espionage

SOmebody!
Take me out to eat chocolate cakes!
chocolate cookies!
chocolates.

(p.s. i need a burger. a nice, big, Meaty burger. oh n dont forget the mayonaise please.)

why doesnt this house have any chocs?!
(oh n btw, the water smells like shit. n i mean literally.)

---

my legs are so full of scars now..
alot more in the making.
arms too.

dammit.

---

He wants to forgive him.
inside, hes screaming to forgive him.
Dying to forgive him.

But he doesnt want to forgive him.
coz hes done it before
n he knows if he forgives him
it just paves the way for him to be hurt again.


A friend once told me..
being with you..
the highs are sky high
but the lows are shitty low..
without you
im indifferent.
maybe i wont get to feel as happy..
but atleast i wont feel as sad.
(maybe not his exact words but the meanings there..)

The higher you climb..
the farther u'll have to fall..

---

everything unsaid.

whats life like when you grow up?


don't make me cry baby..

send me a postcard

Listening : In Every Sunflower - Bell X1

My book has more bookmarks than pages
'Cos it takes me ages
Or is everybody reading
Is everybody reading

Standing on a black Ulster hill
I never fear the chill
'Cos everybody's holding
Everybody's holding

I wouldn't swap the pain
For never knowing you
I wouldn't swap the pain
It was worth it for the view

My book has more bookmarks than pages
'Cos it takes me ages
Or is everybody reading
Is everybody reading

Of a sparkling Medusa
With snakes of cerise and blue
And though we're all pillars of salt now
it was worth it for the view

I wouldn't swap the pain
For never knowing you
I wouldn't swap the pain
'Cos it was worth it for the view

We're still watching
Your rainbow through the shower
And we still see you
In every sunflower
We're still watching
I make days from the hours
Coz I still see you
In every sunflower
Every screaming sunflower

And how they scream of you

go have a listen.
a note tho..
the bloody keyboards are pissing the sh*t outta me.
shut up already.

playboy, playgirl.

tired again..
didnt last long..

Two years ago, when I was there in June..
his father works der.. n i was 'hoping' tat maaybe id bump into him.
Yea right. (do u hav Any idea how Far out of the way it is.)

Next February. i think.
i was there. hiding behind a pillar.
sneaking a call.
wearing a chain.

I remember tat June too.
last time i was there before this.
didnt seem that long ago.
yet seemed so long ago too.
I was alone. tho i shudnt have been.
but yes i remember the being alone.
a little bit of company..
but still somewhat alone..

N this time it is..
different.
but same.
but different.

In less than two years
same place..
Four different times
Each occasion so different from the last..

---

Been Dying to watch Casanova for a while.
i Loved the pig part.
Out today i heard..
tho the dam posters have been saying 9th Feb for ages now.
ugh.

Got great stuff today.
Jewellery n guy clothes shopping.
its like a dream.
heh.

saw someone.
..

Anyways, was awful sad that i REALLY want to see but i Might not be able to see
just like
Charlie n the Chocolate Factory
Herbie: fully loaded
Sky High
WALLACE n GROMIT
somemore maybe?

BUT DEN!
i might get lucky.
few more days~

Ive had a Number of ppl tell me real recently
how hard it is to shop for girls for Valentines day.
yea right.
not all tat hard.
1 shop n Loads tat i liked.
n most wud agree that pretty much anything wud be ok
unless its superbly lame n stupid like tissue or scissors or something.
Roses. Chocolates. standard safety zone.
n i wud like to disagree.
it is Not inappropriate to get More den chocolates for a girl who isnt your girlfriend yet.
(actually come to think of it. a cute soft toy wud do very well on such occasions)
(especially if you know how to pick em)
(for tips, call me)

All you've gotta do
is listen.
i know i did.
its not that hard.
infact, i think i can be pretty transparent at times.
(too actually. dammit.)

it all comes down to
how much you really want to do.
no excuses.
n your relationship, ofcourse.

---

why does she always say 'Hey' like that...
they dont deserve it.
not all the time.

n i saw that look she gave him..
resentful love, sweetheart.

(n now shes gay. riight.)

---

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day.
well actually.. supposed to have a few short minutes of good time..

but he insinuated something..
i think..
ur work. my work. waa?..

its hard to tell.
can hardly get half the things he tries to say.
just smile n nod.

well im Sorry if you dont like me.


but i guess i bloody like you.

eww.

I'll find my own happiness tomorrow.
if i can.
but it lies in u too.

ew!

---

Why is it that guys Loove to do stuff for the girls Before they get the Girl.

but once they've gotten her
its just too much hard work..?

I'd Love to do stuff for my guy anytime.

---

you try to do stuff for people
fix everything up
coz no one else gived enough shit to do anything about anything

but when something goes wrong
n you're not too happy anymore

Don't come blaming me.

i wasn't the one who screwed up.

there're somethings called circumstances. n life.

I'm not God.
there are things beyond my dam control.

Deal with it.

---

Nite guys..

pendant

This. Yes this.

---

How far - Martina Mcbride

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
How far
Ooohhhh

my loss

To Where You Are - Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

You cant do it better than he does.

---

i find that when what i have on my mind is me
i like to talk about not me

or maybe its just the people
pretty much all of them though..
which brings us back to square one i guess.

i called someone for some company today
to ask..
was mediocre..
cant depend on people much these days
none to depend on that is
i make it turn out the same.

my heart cries. because its appropriate

talking to a friend
who used to help
now hes just mostly too distracted to see..
havnt talked about me much to that one for a long while too.
tho admittedly i talked about me enough to last a few years some time back
just cant do it.

day after day after day
i try to think of someone i can talk to
just the kinda talk that leaves you feeling less.. alone..
i go through the same names in my head
but always
leaving me with nothing

going back to the start.

---

i need you. i'll need you from now.
if you're even out there..

he said what he said

i saw him

he said what he said..

how could he?

after i told him what he said
n he told me he was different..
that he wouldnt say what he said..

but he did.

All men are the same.
All men are jerks.

Did he?
*nods*..
i told you he did.

well atleast..
i couldnt ask one so i asked the other.

why?
what does it mean
when you say what you say..

n so he tells me..
what he thinks he means atleast..
what i knew.

i said.

well i hope he'll be ok..
not for a while ofcourse.. it always hurts.
sensitivity
though i knew it was wrong.
yet still i hope it'll go on for a while..
it's still better den being alone..

---

i want chocolates.
i want putu piring.
i want chocolate cake!
(well i had chocolate cake but it didnt satisfy my desire)

it was nice.
(there are good times still.)

someone promised me presents. or chocolates. yay.
though it wasnt exactly a promise..
n i did say that its okay..
dam..

i like surprises. =p

n someone called me over for help. yay.

n i got to drive. yay.
n dream. not so yay.
hmmm..

---

promises are kinda tricky..

in its own time.. its own place..

missing stars

if you knew about my one wish..

---

you know wat?
i hate those two words that i hear from you all the time..
cold..
like what my dad said..
*laughs*
that n that long standing winner..


I found that song i was looking for.
so glad
jus cant download it yet..
couple days.
(OMG!! ITS SO blinking HARD to FIND this Dam song! First i cudnt find out What it was called! And den when i do n i try to download it ITS THE WRONG SONG! Titles correct.. artists correct.. But the DAM d/l has the Wrong song FOR ALL THOSE UNDER TAT TITLE! OMG!)
*breathes*

---

you know..
in every relationship..
two people brought together as one..
two heads.. two minds.. two hearts..
what one says might not be taken by the other in exactly the same way as it was intended..

in every relationship
theres bound to be misunderstandings
mistakes
misconceptions
words said with the wrong tone..
that call that came just that little bit too late..
a fight never settled..

sometimes.. one of these misunderstandings..
jus about pushes the relationship off the cliff..
n when u realise ur mistake..
the fact that.. with all the what if's..
things might just have been different.

but.. when all these things happen..
they happen for a reason..
n i dont mean the everything happens for a (future) reason kinda reason..
but a past reason..
as in.. things happen because other things lead to it..

sure it was a mistake.. a misunderstanding..
something that Cud have been prevented.. avoided..
but maybe.. all those times he had her ragging on him about his shortcomings..
all those times she second guessed herself..
they finally took a toll on the relationship..
maybe.. just maybe..
disappointment happened one too many times..
she was done waiting for him
n that mistake.. was a mistake waiting to happen..

everything happens for a reason.
twice over.

---

Quotes: When my mother died, I began to build a wall around my heart. Every year that wall grew taller, more fortified. Till eventually it became impenetrable. I want to tear that wall down, Helen, I do. I just don't have the slightest clue how to do it. - Lex Luthor

foolish pride

ARGH GodDAmmit!

I typed n Lost a post!

GAH!

sigh..

Anyways.. I was saying..

DYING trying to find the song with these lyrics!
I wouldn't come any closer, couldn't help it if i tried.
Wasnt building up my defences, for the sake of foolish pride
Doesnt mean that i dont want to, doesnt mean that im afraid

CANT believe its SO hard to Find!
UGH!
Please do tell me if u know..

oh n..
Tis is cool..

http://www.blurty.com/users/hella_quotes

---

How do you know if he really loves you?
It's when you punch him & he kisses you...
when you scream and yell & he calms you...
when you cry & he hugs you...
and when you tell him you hate him, he whispers "I love you."

so far down

Strange and Beautiful - Aqualung

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

Yeah...
Yeah...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the frist thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.

I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep 'cos I'll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me, yeah...

yeah...
yeah...
yeah...
yeah...

---

it doesn't hurt..

i cant ask

why is it
that wen u hate someone..

u also hate.. yourself..


this is gonna be a bad day..

(no matter how it turns out.)

the repeat

looking forward
to sushi n cake

(been craving for choc cake for so long!.. wont be getting it tho..)

i will have fun!

actually, i dont really believe tat..
im an irresponsible friend.. dam..

hmm wait a second.. just remembered.. a friend left for Genting n will be leaving for Terrengganu (i forget how u spell tat..) or somewhere.. i forget tat too.. around this time..
forgot to say goodbye.. dam..

two songs tat still hurt, playing.. dam.
i had the most interesting conversation with God about 'hmm's' tho..

it always happens.. exactly like last time.. n the time before that.. n the time before that..

also.. i think i need to figure out a way to spend atleast Some of my ang pau money..
but again.. tats probably not gonna happen.. hmmm..

it reminds me of love..

its late.. like.. really late tat u can actually sensibly call it early..
tired..
tired.. but too lazy to sleep..
today, i actually felt that way.. hmmm..

sighh..

really need to go tho.. n i will after this i guess..
tired..
have to get up in a bit..

but u know wat?
once again, im a prisoner to the night..
a willing one ofcourse..
turned off all the lights..
cept the slight redness coming from the sky outside..
still veery slight..
n ofcourse.. the songs are playing..
perfect mood eh..

so.. wats fun tat i can do?

so, theres something im not really thinking about..
i.. played the fool today..
because if i did..
it would make me sad i guess..

i miss u y'noe..
nights like this..
wen i used to stay up n blog..
just like this..
i miss tat..

u know wat?
i think im missing alot of people right now..
'cept.. i cant really figure out who..

guess its off to bed for me..
(oh crap.. dammit.. im having the next few days.. home alone.. with someone i dont exactly enjoy.. darn.. n my two distractions are both over.. dammit!)

so again.. tell me..
how am i havin fun again?

walking in the sand

Walking Behind - The Moffatts

She's running
And he's walking behind
He's trying
But he's last in her line
His love's dying but he keeps on tryin
He lives in fear with a love that's clear
He's got love that he needs to give
but she's afraid to let him in

[CHORUS]
To her world with no together
She can't see him in her picture
She wants love, but her heart won't let her
let him in
He's walking behind
He's walking behind

The phone's ringin
Is it her on the line?
Does he answer
Or is he wasting his time?
Her loves dying but she keeps on trying
She lives in fear with a love that's clear
She's got love that she needs to give
but he's afraid to let her in

[CHORUS]
To his world with no together
He can't see her in his picture
He wants love, but his heart won't let him
let her in
She's walkin behind
Yeah

They've got a love to give
But they're afraid to let it in
She's got a love to give
And he's got a love to give
So let em in
Yeah

A world with no together
She can't see him in her picture
She wants love
so let him in

To his world with no together
He can't see her in his picture
He wants love but his heart won't let him
let her in

He's walking behind
She's walking behind

---

This is looong overdue..
me posting one of their songs..
i take long breaks from them sometimes..
but wen i do happen to get back to them..
im just reminded of what they are to me..
i dont get how they do it..
but it seems that i'll forever love their songs..

love.. its unexplainable..

i had fun today.. for two whole hours..
because of this one song..
and some time last week when i felt like my world had nothing..
for five minutes.. i had myself saying how much i loved my life..
(something i worked hard to deny..)

stay in..? so i know you'll be safe?..

my job was to listen..
past the words.. deep into the music..
(for the drumbeat, it gets tough to catch at times.. :p)
but at some point the words crept up on me..
n now im here posting it...

Nothing can compare To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me

off n away

Breathe - Greenwheel

I played the fool today
and I can see us vanishing into the crowd
longing for home again,
but home is a feeling I've buried in you

(Chorus)
I'm alright.
I'm alright.
it only hurts
when I breathe

I can't ask for things to be still again
and I can't ask for you
to offer the world through your eyes
longing for home again,
but home is a feeling I've buried in you

I'm alright.
I'm alright.
it only hurts
when I breathe

My window through which nothing hides
and everything sings
I'm counting the signs
and cursing the miles in between

but home is a feeling I've buried in you
that I've buried in you

---

I know this is an old song, but i just downloaded it..
n I cant believe how beautiful it is..
I think this is the first time ive heard this song in this version..
that is, by Greenwheel instead of by Mellisa Ethridge or Faith Hill.
Dam them.. This is way better..
(maybe its just me responding to male voices better =p)

but i swear..
its just so beautiful..
the voice just seems to hurt alot more when he sings it..

i found the lyrics where ppl where discussing its meaning..
now tat was tough to get through..
its interesting though.. seeing wat they came up with based on the lyrics.. n ofcourse.. their own feelings..

dealin wit the devil

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

-Pablo Neruda

thnx elly.

---

i've made a deal with myself..

few more months to go though..

dam.

oh dont you know it

he'll only ever really love one woman
n she passed away years ago
now hes jus looking to stay entertained
keep from being bored

---

you look so sad id
id give anything to be that miserable
coz if i remember correctly thats
what it feels like to be in love

---

no one wud care to hear why..
even if they did i wudnt know how to put it..
until now my love for the night has not died..
i wish i cud spend my life in the night..

---

He's fought and he's fallen

She'll take him to the brink of deliverance
Show him that much

So he falls in love to feel that he's falling
She'll let him know his heart

Oh, don't you know it

messed up

I Still - Backstreet Boys

Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?

No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go

I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

Now look at me
Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
Yeah, I'm stuck in a moment
That wasn't meant to last (to last)

I've tried to fight it
Can't deny it
You don't even know

That I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you

No, no
I wish I could find you
Just like you found me
Then I would never let you go

(need you, care about you)
Though everything's been said and done (yeah)
I still feel you (I still feel you)
Like I'm right beside you (like I'm right inside you)
But still no (still no word) word from you

---

the only guy whos ever loved me..
n suddenly i wasnt good enough..

---

i still.. love this song.

---

you only ever get one chance
at everything

---

it only gets harder
n harder..

---

what i wudnt do..
to hear everything again..

wud u like some of my apple pie?

yesterday,

i lost someone

one of my greatest source of comfort in recent times

a companion wen der was none (which is.. always.)

a friendly smile wen im down (which is also.. always.)

a ear for the verbal diarrhoea

a remedy for the wounded, broken being..

someone the mind turned to frequently.. tho never admitting it, caused by the habitude of the constant uplifts provided..


n den der was the promise.
(will it be kept?)

maybe missed, not so much because it was needed..
nor necessary..
but because of the feeling u get
wen one gets dumped
(pushed aside.. for more important things..)

once again

an insight into my dirty lil life

GODDAMMIT I cant Stand this anymore!!!

I have

FOUR bites on my right arm!

TWO on my left hand

TWO on the right thigh (make tat THREE! wtf! Did it just GROW der since i last Looked!)

TWO on my right leg

n ONE bloody stinking red bite on my right FOOT!

NOT to mention the number of SCARS i have from the PREVIOUS BITES!
N THIS has been going on for QUite a While now thankyouverymuch!

I Have HAD IT!

I AM ITCHING!

I have come to the conclusion that there are BUGS biting me probably SOMEWHERE in my Room!
(it took me a while coz i did want to believe that i was dying.. hmmmm..)

Its all my PARENTS fault!
They never wish me not to have the BEG BUGS bite at night!
argh!!!!

I had my bed sheet changed n STILL there were bites!
MUMMY says theyre IN THE BED!

IVE been thinking it CUD be the comforter, which i havent been washing all that often..
(coz i usually sleep till ders no sun to dry my dearest..)

My DAD wud Love for it to be the Curtains which i pretty much dun clean!

WELL TATS IT!

I changed my bedsheet once again! (to another lovely yellow one! Ahhhh!)
I have WASHED my beloved comfy.
N i Took down the damn curtains for washing! (tho tat means i wont be able to eliminate the cause..)
I WILL SLEEP IN PEACE TONIGHT!

I WILL!

DIE BUGS.. DIE!

proof of the heartbreak

am i not still the same person i was?
if i have not changed..
what has?

do you not see me?
(yes, you do..)
does it not jolt you?
does it not.. move you?
it doesnt..
do you not, now.. need..

i have not changed
then, what is it?

it is you..
you lie..
to yourself.
or is it jus
to me..

---

i see you've got it back..
wat was it now..
ur.. self?..
me?
*laughs..*
i lost me without knowing..
n den i knew.. but it was gone..
me..
it'll be a while..

white knight

no where to run
no where to hide

i cud write a song!

hi guys.

i've realised that there are alot of people in this world

happy chinese new year!

5 days of new year.
slept in living room
shared mattress with brother (ew, i know..)

atleast, theres the air-con n all..
n the living room is the Best room in the house!
so big n spacious! n comfy! haha!
n the red curtains jus block all the light out!

prob was..
there was no room for me to go
no room to be alone in..
no room to cry in..

i love my ol' house
its.. comfortable..
n at nights..
its beautiful..
u know how i love the night..
the dark..
to be alone in..
here in this house.. my room in dirty old kl?
theres nothin to look out at..
the comfort is in the room itself.. at night..
but back in my old house..
the comfort is everywhere..
u can look out n see the garden.. the trees.. the sky.. the houses..
the stars..
the night.
..
if only there werent all that people in the house..
hmm..
i cud jus cry every night..
(even the living room had my brother in it! so i cudnt even be alone there! dam..)

some are like u,
some are not..

---

i cant stand people..
i cant stand them..
my life..
what my life is supposed to be about..
surrounded by all of them..
i cant be around them anymore..
cant be one of them..
but if i run away..
i am nothing.
it is not my life..
it is theirs..
i cant live their life..
leeching..
the expectations..
the norm..
the strive..
i am me.. n i am nothing now..
i cant be a part of them..
i will run away
n be nothing away from them..
but still..
a nothing..