)

...
S W E A T.

N before the books he offered to buy me a remote control car so that he cud give it to me, n den take it n give it to his son. (who is 5 months old so actually he meant to play with it himself.) (just incase u think im just speculating! Im not. Thats exactly what he told me.) But ofcourse, along comes my cousin, n he doesnt know what to get for him, so he gives him a car. N i get books. Which are gone now.

Now aint that a winning strategy.


It was an oddly sad xmas for me though..
it was good n nice.. took me a while to realise i liked my presents, but yea. (=p)
but still.. oddly sad too..

But oh well.
Now all i need is a jewellery box n a make-up box! (A box, not a kit, coz a kit wud contain make-up-y stuff in it!)

A make-up box. To house my lone tube of lip gloss.

Yay. =)

N Now to end it all with a Song!
Sing it with me!

Jingle pau, jingle pau,
Jingle cha siew pau..
Lin yoong pau,
tau sa pau..,
siew mai.., loh mai kai....
Hey!!


Wishing all a Merry Merry Christmas!! :)

i dont owe you nothing

Exam time. No blogging. tho no exam oso no blogging. but atleast now ive a (kinda) Good excuse ya?! =)


Berhenti Berharap - sheila on 7 ------ reminds me of J.
I'll Be Over You - toto ------ reminds me of S.


what do you see when ure in ur room..
at night..
lights off, aircon on..
when you look into the darkness, what do you see?

coz, i see you..


it wud be nice if i could JUst
FAll into bed when its dark at night
n the rooms all cold n comfy.

God DAm this stupid studying thing.

ever after

it is when i call you, crying

and hear your voice..

that i know you're so far gone

you'll never come back.

desire

To Elly : You dont wonder.. You know they're not.. All things being the way they are.. But that just doesnt seem to change much does it..

---

U know how when u watch a show..
n some really really good song comes on..

That seems to touch your heart..
catch your breath..

So you go on to search for it
obtain it
to hear it in its entirety
expecting to enjoy it...

But once you have it
you suddenly realise
it was only that snippet of it you heard
in that one special moment
and all the emotions that you felt
put together
that made it so special..

And the whole song..
by itself
played in whole..
with these little bits n pieces that you wudnt have put in if it were up to you..
that dont convey what you thought it wud have.

and all in all

Turns out disappointing after all.


That sounds alot like life..

That sounds alot like love..

That sounds alot like me.


Desire - Ryan Adams

Two hearts fading, like a flower.
And all this waiting, for the power.
For some answer, to this fire.
Sinking slowly. The water’s higher.
Desire

With no secrets. No obsession.
This time I'm speeding with no direction.
Without a reason. What is this fire?
Burning slowly. My one and only.
Desire

You know me. You don't mind waiting.
You just can't show me, but God I'm praying,
That you'll find me, and that you'll see me,
That you run and never tire.
Desire


I thought they say that knowledge is power..
then why is it that with all that i know..
it still doesnt seem to change how my heart feels..

What will it take?

what does it mean to give up?

how far do you have to go..


will you ever come back..

didnt know

if you were about to lose someone really important to you..
what wud you do?..
fight to keep them right?

some things are so telling..

invisible love

you know how i said i have FIVE of those buy one get one free movie tickets?!
(ok fine you Dont know (coz i didnt tell you) but thats also because you're stupid now go away)

No wait! Dont go away! Heres the best part!

I now have TEN of those buy one get one free movie tickets!!!
WOOT!

=Pppp

Dont you ALL just wanna be my friend now..
=D


Question: Why does your skin turn red where you scratch it?

Theres this friend of mine, who started this inside joke, and reproves me for stealing all the guys.
(by that she meant two, and ofcourse, its not true anyways.)

The irony is that (and she doesnt know this), theres these two guys that I like that seem smitten by her, and hardly give me the time of day.
ALso, the guy i Love, apparently thinks shes hot.
and what makes matters worse, now She thinks Hes hot too.

So great for me ya?


Question: Why doesn't Prasad return me my book?

What hurts the most, is that you take my words, but use it on someone else.

the transition

i dont have much i plan to say right now

but its absolutely Essential

that i proclaim something today.

that is

I am 19 yrs old! (oh i feel so young)

yes yes..

after a whole year of claiming im 20! I shall now set the record straight!

I am 19 yrs old!

(this is tradition! for most of the year im 20! den for just one week i'll be 19, so that i'll have the chance to officially turn 20 again. hehe.. such is the pain of having ones birthday so late in the year. :p )

chunky chunky kiiitkat

House is the most amazing show ever.
Ever.

I could watch it twice in one day!
the Same episode!
infact, i did.

ARGH!

I cud analyse the whole thing but that would just drive me insane!
Woot!

We already know i hate Cameron.
but now I HATE Foreman! Hes SUCH an ASS!
i swear!
thinking hes so great!
Bow down to House u bastard!
ragging on Chase coz he says hes trying to be like House. Pfffffft.
Hes the one. Hmph. Trying too hard to anti him.

N now hes his boss! HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
Thats gonna be SO Awesome to watch.
Bastard.
Who does he think he is wei?!
House rocks.
And did you see?! House had a smile on his face when he found out Foreman was his boss.
It was like the small.. "good.. good.. i know what hes gonna try. im proud of this kid" smile.
woohoooo haha.

Cameron cant act.

Chase is a bastard but atleast he listens to House.
(even if its not for the right reasons)

House kicks butt wei!!!
the show N the guy!
Hugh Laurie is like almost god!
(haha)


okok fine. too much gushing.

Now about food.

I want food. I like food. I craaave for food.
Right now i want bread.
but house got no bread. Everytime it does, its either bad baaad bread (as in, stupid bread idiots buy that i dont want to eat) or if i have my bread, i eat some den i dont eat d. hmmm.
sad :(
id put together something but... i have the feeling ive been eating too much.
been putting together food alot everytime i get bored. hehe.
plus i edi ate maggie once today n frying stuffs too much trouble right now.

foooooooooooooooooooooooooooood. :(

i Do have chocs (which i got today! Yay!) buuuuttt...
had chocs very recently.... maybe not huh? :(

OMG I KNOW!!!
I WANT PIZZA!!!

Oh! Sweet lovely pizza!
:'(
If only it wasn't 3.18am!
If only there were 24hr delivery pizzas about.....

waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

just saw tv.
with choc muffins.
now i want something chocolate coated.
thick!
but i cant figure out something that is besides doughnuts which im not that fond of..
hmmm.
brownies..

oh well enough crap. wasted too many hours on tv.
gotta get some studying done.

maybe i will get that kitkat.


btw.
i have to bitch.
i HATE the people i stay with.
ARGH.

dont go breaking my heart

You know how you tend to get mad and lash out at the people you love.
more than the people you dont know that well.

Thats because you trust the ones you love, to love you anyways.
Even after all you've done.
You trust them to love you, to know you. To understand.
To understand where you were coming from.
To understand what you were thinking.
Or to accept why you were feeling that way, even if they dont understand.
To know. that you are who you are. the one they love.
Even in that moment of weakness.


Notice another obvious thing?

The people you feel safest with.
are the only ones that can make you cry...

living in fantasy land. lie with me.

hi.
i shud blog a real blog but im lazy.
im not sure what i want to say here anyways.
too much n too little of many things.
:)
excuses huh.

exams coming up. next fri. have yet to study which is ofcourse really really bad.
no stress as yet. which explains the blogging. to excape studying i tell u.
this is bad.
need the stress to study. wonder why im so lax. really shud not be. i would like to score y'noe.

feel rather screwed.
want to have the night go on to leave me alone with my thoughts..
but this be nothing u havent heard before.

heres a song.

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lie here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

---

Am rather hungry.
wud like to have cake.
hmmm.

oh ya. was looking at em shakeys promotion advertisement thingythingys that they send out y'noe?
god knows what theyre called. me forgets.
sniff.. dem nice pizzas.. (correction, dem nice Picture of pizzas)
make me hungry
salivate.
which sounds utterly gross ofcourse but shudup u guys do it to.

looked through some of my old posts coz was searching for something.
was nice n funny to read. embarassing as well.
was nice to see how i was at a time when my heart was completely at ease with itself.
yet to be given away n yet reasonably comfortable.
hmmm.

anyways. happy birthday dear. (past midnight. tho not at your place)
isnt something that i shud be calling you but oh well. who knows right. as long as i understand.
wish for you on your birthday.. be happy.. let yourself be happy..
dont be caught up with being sad..
take care..


no proper gardenia to make sandwich. dammit.

without you

What i dont get is

How can there be people out there who are happy
who laugh n smile n play

when it hurts so badly in here..


I feel like im stuck in this unreal world
where i cant seem to wrap my head around reality..

Here i am taking big steps that i could only have done if i understood
n yet i cant seem to stop myself from expecting..


This here is the middle.
the path between two worlds..
n ive dragged myself up n chose where to walk

N yet i cant fathom
what life will be like

without you.

its me baby..

i have school tomorrow.
didnt quite realise that.

just read someones blog..
that was too beautiful..
unfortunately due to the site system.. i cant really comment..
needta register n all.. n when i tried my name was taken..
dont wanna put in too much thought for something i'll never use again.
but he did write beautifully..
Ezra.


not doing too well...
sigh...

my apology

I'm sorry...
please accept my apology..
i want things to be different... but i cant think... n i cant think how...
i wish you would talk to me but i was the one that asked you not to..
i guess you, like me, have nothing to say that would actually make a difference..
i guess you, like me, dont know what to do.

maybe the stars will jump in and fix things after a while.
maybe deep down in our hearts.. a small part of us will keep the promises we made to each other..
even if the rest of us cant.
sigh.. i'll never really leave you.. but i guess we cant talk of that right now..

i'm sorry.

in our lives

i hate relationships.

sex is my alcohol

boys will be boys.

sigh..

i think there's somebody i need to stay away from..
(someone i dont trust. sigh...)


so many words.. so many thoughts..
so many things happening, or on the brink of happening..
but i cant write about them right now.
or i dont want to..


Anyways, schools starting tomorrow.
end of the holidays.
bugger.

So i've been a good lil girl the past few days. stayed at home n didnt go out.
bah..
but its the end of my hols. last chance to go out.
so i did. today.
AND, my parents arent around (big brother is tho), so its the perfect time to stay out late n stuff.
I seriously considered sneaking out of the house last night.
jus because i can.
n there wont be a better chance than this anymore.
too bad i didnt tho.

I dont know why
but ive been considering doing alot of things i shouldnt do.
alot.
well, i guess i do know why.
but at the same time.. why? why suddenly?

maybe it isn't tat suddenly...
or maybe its because the oppurtunities have been presenting themselves..

yes, there's somebody i need to stay away from.. sigh..


but instead of doing anything bad
im sitting here listening to a song.
a song thats a mockery of me actually.
but here i am,
listening.

laugh at me.
coz i sure am laughing at myself.

dreams are where i wanna walk

Lips of an Angel - Hinder

Honey why you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why you calling me so late

where heaven is

Woke up from a bad dream this morning..
scares me..
coz it played out my fears..

Its freaky, knowing this.
Knowing what im afraid of.
knowing that it appears in my dreams..
it makes it.. omnipresent.. so that i cant even escape from my fears..
knowing that.. i probably have to face this fear..
or live it, soon.


Went out today with a bunch of old friends (ok, not tat old.) and watched Click.
That was one good movie too.
now This one made me cry. :(
sniff sniff
N amidst all the comedy..
theres actual meaning to the movie.. (that, if u pay attention, u can catch before they lay it in front of you.)
didnt seem to be a movie that would amount to all that much, except laughs..
but clearly, that wasnt true.
Beat the Break-up by miles. tho admittedly, That show sucked.

Havnt made plans for tmr and so on.
Not looking forward to being stuck at home all day.
With nothing to do, and with people i dont fancy.
Honestly, theres NOTHING to do. (cept study ofcourse, but that doesnt count.)
I have finished re-reading my book, n the books i havnt finish, arent tempting me.
Theres nothing on tv in the morning, or most of the time anyways.
Theres nothing to do on the comp anymore. Nothing online.. not tat into games at the mo..
So once again, we're left with studying.
Pfffffffffft. right.

But its not just about going out n leaving the house.
I cud have plans if i wanted to..
but it has alot to do with the people im out with.
theres only a small number of people i can be with right now..
oh well, lets not get into that now.

Whats left to say?
Schools gonna start soon.. n with that comes alot of woes..
aLot..
sigh.

Id better go charge my iPod. Gonna be needing my music tonight.


Will you hear my plea... tonight?..

Bad day again

Today, I watched Dragon Tiger Gate. Again.
Hah.
But atleast it was 6 bucks.
N it really wasnt bad watching it 2nd time around.
Damn good show that one.

But, as i forgot to mention the last time, Both chicks in the show do the sacrificing thingy for the guys.
Bah.
It was a good show. with great fighting yes.
But also touching stuff.
Sniff.
n Music.

I hate chinese shows.

Today I was out with a friend.
:)

Today I went guy-shirt shopping!
Weeeeeeeeeee..
which i actually did the past two days as well but toDay was more fun. :p
I need to find a compliant subject to drag around. Wahahahahahaa
I Think i know which friend wud subject himself to being my model.. hehee.. but unfortunately i dont think i'll be seeing him again soon. :p


Today, I came back, n had a bad day.
like i knew i wud..
today, i cudnt get through the night.
only with the help of a friends company, n some music..
but with every passing minute the dread in me escalates.

Do you believe in signs?
I dont know if i do, but i see them.
But theres nothing that they can possibly mean.


Listening : Bad Day - Fuel

dare you, dare me.

i dont want to be happy

Explain that one to me.

If i cant make you love me..
..atleast i can make you hate me.

crashed n burned

Sunburned!

In pain.

my face is all red. n it makes an odd marking on my back. hehe.

my shoulders are in pain!
It hurts with my clothes on!
It hurts when i move my shoulders!
N when i touch the sore areas i Wince!
Which hurts because my foreheads all sore too.

Bah.


I watched Dragon Tiger Gate today. Which was kinda really good!
surprisingly Nicholas Tse looked like a lil kid.. hmmm.. But cute all the same. :p

Through Most of the movie, the main character Was rather Hot.
But at the end of it, i decided that it was only so, because his HAir was covering Half his face Most of the Time!
Hehehee.
All three characters had their hair covering the ride side of their face. quite sad la.. i mean, Cudnt they come up with Some other hairstyle?! :p


ok. i have become sad now. so im gonna go.

Have been out for 2 days straight.
Will be out tomorrow.
Will (probably) be out the day after.
Thats 4 days. Perfect.
Cant stay in the house right now.
If only i cud make plans for Thursday n friday too eh?
cept for the fact that i'll have seen all the good movies by tmr. great. pfft.

anyways, watever.

marriages are stupid.
love is stupid.
promises are stupid.

whos gonna disagree?

Baby just say goodnight

Just watched Lemony Snicket : A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Was oddly stupid.

But actually quite a nice show.


Would have been a great show to watch at the cinema i think.

Darky yet pleasant i guess.

Still stupid though.
Hmmm.


I know i havnt blogged in a while.
quite a while.

Sometimes songs say it all
but most of the time its all kinda pointless.

Cant say ive been having fun.
but there have been a couple days where i rather enjoyed myself.
unfortunately, for Particular reasons that im afraid wont be repeating themselves.
(darn)

planning a couple more 'better days' anyways.
tho they hardly last long enough.

If i can upload some pics den maybe i'll update.
easier to blog with pics.
take up more space, need less words, see.


Well anyways, the hols are upon us, that is to say, me.
but before we can say much about em,
them hols will be leaving us soon.
in about a week.

back to boring old school den.
with lots of non existent studying.

obliterated

I read Potter and i see you

i know what you're like
and i don't believe in you.

Everyday at school, i see you

i see you
but i don't believe in you.


I cant live like this anymore
but neither can i stand the alternative.

you're screwing with me.

Isn't it funny how time seems to slip away, so fast.
One minute you're happy, the other you're sad.

- If Life Is So Short

Enough time has past.
my life seems to have been stuck
for way too long
and on what, you may ask.
I would like to know the same.

I want my nights back.
when i can go anywhere n do anything
even when im just staying put.
when i can play any song n just travel
without having to be wary of treading on forbidden ground.

I want my days back.
when i can hang out
when i dont have to hide
when life means something.

I want my life back.
my laugh
my happiness
my ability to Feel.

I want
to be me again.

timeless

So i guess it wud be my duty to inform u guys that i'll be off in some jakun place from tues to tues.
no net access.

not tat it wud be tat much different if i did have net.

Thats all.


Oh ya.

They butchered my hair.
Butchered.

Why do they always do that!

now i have no hair.
dammit.
sigh...

i dont have to heal every wound i see
n i dont have to defend myself.
even if i might have caused it.

i have tried. countless times.
n thats when i figured how little im needed.
you dont need me
n therefore, i wont try.

i refuse to apologise.

the meaning of happy

A guy with a name i like, which also happens to be the name of my crush, patted me on the back today.
Because i was aggitated.
*laughs*
no no, its no biggy.
just found it amusing.

:)

They say you never forget your first kiss.

Bastard doc gave me meds last time that didnt work. N now hes giving me the same bastard meds. Tat dont work. Dammit.
N the bastard meds effervesence in the stomach and come up and out as gas, n leave a fckn horrid taste in my mouth.
Bah.

im being too foul yes.

" It's tearin up my heart when i'm with you
but when we are apart i feel it too.. "

Heard it on the radio the other day. old song. (duh)
I'm not posting this for the lyrics.
but because of what they remind me..

This is the holiday period.
summer.
winter.
just hols.

I've had a few friends ask me out.
xin xue lai chao bout a month ago. at the begining of their hols.
n den promptly forgotten so far.
hmmm.
or more accurately, blew me off with promises of later. baaaaah.
:p

den ders one whos weird n i wont talk about it.

den ders one, who i let off the hook, coz i assume he doesnt really want to. n i cudnt really care.

den ders one, who i actually sorta like. but i had to turn down. too many reasons hah. boy, tat was one amusing day.

so in short. i've had loads of promises of dates or going out(s) n stuff
but none tat actually materialized.

hrmphf

Did you really think that anything was going to be different?
did you really believe?
did you really, actually, dared to hope...

No.
i had my doubts.
i know better
again.


So whats different now?

Being friends isn't just about being there when you're needed.
friends are there to share the times
not just to lend you a shoulder or a ear. (even if you're having middle ear infection)

Friends are people who want to.

And, rather importantly right now,
friends dont get to choose when they would like to be friends, and when they dont feel like being friends.
friends, even if they think that 'now n then' they should be allowed to 'take time out', sometimes it gets to a point when its not just 'sometimes'.
sometimes, it gets to the point when you're taking your friend for granted. More than the allocated amount that friends are allowed to take their friends for granted.
even if u think ure right n ur friends an ass who pisses u off.
maybe u never thought of giving them a chance. the benefit of a doubt.
maybe you never told them how u felt. or gave them a chance to explain.
or maybe you forgot, that maybe, they've been giving you alot of chances too.

I'm too old for all this 'friends' talk anyways.

Starlight cinema is back.

I wanna go goddammit.

Goddammit.
goddammit.

I want to dye my hair pink.

So i told my mum i wanna dye my hair pink.
N she says no.

So i tell my dad. Coz i know he lets me do wat i want with myself.
N he says ok. good. very nice.
=P

So i'll dye my hair pink.

Haha.

Jus you wait.

So.. u wont get it.
but u never did.

tats a lil unfair
to me.

but wats fair right.



" and no matter what i do i feel the pain
with or without you. "

my turn

She Says - Howie Day

Sweet is the sight
of a room
Window open by candlelight
How would you know?
Cold winter on the shore
chills the dress she wore
It's on the floor
Still it feels so warm, today

That's why I'm wondering why
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you
Don't have to run

And when she says she wants
Somebody else
I hope you know
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do

And when she says she wants
Someone to love
I hope you know that
she doesnt mean you
And when she breaks down
and lets you down
I hope you know
She doesnt mean you
Yeah,
No, No...

Swing into flight
Over hills
Over her hills, it's twilight
Yeah, I guess that's right now.
While we're here
Tell me why it's so funny
That you're so funny when you're mad
Cause its mad, so mad

And that's why I'm wondering why
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you
Don't have to run

And when she says she wants
Somebody else
I hope you know that
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do

And when she says she wants
Someone to love
I hope you know that
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Lets you down
I hope you know
she doesn't mean you
Yeah, no
she doesnt mean you

Yeah I don't know where
i'm coming from and
I don't know where
i'm coming to and
I don't know what
it means to me and
You don't know what
it means to you
She doesnt mean you.

in my defense

Sometimes i feel just like Cameron.

Cameron is Such an annoying pain in the ass!

...
shit.

Also. Allison Cameron is an awfully odd name.. no?

I am a bad person. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. sigh.

*sad n a little bit messed up*

See the thing you gotta understand is that
most of the time,
if you dont protect yourself,
no one else will.

N right now, i've got no one else.

be wary of ze evil evil monster that is you

The devil in my head tells me to do things.

eviiiiil things.


Ok so i've been trying to be strong n abstain from certain things.

like, cleaning my ear.

I've Always.. i dunno.. enjoyed doing just that. n i mean, really really.
I clean my ear so often that most of the time the cotton bud comes out really clean.
which is rather disappointing.
coz y'noe, u like feeling like u've accomplish something.
Sometimes i do it for a few days in a row, resulting in a completely de-waxed ear,
n sometimes even until it bleeds or hurts when i shower.
But all along its been pretty ok..
never going over board (never reeeeaaallly that is.)

Recently however,
(dont ask me, i've no idea why)
i've had this obsession with it.
clean clean clean clean clean.
ALMOST EVERYDAY!

Everyday i get this urge to clean.
N my ear will start to itch. (which is either psychological, or due to my excessive cleaning)
n because its been going on for about a month or so
i MAKE myself hold out..
but most of the time i can only hold out for a day..
maybe two..
before i get suckered back into sticking a stick in my ear!

clean clean clean clean clean.
sighhh...

why must i be deprived of this pleasure?!

Anyways, its getting really bad..
i think ive bled some
n hurt alot
But i Just Cant seem to Stop!

Look!
It Itches!
Ze Devil is telling me to go swab me ears again!
Again!

Waxy waxy doooodle.

This is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

2 year anniversary

My mood was haywire today.

up. down. up. down.

until i cant remember which i started with..

though i know which one im at now..

n i wish i wasnt...

but its ok.. i hope..

it'll get back..

as long as i dont sink too far... while im here...


Anyways. just wanted to say.

Its my two year anniversary.

yay.

two years of blogging.

havn't quit yet.

you should see the state of my diary. meh.


I should just go before i messed myself up further...

adieu

lover i dont have to love

Lover I Don't Have To Love - Bettie Serveert

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you.
Said I liked your shoes,
You said, "Thanks, Can I follow you?"

So it's up the stairs,
And out of view. No prying eyes.
I poured some wine.
I asked your name;
You asked the time.

Now it's two o'clock.
The club is closed,
We are up the block.
Your hands are on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out,
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here,
But I'm not sure.
I've got the money
If you've got the time.
He said, "It feels good."
I said "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark,
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's just take the train.
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors, with bad habits...
Some sad singers, they just play tragic.
And the phone is ringing,
And the van is leaving
Let's just keep touching,
Let's just keep...keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words,
But life's no storybook.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me...-

---

Actually this lyrics are from the original version. By Bright Eyes. But i personally prefer Serveerts cover. Feel free to check out Bright Eyes ofcourse.
I kept the lyrics instead of changing em (theres slight adjustments) coz some of the things that were different, i wanted to put in here.

It actually sounds rather cool. n mysterious.. ;)

Anyways. It came from this episode of The OC (ofcourse). Season 3 Episode 18 : The Undertow. Which was kinda rather awesome! :p I actually watched it like.. twice in a row.. :p So many funny moments that i just couldn't fit em all on my msn nick. :p

- Men are driven by a reptilian force. Spread the seed. Spread the seed. Spread the seeed!

Ok so i've been having aLot of Dejavu moments recently. Not the serious kind.. jus slightly..
For instance, the winking that Summer misunderstood as an eye problem. Even the quote above.. i even seem to remember placing it on my nick too.. N the Blade trilogy.. (tho im guessing with Seth. he'd probably watched it in the first season or something..)

- OMG! You didnt have sex at All did you?! Your lips are not chapped, there're no love bites on your neck. Your voice isn't all hoarse from screaming!

Seth (walking in on Sandy n Kirsten) : Oh. Get a room.
Sandy : Aay count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth : I know. I mean get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.

Even some parts of the lyrics of the song i seem to have seen before.. N yet i certainly dont remember searching for it before.

Blablabla. Oh well.

Enjoy the show.

---

Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks, doesn't mean she should be ignored.
just because shes not damaged the way you think a damage would be like, doesn't mean shes not carrying around a scar. too.

hornbag

There is a devil living inside my head!

After hours of trying to get down to studying (but obviously not succeeding), i put down the paper, pick my ass off the couch, n say to myself : study! study study study~!

N in my head i can actually hear him say : what is this study?! Go sleep la!

ahhh.. it is not my fault!

there is a devil living inside my head.


"i'm a bag... i'm a hornbag.. wmahahhahahahahahahaaa~"

monday letters

I dont want to see you.


because you've hurt me before.
n you've been hurting me ever since.
(ok fine. not hurting. pissing me off. coz im claiming that you havnt been able to hurt me for years now. look at that.. did you know its been two years now since you left? )

even after i got over you n things got better.

everytime you reached out i was there.
but when i reached out where were you?

even after i stopped letting you push me around
n i stop caring because id had enough of you.

but everytime you asked for me i answered.
because i am that damn nice n i never hated you enough to push you away after what you did to me, when You pushed Me away before anything was even wrong.
but all those very rare times when i reached out, n u couldn't even respond.
it was always me responding to you. everytime. never the other way around.
n when you're not the first person i offer my help to. u resented that didnt you. well, too bad. for a second you forgot youself. its me, you say. but then u remembered didnt you. that You cut Me from your life.

I dont want to see you.
now that you're back.
like i knew you would ask me to.
because its always when you want. when its convenient for you.
(do you really miss me? i wont entertain those questions anymore. coz they dont matter. nothing will.)

but i guess i will tomorrow.
cause i never learned to hate you.
n i never learned to say no.

i dont know how to enjoy myself around you anymore.
i stopped knowing how. because when it was over for me. it was over.
but thats ok. u'll have to figure that one out.

dont worry.
i'll try my best to remember never to reach out to you.

n i thank God.
that i am over you.
that at the very least. u cant hurt me anymore.
coz thats wat being over is all about.

yes i still care.
which is why i'll smile when i see you tomorrow.
n if we're lucky we'll have long chats without any glitches.
but i wont work my ass off to make things run. (i think)
they'll never be the same dear.
but we both already knew that didnt we.

i guess in a way, i am glad you didnt completely forget about us.
sigh.
but you weren't the one that got hurt were you.
everythings exactly where you want it.

shit happens.
i get it.

so i'll see you tomorrow.
n i'll smile.
n i'll care.
n we'll share.
like we used to yet not the same.
n when i leave, you wont be on my mind.
n if you want me again, i might be there.
but i wont be wanting you.


[ Edit : AND u bailed on me again. what a surprise eh. tats ok. no more whining. (i guess you dont deserve all this attention im paying to you.) some other time then.]
[ For some reason, im getting dumped by alot of people. damm.]

validation

I look so goddamn Hot today!

I look so goddamn Hot everyday!

yay!

=Ppppp

Ok, guess what i got yesterday?!

A Tatoo!!! YAY! (too bad me cant upload pics onto comp :( )
Ive ALWAYS wanted a tatoo!!! YAY!!
N those ive gotten so far just Havnt been pleasing enough!
This ones Finally.. almost.. sorta.. oklah-can-be-right. :p
haha.
it just adds to my ultimate hotness today! hahahaaaaa.
tho i do wish it was maybe bigger.. or more of it! :p
Or atLeast! In the Centre! yea.. its kinda off-centre.
(but the tatoo guy was awfully cute! *grins* (shudup elly.))

Anyways. YAY! I need to get me more of those! =)

Ok so sometimes it pisses me off (not really la) coz its not Exactly what i was looking for.
but sometimes it just looks so dam cool (ok not really either haha)
aww u know. a tatoo is jus so AWEsome! :p

Im into this makeover thing right now. (ok not really either. why the fck am i saying all this stuff that i dont mean?!)
so ive done something with my hand. (I need em tatoos! More! More!)
hmmm.. doing stuff to my nails is pointless...
so.. ive gotta do something about my hair next.
HAHA. but i like my hair (cept all its messyness) so the ONLY thing i can do is trim it.
but tat wud compromise its length.. darn.
im not ready to cut my hair yet.
its pretty much past waist length.. but im gonna let it grow somemore i think..
long hair rocks! hahahaaa. (i still remember when a bunch of ppl were trying to get me to keep my hair long. god, was it really tat long ago?)

yea dammit. time fcking flies.

oh so its not 'makeover', but more like, i wan to get my hands Into things right now..
i wanna do stuff.
so theres one thing ive signed up for. (i wonder wen it'll start. n i Hope by god that its not one of the things that'll never happen coz im so tired of myself doing that.)
n i wanna get into em activities. that i got out of previously coz i jus wasnt into doing stuff with ppl. but its still either organising crap activities with n for a bunch of ppl. (eventho then id Finally get to see my crush again! God i havnt talked to him in Ages! Hahah!) or.. something that requires me to have confidence. which i dont. (ALSO eventho this Other guy i have a crush on is there. hahahhahaaaa. but hes a jerk. sniff. i miss him. sniff.)
i am tired of procrastinating. so i shall jus be quiet n see.
ok?
ok.

Anyways. about the hot thing.
yes.
me wan be hot.
lets see.
we'll see.
...
(OMG I CanNOT believe I Ever listened to you u Bastard! U are SO wrong! It SO sucks!)

going to read something to make me happy now.
coz i need to read something that will make me happy. now.

song for the new age

Its perfect.

n I think it cud make a perfect song on a soundtrack.
god knows which one though. Laguna Beach maybe? hahaa..

---

Collide - Dishwalla

When I came here there was more.
Now I've come back to destroy,
And I've got nothing left,
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love,
And it's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
We break.

When the cold comes crashing down,
And the fight lost what it's about.
I could tell that you'd left.
It's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
It's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
When we collide..

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide.

It's a mistake,
When we collide we lose ourselves,
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake,
When we collide,
When we collide.

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide, we break,
We break.

end of the end

The 1st of June.
if you could count. you would know what this day is.
but im guessing. you cant.

This was to be my Rubicon.
but i know i was just kidding myself.
as these few days have clearly proved to me..

but thats ok.
because there cant be a day.
but with time.
n it will come to be.
because there is no other way.

It annoys me that people, being at this age, my age, old enough to know what is socially acceptable n what isn't, are still rather insensitive about certain things..
funny really.
(like, erm, excuse me! i guess i dont really mind, but, should you really have said that?!)
but its ok.
because i like you guys.
n because.. i guess.. i have to admit that i dont hate it that much.

Anyways.
Today requires a special post to mark the special day.
n there was this perfect song.
but instead, i'll post that on tomorrow.
because today is the end.
n that, is the begining. (ok fine, not really. but watever.)

I love all these songs.
n i was debating on 2 which would fit better here.
Both having some words that fit..
but i guess, for the other song, Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls, (go d/l it, or ask me to send you.) only certain words fit, while the others.. well not really huh.
This one however. (N I Do Love the Song! :) )
admittedly, im not sure its a perfect fit.
but whatever.
its nice. :p

which means, hehe, dont blame me, coz i've already admitted that i'm not making promises. :p

---

Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

And I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
n are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry 'bout the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Well I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
n are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry 'bout the things that could break us

If I were to give in - I'd give it up - and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

to be wanted

All I was looking for
was a sign that what i said, had meant something.
had helped a little.
or that even if it hadn't, the mere act of wanting to help would have meant something.

yes its odd. n its stupid..
to get upset, as if the whole world was against me, when what this person is facing, is a far far worse nightmare then i could ever understand.

but

its just one of the tiny pieces
of the many that have been thrown my way.

n it came after...

sigh...

im so tired of caring..
of liking..
of thinking that people that i like actually like me back.
even if its just a little. not even in any special way.
of working my plans around you because i thought it wud mean something.
even that tiny little bit.
thought that it was something nice to do.

to remember that you asked me for a favour.
when you yourself forgot that you'd even asked.
to have made little plans about it. thought about. analysed the best way to go about it.
when all that time i spent... it wasn't even anywhere near your mind..
so ironic.
that i walked up.. approached.. cared.
n you had no idea what i was talking about.
reality.
that it hadn't mattered to you in any way..
that you had asked me for a favour.
but that had meant less to you, than it had to me.

is it because i think too highly of myself?
to think that all these 'you's would care.. would like me back?
or is it because i.. cant stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.
that maybe you just might be that nice..

Don't you think i already Know its Stupid.
to Think that you could possibly like me back?
but it doesn't seem to ever stop..
just goes on..
with all of you..

He broke my heart that day.
when he told me he was sad.
Why are you sad?
because i told you i was leaving?...
i know it cant be.. but then why?..
when first i knew it cudn't be, jokingly you grinned n said 'because i wont see you anymore'.
and later came the more heartfelt outpouring of you being sad..
but i didnt ask...

now..
i'm tired of spending these weeks wondering..
wondering whether you like me, just as i like you.
that maybe, you dont want me to go.

and it hurts the most.
not that you dont care.
but that i do.
that just that little inconclusive sign.
a sigh, a look, a line..
already had my mind in whirls..
already had it planning
on how i was going to work my life around yours.
n for wat?
i dont even know.

maybe because
what i need now
is to be the world, to someone,
when all i am is just someone, to the world.

n yes.
i hate myself.
for that day. when i went down.
n actually attempted to put plan into action
actually was gonna maybe, maybe, try to stay.

so that i wont leave. n you cud be with me.

defence mechanisms left up.
yes i told myself just maybe.
but wasn't i stupid enough already.
to do that i had to think
that you cared.
that you wanted me.

who was i to think that?

n yes im tired now.
from all of you.
all of you
i dont care anymore.
i wont think anymore.
even if all those new little signs nag at me that you want to see me again.
no.
i wont care.

if you want. maybe you'll just have to ask straight out.
but guess what?
if you did. i would say no.

because all of you mean nothing to me.

imagine

what its like, when he does?

[edit : this post is about, mainly, 2 different ppl. the identities of which will be kept secret. however, it is not anyone that you might think of. discussion of this post will only compromise it as, feelings can be felt in a broader spectrum than there are words to describe it.] :)

psychosis

- You toyed with my heart, like a toy heart...

- Mr. Monk, Its a million dollars! You wont have to worry for the rest of your life!
*Monk stares*
Ok, ofcourse, You will worry, but not about money!

- Yea, I trusted you.
You always trust me. Big mistake.

---

Its funny.. (atleast i tot it was), how light can really change your perspective..
(ok.. maybe not perpective per se...)
unfortunately, each has its own consequence.

darn light made me turn on tv.
darn light made me eat.
both of which can be therapeutic ofcourse. (or something like tat. having trouble speaking properly. hah)
so now! its time for House. n i cant call someone anymore.
bah.

(OO! Its the Sex one that i Missed! No wait its not! The guys turning down sex!)
if u watched it,
the girl was on top of the guy. (arent they always?)
n was persuading him to 'do it'.
oddly, (yea dont you think? guy turning down sex.. pffft.) he was reluctant.
finally! she convinces him! (with more seduction obviously. men.)
But wait! turns out.. she was convincing him to let her drive the Porche.
bah.
the turning down sex thing should have given you a clue. no?

odd.. i never realised i missed so many episodes of House the first time around.. doesnt make sense..
N i know the later parts, Chase is the one thats a jerk tho now its Foreman, while Chase is pretty much always on his side. heh.
guess tats why they dont kick Chase out.

n y'noe wat.
its getting Fcking annoying how Cameron 'cares' about House.
Fcking. annoying.

I was just saying how House deals with aLot of stuff we study. n sometimes, coincides with em too.
This time its SLE. (So Cool!) Unfortunately, we did it ages ago. Wish it was shown on House den.

Today, Wilson said something about how the brain having a gating pain mechanism, it focuses on one pain n blocks out the others.
House smashed his hand to take his mind off the pain in his leg.
heh.
now aint that interesting. explains alot.

- They let me do my job. They take away my pain!

it wasnt just his leg he was talking about.


He asked me before (no not House.), well, sort of asked.. why was i this certain way when all the time hes known me, i have always been the opposite.
N inside i thought, its because i dont show you what 'way' i really am.
or if its not the 'real' one,
its because, i dont show him, or most people for that matter, that me.
n because, when i do, you dont handle it very well. hmph.
(now my mood has change n i cant talk to you anymore. N, ure not picking up. grr.)

there seems to be an association between exam times n the lack of mood to study. (not that there is studying without exam times.... hmmm....)
shit.

n what is it with the bloody american kids n hickeys.
i mean. why is it such a big deal?
why is it always so obvious?
n why!? do they find it neccessary to give em to each other anyways?
it doesnt Have to be so big n red y'noe...
pfffft.
im pissed now.

oh another thing.
Im addicted to cleaning my ears.
i know tis not good but dammit i cant stop! (like something else i know. bah.)

n, bah, i'm hot right now.
shuddup dammit. i am.


stay away stay away stay away! arghhhhhhhh!

n yes. i'm still having them fcking bad dreams.

can you see it?

nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag go away nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag

when

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

five senses

i am free today.

kinda wish i wasn't...

or to be free alot.

its tough getting stuck in the middle.

or people (ie. me) jus complain no matter wat.


why is it always so much trouble, going out.
bah.
things always dont work out exactly right hrmm.
not my free day. purghh.

sigh

ok lets see.
slept at 4am (yest), had to wake up by 5?
couldn't sleep well by the time the alarm started ringing.
(i put it on snooze. repeatedly. or i wont wake)
5 minutes n 5 minutes of falling asleep n dreaming lightly, half wondering when its time to wake, when the alarm will ring....
been having alot of those half-asleep half-awake times recently..
where you're sleeping.. dreaming even..
but ur dreams are not so much dreams, but.. fantasies? like.. what you ask your mind to think about..
but den again they might slip into dreams.. coz u cant control ur mind so much at that sleepy stage..
but u still know that what ure seeing are dreams..
n ure aware of your surroundings..
it can get freaky n night-marish at times..

been having bad dreams i guess.

---

10th May. Wednesday.

breathed in someone by accident. and then, delibrate.
because it was.... so comforting (yes, i shall use that instead of the words i want to say)
and it was just like what Oliver was. only in a different sense. literally.
Oliver.
with his dark hair.. all soft and falling on his head. soft, like fresh out of a shower, dried because you dont retain that much water.. but moist n soft.
unstyled n natural. all that sweeter..
giving you that totally cute n adorable look on your face. clean young sweet fresh.
n his face. already being that. before you put up those mischevious grins.
n hes shirt. it was grey. long sleeve, round neck.
like those that some only wear at home, but not neccessarily.
it was long, big, comfy. giving the slight impression of drowning in it.
enhancing his sleepy-sweet look.
how do i put it in words?


where are you?
n where am i?

where'd you go

lets see..

its 2.11am..
have to be up in 3 hrs..
but dont exactly feel like sleeping.. jus got up 3 hrs ago?..
arrfffff...

another day of walking around n doing nothing tomorrow..

spent an hour an a half watching this show
Carandiru
in a language i dont understand.
not too bad actually.. if u watch it.
but the conditions.. (its a jail) do seem slightly similar to the hospital i was in today.

quite sad.
sigh.

thing is.
when some other people express their concern from the people and the place.
they mean it. alot more than i possibly could.

damn.

okay.. missed the best part of the show while blogging..
no wait. went back to it n it wasnt the best part.
the worse.
the show was actually good until they started killing people for no reason.
bastards.
bastard riot police. they were looking for a prison riot so they could go around killing everyone.
pffft.

will seem to be slightly free-er this week.
good finally. finally a lil break.
but. gotta start studying soon.
bloody exams.
all this studying can get reeeaaally annoying.
lousy parasites.

i know some people study better than others

bad days bad days.

sleep.
2.42am.
i hope i'll learn enough stuff today to write the darn report.

yes. this has been a useless blog.
i apologise.
but i needed to talk.
...

---

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

3.01am.
nite.

oh rusty dagger

Tetanus
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Tetanus is a serious and often fatal disease caused by the neurotoxin tetanospasmin which is produced by the Gram-positive, obligate anaerobic bacterium Clostridium tetani. Infection usually originates from a contaminated wound, often a cut or deep puncture wound. Common symptoms are muscle spasms in the jaw (hence the common name lockjaw), followed by difficulty swallowing and general muscle stiffness in other parts of the body. Infection can be prevented by proper immunization, as well as by post-exposure prophylaxis.

"Tetanus" can also refer to a state of muscle tension.

Bacilli of C. tetani can be found in soil (especially agricultural soil), and the intestines and feces of horses, sheep, cattle, rats, dogs, cats, guinea pigs, and chickens. Spores are found in manure-treated soil, skin surfaces (of both animals and humans), under nail-beds, and in contaminated heroin.

There are four different clinical forms of tetanus: local (uncommon), cephalic (rare), generalized (most common), and neonatal (a common cause of infant mortality in underdeveloped countries). Generalized tetanus accounts for 80% of tetanus cases.

Symptoms

The incubation period for tetanus is 3 days to as long as 15 weeks (with the average being about 8 days). For neonates, the incubation period is 4 to 14 days, with 7 days being the average. Most of the time, the further the wound is from the central nervous system, the longer the incubation period. Incubation period length and likelihood of death are inversely proportional; a deep, contaminated wound that allows the bacteria to flourish and causes a quick, aggressive infection is much more life-threatening than a shallower, less-contaminated wound that causes milder symptoms to appear days or weeks later.

The first sign of tetanus is a mild jaw muscle spasm called lockjaw (trismus), followed by stiffness of the neck and back, risus sardonicus, difficulty swallowing, and muscle rigidity in the abdomen. The stiffness and spasming of muscles expands throughout the body inferiorly, and can be so powerful that they cause muscle tears and even fractures[2]. These muscle contractions are due to tetanospasmin—a chemical released by C. tetani—which inhibits the release of both GABA and glycine, the neurotransmitters that serve to inhibit muscle contraction.

Typical signs of tetanus include an increase in body temperature by 2 to 4°C, diaphoresis (excessive sweating), an elevated blood pressure, and an episodic rapid heart rate. Spasms and muscle contraction last for 3 to 4 weeks, and complete recovery may take months. About 30% of tetanus victims die, most of whom are elderly patients. In developing countries, the mortality rate may be as high as 60%.

Complications of the disease include spasms of the larynx (vocal cords), accessory muscles (chest muscles used to aid in breathing), and the diaphragm (the primary breathing muscle); fractures of long bones secondary to violent muscle spasms; and hyperactivity of the autonomic nervous system.

Prevention

Tetanus can be prevented by vaccination. A booster vaccine is recommended every ten years, and standard care in many places is to give the booster to any patient with a puncture wound who is uncertain of when he or she was last vaccinated. One Tetanus booster used presently is called TDap or DTaP (a protection from Diphtheria and Pertussis as well). The risk from Tetanus, Diphtheria and Pertussis (whooping cough) is higher than the risk of vaccine side-affects. There was a shortage of tetanus vaccine in the United States in 2001 and 2002, but this supply issue was corrected in 2003.Worldwide, there are approximately one million cases of tetanus each year. (There are about 100 cases and approximately five deaths each year in the .)

Association with rust

Tetanus is often associated with rust, especially rusty nails, but this is somewhat misleading. Rust itself does not cause tetanus or contain more C. tetani bacteria. Objects that accumulate rust are often found in the outdoors or places that generally contain more bacteria. Since C. tetani is an anaerobic bacterium, it will thrive in an environment that lacks oxygen. Therefore, stepping on an old forgotten nail in a stable could easily result in tetanus, partly because C. tetani is found in animal feces (which is rather abundant in a stable) and the puncture wound would effectively create an ideal breeding ground for the bacteria (because of the lack of oxygen). Such an old nail would likely be rusty, but a lack of rust would provide no protection. On the other hand, someone scratching themselves against a rusty fire escape ladder in an urban setting would have a much lesser chance of getting tetanus since fire escape ladders do not often come into intimate contact with soil, dirt or organic waste and the wound itself (a scratch) does not create an oxygen-poor environment.

whats left of me

Studying be going very very very badly.

am honestly absolutely screwed.

feelings of giving up been present for quite a bit but have to slog on.

except, not much slogging has been done.


i guess, not that i care all that much,
but some people are gonna be rather disappointed (not to mention certain others would insult) when i fail.
note nomenclature. when not if.

:(

probably get into some trouble too but
aihhhhhhh
i did try.
a lil.

not that im tired
or overstressed from over studying..
just..
cant do much.
stuff on mind.

need company..

sigh..
but no ones providing company so..
just about to give up..

[edit: just discovered that i'm missing half my physics notes. oh yay. less to study. -_-"]

chrissy bear

My Babys going home tonight....

waaaaaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccckk!!!!

Curse you!
Curse every single one of you who didn't vote for my baby!!!

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! :'(


i think they knew though..
if u watched how Simon answered Randys question..
but we all knew too..
around this time of the competition..
even the great ones have to go home..
*sniff sniff*
n even when someone sucks more than u (ie. Katharine. no offence. but Chris be my baby. wat'd u expect right. :p)
sometimes.. u still havta go home.

*^$@&^(*@()*$()&*^@(*@&#)(*@)_#*@#*(& bloody americans @*&^&@^*&^#(*!&(*^@&*%$(*^

the judges forget sometimes i guess
but what they say matters.
really reeeeeeeeeeeeaaally matters.
if hes Good. u reeaaally gotta make it clear man!
that AND the bloody american voters!!!
BAH!

(ok.. this post is getting a little rude... =p)

funny.
bcoz i dont exactly catch american idol, i gotta see Chris's first performance. n his last.
=PpppPppp
ok not exactly.
I saw Haemorrhage first n just that one song did it for me.
(coz i love the song n all. n Chris rocks. n is so hot. =P)
and all thruout the season, i practically didnt watch it at all, but i Knew i loved Chrissy n no one else! *dramatic sniff sniff sob sob*
(yea, i Think! i jus saw somewhere, there was one song before Haemorrhage.)
i Did getta catch the Queen night,
where admittedly, Simon was right, he Wud have been Amazing had he picked a hit.
n den yesterday, i happened to turn on Idol, n ofcourse i wanted to catch my baby!
but it wasn't him.
Taylor (who rocked, yes) sang, n was getting his feedback i think..
so i changed the channel, intent on changing back at the appropriate time.
Juust to see if i cud catch Chris!
(coz all thruout the season, the rare times i turned on AI, i always missed Chris)
n den i sorta forgot! sniff! coz, used to missing him n all!
n i turned back Just a Lil too late!!!
Just as he was getting his feedback!
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I Missed my Chrissy sing!!!
(tho i caught the review at an earlier time n Man was he Rockin! n Hot! Ofcourse!) =P

n now he be gooooooooooooooooooooooooone!!!!
NooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!
Baby Come Baaaaaaccckkkk!!!

rocker dude.

Man! I've gotta catch the season repeat.
(but im not interested in anyone else laaaa)
he sang a bunch of songs that i love!
Had i not loved him, 'What a Wonderful World' wud have had me screaming n kissing his feet! (for personal reasons.) :p
[edit: opps, wrong song. its the Other 'what a wonderful world'. darn.]

ok ok.. too chocolatey sweeeet.

me trying to find him in his white shirt from yesterday. that was super hot+handsome+cute+blablabla n therefore a must-have...

oh yay. obviously i found it. :)

p.s. FUEL offered him to be their LEAD SINGER after they heard him sing Haemorrhage!!! WTF!!!!! THats SO AWESOME!!! THat was only like his SEcond Song! WTFFF!!!! (admittedly, i wasnt extremely impressed with his version.. i liked the original better. i loved him for the song. n i had the feeling he'd make it. :p n everyone else loved him too.. including Fuel. Now Tats..... something....)

oh look! a nipple! *laughs hysterically*

p.p.s. Chrissy, i like your baldy head. =PPPPP

it would have been purple

Buy Me A Rose - Kenny Rogers

He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
A three-car garage; her own credit cards
He pulls in late to wake her up with a kiss goodnight
If he could only read her mind, she'd say . . .

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open a door for me
What would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life.

Now the days have grown to years of feeling all alone
And she can't help but wonder what she's doing wrong
Lately she'd try anything to turn his head
Would it make a difference if she'd said . . .

Buy me a rose
Call me from work
Open a door for me
What would it hurt?
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life.

And the more that he lives, the less that he tries
To show her the love that he holds inside
And the more that she gives, the more that he sees
This is the story of you and me.

So I bought you a rose on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope you notice this look in my eyes
'Cause I'm gonna make things right for the rest of your life.

And I'm gonna hold you tonight . . .
Do all those little things for the rest of your life.

See... I would have sent you a rose..

but the guy was gonna charge me 5000 bucks for it..
but the coins kept pointing to no. not that that stopped me.
but the girl said she didnt do it no more..
but the other girl had no idea what i was talking about.
but the number was an old one that was no longer working.
but they wouldn't open in time, for me.
but i didnt have a credit card to pay for it.
but they all didnt have that one rose...

but you wouldn't have known anyways...

so you see...
are they all right? or am i wrong?

it would have been purple.

i believe in gurdian angels. for you.

arms wide open

My Reply - The Ataris

I got your letter
and the poetry you sent me
postmarked in december of last year
i really hope you're doing better
all your friends close by your side
one step closer to recovering.

I wish there was something i could say
to erase each and every page
you've been through
even though its not my place to save you

I appreciate but cant accept
this thank you note thats sealed with your last breath
and i wont stand aside and listen to you give up

If you'll just hold on for one more second
just hold on to what you have
if you'll just hold on. just hold on.

if you'll just hold on for one more second
just hold on to what you have
if you'll just hold on. just hold on.

These arms remain stretched out to you
maybe someday you'll accept them
or maybe its too late to save
a young girls heart thats long stopped beating

Wake up wake up you gotta believe
wake up wake up you cant give up
time keeps going on without us
long after we're dead and gone

I wish there was something i could say
to erase each and every page
you've been through
even though its not my place to save you

I appreciate but cant accept
this thank you note thats sealed with your last breath
and i wont stand aside and listen to you give up

If you'll just hold on for one more second
just hold on to what you have
if you'll just hold on. just hold on.

If you'll just hold on for one more second
just hold on to what you have
if you'll just hold on. just hold on.

you will wake up tomorrow

---

for some reason..

since.. always,

i keep singing it as one last second.

not kidding.

sounds kinda cool anyways.

you will wake up tomorrow

i wud think that that wud be the problem.

---

Yesterday, someone caught me lying.

i have a problem with lying.
as in, ive never been all too good at it.

so, i think it was pretty obvious that i was lying through my teeth.
n she made it clear that she didnt buy it.

but, who cares.
what can they do right?

besides.
you know how, the best way to lie, is to tell the truth?
because the truth is so.. obvious. that no one will believe it.
that wud have been a way out. but again who cares how well i lie.
the truth, that wud have crossed her mind..
wud be perceived as too absurd to be believable.
so. safe for now.

now. have to make sure to keep it from family...

---

you tell me to let you know if i need you,
but i do. i do let you know but you just dont see it.
i do let you know. but u push me away.
i do. but it is when i do, that you hurt me the most.

tell me, how do i go on letting you know?

facing the land of the living

It's Monday.

only monday n im having the worse week of my life.

The bad news is, im not exaggerating.

Thinking thoughts i've never thought before.
Feeling things i've never felt before.
..
Doing things i've never done before.. (severity-wise i guess)
well.. that was yesterday n the day before. but all the same...

breaking down.
n all i wish to do when i break down is to
1) die.
2) curl up, burry my face n cry.
3) die.

whats worse.
time doesnt stop n wait for you
n neither do your responsibilities.
having my world turn dark n end doesnt excuse me from the exam at the end of the week.
the exam i cudnt study for in the first place.
the exam i cant do anything about now.

whens it gonna end?

my escape routes block now..
where will the healing be?
pushing it.
its all my fault

exacerbated
only because i was concern...?

time n place.

My prayer,
-God, are You even there?
-a gurdian angel
-save me
-a messenger........

i cant explain..
i dont know..
my belief that i dont know means much more than just that..

facing the land of the living..


[edit: you don't believe me do you]

nothing left to give

There are many ways that people measure their self-worth.

Being a filial son/daughter to your parents.
Through the eyes of the one you love.
As the protector for your children.
A friend who puts a smile on peoples faces, and helps heal broken hearts.
As a teacher maybe, where you mold the future.
A spiritual leader, helping others find peace, find solace, find God.
or even as the provider for ur dog tats all tat dependent on you.

I think ive just found the thread with which I measured mine.
In the past months, I'd tot that i pretty much didnt have all that much left in me,
but den i lost it.
I lost it and thats when i realised what it was.

n now its gone.
n im emptier than i have ever been..
i thought i was all spent, but u never know, u might surprise yourself.
so maybe in the future i'll have less than nothing, god knows.
but this is what it is now.

now,
even to me,
i know that i am nothing.

goliath

Over My Head - the Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
You find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between and

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind

Everone knows I'm in
Over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind




Its not too bad a song. Rather nice.
Funny. how some things fit more than you thought huh.. when it comes down to it
buuuut, it doesnt really matter. not right now.
'everyone's assuming wrong i think.

---

if you throw yourself into the lions den
u cant exactly blame the lion can you huh

but anyways
the lion's smart, see,
he knows if he's the one that grabs you n pulls you in
den its his fault
n he'll get shot or something

but he's still a lion.
he wants you in.
food.
so he lures you

prances
poses

he meows.
he slowly swipes out a gentle paw
playful he tells you
he offers cuddles against his big warm body, his soft fur
his eyes bore into you
n you see,
because he shows you,
the lil cub he once was
you see him telling you
tat he appreciates you coming over to see him
n, the last one,
wont you please step in for a bit?
for him?

n ofcourse you step in.
who'd resist that baby cub you learned to love?
n we all know what happens next.

oh yes.
i've been bitten way too many times
way too many times not to recognise the tell-tale signs
not to be able to tell when hes seducing you in
it comes easily now
bit by bit

but its not all his fault is it?
course not.
you did throw yourself in dear
n you still will huh

tat's ok.
you learn.
somethings dont change.
but somethings do.

you'll deal.


(ok, maaaybe, i overdid the luring bit)

---

Mood : indifference, actually.