aside

need to talk to someone ok.

but nothing to say.

so much n nothing
n no one.

too tired of all this

i just cant deal with it ok.

i know im ending it

but i cant deal.

too tired of all the in betweens.
been stuck.
delegated.

too tired of the missing, again.

too tired of doing it coz its way too draining
being the one.
the stupid one.
n havin to listen to things that arent true
arent real
or being able to see n tell the difference.

not a game.
not to me.

tired of being made to deal with things
i ran away from
bcoz i knew i cant.

you dont get to put strings on me..


why is it so hard for you to see that its not so easy
not so simple
not so trivial
not just a game a toy a temporary plaything.

or come right out n say it.


n that you dont have too many choices.
just two.
or none.


ive got my answer.
*guess the novelty's worn off.
lucky, lucky you...*


too dam long.
*n to think that you were the one who asked me to go away
all those times
n now.......... ?*

(...)

i think ive changed roles with too many ppl in my life.
now im the nociphiliac

if you're tired
maybe you should have figured it out.
this is why.
that is why.
u'll see.
soon n n den some.

always always some.

coz this is what its like.

have you figured That out?..


P.S.
fooking stupid.
fooked the exam.
dun giv a dam / (give alot of dams)
probably fook the next few seeing as how im not studying.

P.P.S
fooking throat.

gonna do what you make me do


P.P.P.S.
remember the 'incase i dont see you before's..?
ive figured it out.

sick

I'm Sick!

:'(

sigh.
Usually i have (wat i think is) a pretty good immune system.
something i pride myself on.
Hardly ever fall sick.
None or maybe once a year.

So i guess seeing as how the Year is ending already
my body thought it would be time for me to get my annual flu or watever.
sigh.

365 days n you pick 2 days before my Exam to fall sick!
:'(

headache
fever
sorethroat
thirst
nausea
general malaise..

cant study..
or atleast.. very uncomfortable.. :(

n i usually never see a doctor for this kinda things (ironic isnt it)
usually i just sleep it off n it goes away by itself.
but now i cant afford to sleep!

sigh.

Also,
it is 4.35pm n ive yet to have my breakfast / lunch / tea
(woke b4 9 btw.)

Hungry.

:(

k.
gonna go decide btwn studyin or sleepin..
:(

afterall

ok. just wasted alot of time

1) sleeping
2) checking out stupid csu stuff
3) checking out stupid blog stuff (i still havnt moved all my old stuff. 1 month left. n i thought i could just open the page of that month n copy the entire page temporarily. but blogcity only shows summaries for old posts. pfffftbahhh.)
4) doing this, obviously.


Actually still have alot to study dammit what am i doing?

well i guess i'll just cut short my rant to

"I'm mad at you."

liar
pretender
cheater
faker

what am i saying?

gah!

stupid delegator.

whatever.

i deleted you today.

Bet you're tired of me
waiting for the
scraps to fall off of your table
to the ground

one day. one day you'll get tired too.
n not just the temporary exhaustion like now.
but the permanent kind.
n figure out that its not worth it. afterall.

Things you need to know

[NOTE : RETRACTING STATEMENT. Pls check if u give a dam. :p ]



The mid-inguinal point, a point midway between the anterior superior iliac spine and the pubic symphisis. [femoral pulse]

The mid-point of inguinal ligament = mid-point between anterior superior iliac spine and pubic tubercle. [deep inguinal ring]


Now which one does the midclavicular run through again?

[ANS : mid inguinal point. Didnt check that out but from memory, n makes sense.
Changed my mind. I confuse myself too. =/ I think, Mid Point of inguinal ligament, thats midway btwn ASIS n PT. The one thats more lateral. Also, its different from the one thats for the femoral pulse.. (i rmmbr there were 2 diff things for the 2 definitions, i think shud be these 2.)]
ok. ive confused everyone, n myself enough already. =( (n the stupid worlds confusing me too. :p)

---

Transpyloric plane

An upper transverse line, the transpyloric is located halfway between the jugular notch and the upper border of the symphysis pubis; this indicates the margin of the transpyloric plane, which in most cases cuts through the pylorus, the tips of the ninth costal cartilages and the lower border of the first lumbar vertebra.

Structures crossed

The transpyloric plane is clinically notable because it passes through several important abdominal structures. These include:

• the fundus of the gallbladder
• the neck of the pancreas
• the origins of the superior mesenteric artery and portal vein
• the hila of the kidneys
• the root of the transverse mesocolon
• the duodenojejunal junction
• the 2nd part of the duodenum
• the termination of the spinal cord
• the spleen

So for Murphy's point right.
whats the exact definition?
or atleast the one Our lecturers want, coz ive found a few..

9th rib and midclavicular?
9th rib and linea semilunaris?
subcostal and midclavicular??

bah.
dun care.

[ANS : Found out (from Nilesh n Netters) its 9th costal cartilage and linea semilunaris. (not midclavicular coz the 2 lines are different) n yes costal margin becoz the 9th costal joins it obviously. (cept im too dumb to figure that out. hmm) ]
[its also transpyloric (which is different from 9th rib) but i guess you cant exactly find the transpyloric on a person tat easily, so u go for the 9th costal.]

Ok so check this out.
the trans pyloric plane which lies Above the subcostal line (demarcating the upper 3 quadrants)
runs through the HILUM OF THE KIDNEYS.
BUT the kidneys lie in the LUMBAR regions.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
[i think something about the kidneys lying differently when standing up n lying down or something. or maybe bcoz the ribs are lower at the back. ish. watever. in nettlers too, standing up from front kidneys 11,12. but lying down from side its 9-11. wateva la.]

=/
oh well.
anyways. if they ask the transpyloric question again
the organs you shud name are probably
- fundus of gallbladder
- liver
- pylorus of stomach
- spleen
- neck of pancreas
- hilum of kidneys

but ive edi gotten it twice so i doubt i'll get it again. =/
Bah.

pathetic

No one can understand how im really feeling right now.

(emo-to-the-core msg. hah.)

not even sure i wanna get into it
(n cant afford to)

(then what am i doing here?
i dunno.)


Feel so disappointed...

among many other things.


From 30 to 40 (more than.) notes a day.

right.

im still at 6.

just slacked for no reason.

n slept for no reason.
several times.


I dont understand me

I must have done something wrong.

or why isnt He answering me..

P.S. things i shouldnt have done. (several times over)
theyve had me feeling like crap.
n now theyve left me feeling like crap.

*sunk too far down*

Oh, please help.

Im so sorry im not ****ing Good enough..

northern star

Stones arent working.

at all.

quite the opposite.


...

gonna cry now.

:'(..


*i just thought that you would fix it...
but i guess you cant. always..
n its my fault, expecting you to.
hoping.*

two dots. n perfection will never come.

Starbucks much anticipated Christmas beverages are Back!

For a limited time, favorites such as rich Toffee Nut Latte, delightful Peppermint Mocha and exciting new Praline Mocha are offered in all Starbucks stores.

These beverages continue to remind us of the spirit of celebration to be shared with friends and family during this special time of the year.

now Wake up in the morning to the delicious smell of Roasted Nuts, ....


!!!!!

Now just TELL me that did not crack you up!

Right there!

HAHA.!

(ok. maybe it didnt. pffft.)

---

Today while i was out,

the lights (where i was at) busted twice!

n Both times they went off with this loud 'Pop' sound

coz one of the lights fused n exploded or something

n the poor guy sitting under the light

freaked out.

Both times.

haha.

By the second time i was like

Maaybe its time you Moved away from the light, dude.

Stay away from the light!!


~ MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!~

---

Got bunch of stuff, mostly clothes, mostly Yellow! this year.

Also,

got a Labrador!(ite) :p

its a kinda stone.

as earrings.

Its supposed to help me concentrate
n persevere
n for procrastinators! (i so fit the bill)

n i shall choose to believe in it in this critical one week.

(tho technically so far it hasnt worked yet, as im still here, slacking.)

Its also supposed to
"provide quick relief from anxiety, hopelessness and depression, replacing them with enthusiasm, self-confidence and inspiration."

which is funny considering i cried while havin them on.

well, maybe they helped end the tears fast?

you never know.

Anyways whatever it is

considering i need this. ahem.

I shall be havin em on for the next 2 weeks.

Need all the help i can get. ;)

(altho i wont be able to wear them for my practical, coz theyre dangly, n we're not supposed to have things that might fall in the patients faces.)

{which actually reminds me that i need to go get pen-torches before the exam, someone Please remind me. pffft.}

What great timing for the gift huh.

altho, i could always have done with it earlier. :p

oh well.
be happy with what you can get.

-

Gonna go make the earrings powers come true now.

P.S. If you can say it, then you're right. You're not.

P.P.S. Oh I Managed to chance by the babies presents today on my way back for dinner! Wheee. :p I (really quite) like atleast one of them. N so far the adults liked the other. hehheh.

P.P.P.S. Can i go to sleep without having studied?
sigh..

P.P.P.P.S. Why is it so hard for ppl to understand that just because Christmas isnt a big deal to them, doesnt mean its not to me.
(I expected more from you.
You weren't there for me today. (tho you always say i am for you.)
n then you brushed off the importance i place on Christmas.)

note for self

Please ignore.

ty.

note for self.
bcoz msn nick ran out of space.
pffft.

-

0/(4+8+5+3)

6/29

10/26

22/47 (oh. shit. -_-")

-

19/27

15/35

13/23

-

11/34

18/36

_/__

-

Sun : 9

Mon : 3
Tue : 10
Wed : 8
Thu : 2, 6, 2
Fri : 5
Sat : 5, 10
Sun : 2, 4

Mon : 6
Tue : 6

Wed : /20, /23 , /16, /25
Thu : /20, /10
Fri : /8, /26
Sat : /23, /18


Basically = ****d -_-"

not a good day study wise.

n more n more n more.


*close to tears*

tho it sounds so lame.


just spent the last few hours talking to fam.

not bout anything important or good.


i find that i cry alot in front of my parents nowadays.

nowadays meaning in the last couple years.

n before tat i almost never did.

most of the time i dont even know why.

just the sense of everything being unfair n wrong.

not like they ever know why.

its extremely stupid and embarassing.

but anyways thats all for another day.


today i got a hug from someone.

which was completely insignificant.

except for the fact that it was a hug 2 and a 1/2 years in the making.
:)

but thats a short story i cant afford to tell right now.


just talking because

right now
i cant study no matter where i go.


gonna go attempt it anyways.

sigh.


P.S. my family would never understand if i fail this.
(but neither would i)
n i dont want to.
because i shouldnt have to.
i shouldnt.

sinner

n now another one because

goddammit im so stupid.


but in the split seconds
ive passed the shouting stage

coz now im at the .................................

yea.

wateverthefook.

not like i didnt know what i was doing.

you know that its all lies right?
lies?
all of them.
especially KNOWING what you ALREADY know.
(see, atleast you know. i didnt)
yea.
n still you choose to believe them.
or say them.

hah.

oh well.
theyre all the same.

sigh.

im in trouble.

self torture is dam good for you man.
puts things way waaaay into perspective.
so much easier for me not to lie.

doesnt fix my life.
or help.
(we all know what does. (or i do atleast))
but atleast some things get much easier.

n who cares about what i need.
i know what i need.
but its not like you're gonna fix it.
so why bother lying.
or are words, lying words, just the norm for you.
(oh yea, they are. i forget.)

right.
my soul is black now.
n im ****ed.

maybe im being punished for sinning.

yea.
thats it.

P.S.
so now you get to beat me.
because all you ever want is an end.
n now that theres one.
it isnt that hard to hold on.

i know im stupid.

p.p.s.
n who will ever know what i really really want.
because its got nothing to do with what i do or say.

you pour out all the oil floating on top
so that you can enjoy the curry.

P.S.

women are the greatest inventors of self torture.

i would know.


oh yea so this is what i would/might put here.
if i didnt already do it so often.
have a look.
(eventho i know you wont.)


got off the phone not too long ago with someone.

it was a good one this time huh?


anyways, i forgot what i wanted to say.

did very little studying today.

lots of distractions as you can see.
n den i just didnt do it.

im running and planning this thing wrongly.
i know that.
i wont be able to do it in the end but
...
yea.
so whatever.

i dont want to flunk this.
really dont want to.

n i wish this was one of those where you can just screw it
coz sometimes you just cant do it.
but, no such luxury.

im trying my best.
no, i guess not really.
need to do better.
just dont know how.

n the worse is that however little you read doesnt even go in right?

anyways. somethings wrong with the mood today.
i think it was all the slackin at the begining bcoz i tot it was ok.
n den tat led to the moodiness when you realise it isnt after all.
riiiiiight.
like, so smart right?
hmm.


yea anyways
so
i figured out why i cant/cudnt study
this time around.
i figured out what my carrot was.

but i cant fix it.
so
here i am.


yes n well.

basically
im ****ed.
very much so.

watever.


oh yea so
btw
i see you've fixed it for someone.
but not for me.
even tho it hurt me and no one else.
even tho you promised to.
even tho it was the least you could have done.
(not that i care anyways)


(n i thought you were him,
eventho i knew it wasnt.
guess i was hoping. still)

like i said.
an eternity.


gonna go for a bout of self torture now.

i dont know why.

just because im a woman (girl / female, whatever)

n im stupid.

(not that theres any correlation there.)


P.S. i wish there was a way.

E

E (the dam entertainment channel) is bloody addictive dammit!

n tonight theres Harry Potter on.

Agh!

been distracted by shows every night hmm.

Lots of things tend to become interesting when you're supposed to be studying.

example, i actually watched Alien last night.

-_-"

ok crap. up for 4-5hrs, need to get kicking.
see ya.


P.S. Shit. Cant shop. super sad. :(
Whos gonna buy me what i want!?? :(
Cant even shop online!
:'(
Aft exam no more sale ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd! :'(:'(:'(


sniff. you dont care bout me.
sniff sniff.

-

ok.
Harry Potter is really taking up my time now.
shit.

cant stop watching. :(

ok so
everytime i have a good streak i ruin it by slackin.
over slackin.
altho. technically i dont even have good streaks.

goddammit.

stupid potter.

ok. guess i'll have dinner now jus so ive an excuse to watch.
:(

-

heartbroken over some stuff. hm.

sigh.

n yet im ok.

haih.

-

watching potter is very annoying.
coz everytime i see it, its like they ruin the dam book man.
why cant they do it properly???
n i seriously Seriously Hate stupid dumbledore.

watching potter with me is probably very annoying too.
coz i cant stop blabbing about how annoying it is.
haha.

darnnit.
i REALLY need to go shopping
den i'll come back n feel guilty n really study.
:(

sighhhhh.

dammit

Studying is a royal pain in the you-know-where.

Am officially flunking / unable to finish studying.

(shit. this is not good.)

n still so bored n unwilling to get my you-know-what moving.

goddammit.

big picture

pretending (that its just)

you and me

and all of the people

with nothing to do

and nothing to lose

-

you shouldn't give me permission to fail.

no ones giving you permission to fail.

oh ya thats right.

-

i tot i saw a yellow puddy cat

i did i did!

i didnt!

-

You know how i said i need to cover 20 lectures a day a few days back?

Well, add all the lectures i Have done in the last 3 days n
That doesnt even equal 20.

so.
yea.
you get the picture.

theres something wrong with my quota / target system.

still on yesterdays stuff n i cant finish that.

n by now its way too late to get anywhere near todays stuff.

yea so
how do i do as much as possible now
n still wake up early tmr to do more??

right.

if i break it down for you
Then will you believe me when i tell you im failing?..

.....

i dont get it either.

-

'cept

i do have alot to lose.

down wave will be coming soon.

sigh.

i hate using you...

it makes me feel so shitty n lacking

so lacking.

i hate using you

it makes me feel so wonderful inside.

idiocy / something amazing

*insert complain about time*

*insert complain about nephew*

*insert complain about (non) studying*

7 hrs 2 notes. why again?
i wasnt exactly slacking.

but ok i guess several ppl did waste my time.
an aunty, me/a guy, a baby boy, person i dislike.

dam.

guess change of environment didnt help.

another one tmr, one with coffee this time? (even tho i dont do coffee. hah.)

now wat?

sleep?
shud. cant.

read?
need.

cant finish.
dead dead dead.

hungry.

i give up.
(wat else can i do?)
(try harder)
can only see how it goes.

(n gettin off blog is one of em.)

gd nite.

P.S. i really am hungry.

P.P.S. Now Seriously!!
Seriously!!?
ONce is Unbelievable n Bad enough
but TWIce?!?
unforgivable.

tsk.

*hugs n kisses*

sigh.

P.P.P.S. *insert another complain bout father n time n people*

btw. just bcoz i put up with some things some times, n do so rather pleasantly or well, depending, doesnt mean that it is ok to go on.
pls stop it.
altho technically i have an argument for that.
if no one tells, who wud know right?
right.
watever.

no i dont know how either.

*i know i'll sleep soon*

*need company*

*i miss you like crazy*


STOP IT LA.

would it have been

When someone gives you something you dont ask for

it might not by necessary to give thanks.
depending.

But if someone gives you something you do ask for

you've gotta.

sigh.

Need to not play my cards.

Next stop will be the opposite.
sigh.
bcoz i was wrong
it wasnt (purely) of your own will
it was my doing..
(unintentional or otherwise)

When the shit hits the fan,

yell oh shit oh shit oh shit

n run.

but remember to keep your face down.

hindsight is a great but useless thing

foresight is wonderful.

so if someone invents a time machine
let me know,

so i can turn hindsight into foresight.


been thinking bout that all night long

if not for months (years) now.

n no, its not the most obvious answer.

oh shit. oh shit. oh shit.

rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions.

P.S. todays gonna be a long long
draining n sucky day
and then still suck some.

sigh.

4

4

things you shouldnt do if you're serious about studying.


like sleep.

when you're not supposed to.


shit.

3

bloggin 3 times today

because 3 times i had to come down n say

i cant study.

sigh.

cant cant cant n i dont know why.

n you cant tell your friends bcoz
they either
dont care
are in the same boat
are doing much better than you but think theyre in the same boat
or really dont care.

but hes right.
if you dont study
theres really nothing anyone else can do about it.

ofcoz there exists in your imagination
a perfect mcdreamy who wud come down n make you study.
but such a someone needs to be drawn with a magic wand n den have life breathed into him.

so.

screwed.

sigh.

with all the slackin
from today on
20 notes need to be done in a day.

right.

n i cant even do 5.

...

this more than sucks.


P.S. i wish
i wish for many things right now
wishes that form in my head all night long
i wish i cud put them down
but i guess i shudnt.


For Gods sake WHY do i Not seem to Understand how ***d i am?
why do i 'know' n 'understand' n 'rationalise'
but am unable to just get it!

ugh
..

Now ty for listening.


P.P.S. i think part of me might be doing this post for a wrong reason. =/
but just maybe.

slacker'in

Utterly bored n cant study.

not good.

Btw, Singapores Idol for Asian Idol (no i had no idea they were doing this until tonight coz its on tv right now) is dam delicious man..
yumm..
rather the good looking dude mmm.

He sang Beautiful day, which is exciting when u realise hes going into it
but
he Is going up against Bono..
n he did it very mellow-y
Didnt do it the rock way like he should have so..
slightly boo to that.
tho his voice was quite nice
just not against Bono la.

So the Malaysian Judge, Paul was right.
he is such a Simon wannabe btw haha.
but yea he said tat he didnt do it rock like like he shud hav.

Oopsie look. Jaclyn Victor up now.
she should be good.
oh yea she was good
but as in.. her voice was great n all
but it wasnt exciting..
so i guess one of the judges said it right, that her voice was great, but she didnt seem to be enjoying her performance.

Oh well.
i guess now it depends on which country has a greater population!
haha..
wait.. that and accessibility to tv n phone n such.. =P

oh bah.
slacked too much.
dammit why cant i study when i need to hmm??

pee.


oh ya n
yumm for the Spore Idol.
crush crush crush
yummmmmmm.

everything

thinking bout

rings and chains
and prezzes
and ice cream and cake
and birthdays

thinking of doors
open or closed.
or locked.

of bed. just one.
lying down and guitar.

night time prowling
with stolen melted refrozen ice cream
untouched.
cake.

shirts.

thinking of opening prezzes.


thinking of you.


so,
cant study.

all the thought and time and energy
willingly
unconditionally
and yet that you couldnt spend.

thoughts that span months.
even now.
(7+ ?)

even the big little things
of decency
is too lazy an excuse to hurt?
not not please, actively leaving it out there to
hurt.

so,
doors open or closed.
or locked.

you have to decide.


(i do mean to be nice)

Also,
thinking of shopping.
must buy bodyglove tops 50% OFF!!! *sob*


in answer to your question,
intent isnt everything
because you inadvertently do it anyways
(to everyone)
tho you never admit intent to yourself or anyone around you.
but your choices and your refusal of choices
and the lies
(the lies of supposed good intent)
end up doing the same.

time for a review?
or not.


P.S.
when he writes everyday,
its like its often, and i can see it coming,

when he writes everyday,
its like an eternity in between.

never hear her

Check out the alternate version of She Says - Howie Day that i stumbled upon!

its the one i had wanted in the first place, the radio version if im not mistaken, but just cudnt find when i was dl-ing the song.

so apparently, the one i have, the acoustic version, is the first, sorta demo version from his first album. While for the 2nd album, he polished up the song with a band.

it was so beautiful when i found it..
n i wasnt sure whether the softer, sadder, acoustic version wudnt fit better in this playlist, but then is was just so beautiful i had to get it.
ahem.
n also because i cant find this version to download anyways.

Also, a link to it here.
God knows why im linking it when its already playing on the sidebar
but oh well.

:p

ok.. been on here for too long. =/

so

so

i havnt studied today.

which is serious, honest, n very very bad.

but i just cudnt so i decided to get to the comp for a bit.

n den i thought i might as well set up my new ipod.

YES!
I am in fact now the happy owner of a Brand new NEW nano!
thanks to my dear brother. =D

so slick n new n small.
lets hope nothing bad happens to it.

ahem.

anyways.
happiness setting up the music in the library.
especially wen it transfers stuff all on its own..
coolnesss.

ok so now for some reason
my itunes has 5 songs more than my usual player. hmm.
too bad no idea how to sync the two. :)

anyways
guess im back to being cool now!
cool!
compulsory gloat :

come on, say it with me!

you know you want to!

kuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllll!

haha.
riiiiiiiiiiight.

ok.
ipod syncing.
hope nothing goes wrong den.

better go have dinner.
n back to studying asap.
or im just gonna die.

btw, note the irony here,
one of the reasons why i cudnt study today
was bcoz i felt like it was all too much
n it cudnt be done.
hmmm.
vicious cycle much?


P.S. thinking of the sweets.
sweets for the sick.
that were a long long time ago.
wow, when was that again?
a really long time ago
yea.

things you need to think about.

when i get the time den.

#*$@%$(@^%#(*@&^(*&^$*#^$&*#^$&#
somethings wrong with the ipod.
fck.

P.S. Ok. fixed.
am severely traumatised now.
severely.
cant study now.
pfffft.

to the one

"here's to all those who used to be his number one. the ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. the ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. the ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. we deserve something, and this is our tribute. here's to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. we listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. we went through the great stage with no fights all over again. we started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. we wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. and when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. here's to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. here's for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn't possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. we trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. we learned to SETTLE for someone who didn't treat us the way we should be treated. here's for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn't see us today. the ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. we just couldn't believe that he could do this to us again. this is for those great ones, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn't bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". this is for the ones that stayed up all night long listening to him whine about an ex friend who cheated on him, and cried during the entire conversation. the ones who hoped he would realize that he deserved better, that he deserved us. when he said that he loved you, but he was in love with her, he didn't mean it. this is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with. this is for us , who somehow managed to get him to forget about her, and get him to tell us that he was in love with us again, only to have him tell us three weeks later that "things were going too fast, he needs time." here's to the ones who couldn't cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. the ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. this is for the ones who couldn't bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." the ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again. we knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. we just wanted the one that we loved like that. here's for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a shit about them. here's for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. here's for us who finally realized that we deserve better. this is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it's better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. when "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. when the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. when he tries coming to your house, don't answer the door. think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the HELL he was. think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn't him, and realized that once again, he hadn't called when he said he was going to. one day, you'll find a guy who's worth all the tears, but he won't make you cry. You may think that you'll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. it's gonna hurt like hell, and it's going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal."

She was right. long but helluva.
(how to resist?)
taken from 4/12/07
http://www.blurty.com/users/hella_quotes

over protected

sigh

erm..

kinda scared n stress n slightly emo bout something right now.

n. one whole wasted day.

this is not good.

in fact.
this is complicated.

shit.

how do you fight for something you dont really really want in the first place??

sighhhhhhh...

(n the complication is not just the fight, but the Why i dont really want it in the first place. dam)


p.s. wasnt talkin bout the exams. cept the wasted day bit.

masochist

can you say

de-lu-sio-nal!

.

also
now i am finding my posts lacking in quality.
tscha!
(yes it took me that long! forgive me but i Do like my own posts!)

.

sigh.

i apologize.

P.S. =)
Couple visitors popped by n made My day too. ;)
Now im awake n can study! heee..
(tho technically i have to be up in 4.5 hrs =/)

P.P.S. Also, isnt it funny that the smallest, most insignificant things can draw ur attention (everytime) n drive u insane!
Somebody help me get rid of it. :)
Still delusional!
(thinks im back to going bout it the wrong way.. (tho there isnt exactly a right way))

But hey, =) for now!

P.P.P.S How do you let someone know you care?

corsage

So ive been good n stayed away from the internet today.

but i didnt stay away from the tv!

Watched House - with the girl who got raped.

If i was a guy i would have wanted to take care of her. ahem.

i have this thing about hurt / wounded people.

Explains (very well) my love for House, the darling.. =p

Have always had this thing, since, very far back.
Put a poor hurting / messed up puppy on tv n im hooked! the poor baby, sighs.. :p
n this is very clear with almost all the characters i obsess over. =p

Not sure if it affects my relationships in real life.
havnt met any poor ol soul with puppy dog eyes n sad face that makes me just wanna hold right then n there yet. ahemm.
(i guess tv people are just better expressors. obviously. :p)
tho the ex kinda turned out to be rather complicated n messed up
but i dont think i knew all that before getting into it.
unless ofcourse it was my subconscious self at work. heh ;p

anyways,
this thing i have going on
is of course very unhealthy for real life.
hmm.

who needs complication!

Also watched The Holiday.

n its kinda surprising that a show i wanted to watch alot, just bcoz, ended up being so.. wonderful.
coz, the reason i wanted to watch it was that the trailer was great. funny n all.
but the show ended up being way way more than that. all the emotional stuff was amazing. n i didnt even see any of that on the trailer.

Jasper,

I think we both know that i need to fall out love with you. It would be nice if you would let me.

Iris.

So i found out that the show was written with the four main actors in mind.
which makes alot of sense coz i thought Cameron Diaz n Jack Black were being very much 'them'.

n by Gosh i swear Jude Law with his glasses, is one of the most attractive sights ive ever seen in my life! (n ive never actually been much of a fan of his..)
*cant get over it*
actually it kinda reminds me of someone else, but i cant remember who..
but omg i swear i found it sooo good looking!....

n also the one with him crying...
uuaaaaaaaarrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
remember the whole 'hurting' thing right?
yea
*cant stand it cant stand it cantstandit!!*


i know you said i should watch it.
tho i already wanted to.
but i think maybe you should watch it again too.
but then again. doesnt really matter, doesnt make a difference, n i guess im not gonna care.


n all that quotes that i could put down.
but i wont.
anyways, they're irrelevant now.

n lil girls with British accents.
So adorable.

Yumm to the men!
so maybe it is a good thing bout where im going next year. (tho im skeptical. trust me.)
Sarah would be so jealous. ;)


Now.
refraining from baring soul.

back to being screwed then.
ugh.

*why is it so hard for you to understand?*

and

to know that everything you've ever shared is gone away


for good

none

dont know how to

......................................

gonna

...............................


screwing

let it be ok


Do i have a choice?

(you always have a choice)

but.........................

please

please God..

everything to lose

A note

that night,

Things i could have held on a little longer..

n then

things i did, and im glad i did.

-

I dreamt of someone else this morning.

not that i am particularly fond of him..

but it was refreshing,
n a relief..

n then i fell asleep
n dreamt of you again.


n it wasnt pretty.

-

so is holding on good?

everytime after it passes
n i feel better about myself..

but everyday is a struggle.


what am i supposed to do when no path is right?

its easy for you to say.
but do you really know how much both ways suck.

n nothing gets better.

n all the pointless words


*i wish you would make it better*
or leave me to it

-

i doubt you noticed.
but i moved stuff.
n hence read.

n i decided that
im stupid.
n i hate you.

sigh.

I've done zero studying.

zero.

........................

more than

a magic bus

n 3 sat on a seat of 2.

i didnt want you to want me to go over there, alone.
and i didnt want you to go over there without me.

and you got up and i did
n we went over.

n we talked about some stuff (particular stuff)
casually, randomly, openly, seriously, just like we always do.
i cant remember the conversation
but i know the topic.

n den you..
'had' to do some stuff..

I exclaimed at your audacity,
we are in a public bus you see. magic, but still.

but you said,
"I cant sleep now"
n i realised it was in reference, and response, to our conversation.

and i registered its sense.
does it sound familiar?
because even after i woke, i registered that it made enough sense to seem correct enough.

*events omitted*

n soon enough it was over
n i reached my home.
too little time, too little time...

and that was the end of that dream.

Den my phone rang, and you called.
n i picked up.
n you told me you dreamt about me.
n after a pause,
in that choking thing i have going on,
because im not talking to you,
i told you that i'd dreamt of you too.

n then i woke up.

-

(rofl...)

i cant do it.
i just cant...

because . .... ....... ... ... ..... .... ....... ....

-

Help.
i need alot of help.

i think its because i havnt done this before..
not like this.

oh sigh.
how isit even possible that im Allowed to go on like this?

it is buckle up or buckle down?

i guess i need to go somewhere tomorrow.
but where? no place to go.

i dont wanna go where im not wanted.

oh shit.

somebody Make me!

-

*ive been dreaming of you every night.*

sinking ship

i guess im just greedy...

sigh....

i know i am.


its getting so so hard to remember.

remember?

greed?

dammit.

greedygreedygreedygreedygreedygreedygreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedy!
ugh.

P.S. I need to stop forgiving myself so easily.
Need. to. study. argh.

P.P.S. Thanks for saying i accommodate you.....

P.P.P.S. Who knows anything about RSS???

die another day

What do you want?

I didnt agree to it oso.

---

Too lazy to talk to you.

-

Do you know what is mooning?

No?

Mooning is the act of displaying one's bare buttocks by removing clothing, e.g. by lowering the back side of one's trousers and underpants, usually bending over, whether also exposing the genitals or not. Mooning is used in some cultures to express protest, scorn, disrespect or provocation but can simply be done for shock value or fun.

HAH!

I didnt know that!

I always thought mooning was.... something else..

hold on a minute.. ya ok.. there.
"he can’t stop mooning over her"

Thats the one!!

v. mooned, moon·ing, moons

v. intr.

1. To wander about or pass time languidly and aimlessly.
2. To yearn or pine as if infatuated.
3. Slang To expose one's buttocks in public as a prank or disrespectful gesture.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooow the world makes sense.
Thank you!

(for some reason my cursor is invisible... =/)


Dreams... n much more.
for another day?

-

If. you. say. so. la.

P.S. I DONT WANT TO!!

P.P.S. I thought i left it behind in high school. I thought, what they said, n we watched it, n they soon got it, n they didnt care. I thought i left it behind in high school. N i thought it was over over when we got here. Bcoz i thought, i thought things were different. They were different. They were different. They were the same. i thought i was home. I guess not. i guess not. i guess .. ..... ... .... ... ...... .. ......

im sorry.

i didnt know i was supposed to care again. whats the point if you have to fake it. if you have to watch your back all the time? i know thats what you think too.

im sorry.

i hope you're happy now.

n what can you possibly possibly say.

Trying to be Reasonable

with an Unreasonable fella,

is

plain

GAH

.

Ankone

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
=DDDDDD

Bcoz my geography is really quite bad,
our curriculum nvr havin put much importance on world geography,
ahem. =p
n me.. you know.. never caring much about that stuff...
ahem

anyways,
since im flying n all nex year
n im checking out related stuff n talking about related things

i thought it was high time i had a proper look at a world map (ahem)
to make sure i got all my things right y'noe..

hehe..
anyways
since i just did that..

I JUST realised
exactly How close id be to the ex next year!

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

(ok fine. not exactly That close, but y'noe, Muuch closer than from way over here. ahem)

anyways.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =P

ahem.

must set out to seeking out ex. ahem.

hehe not like we're gonna meet up or anything.
ish thats scary.

in fact, i doubt i'll even find a trace of him.

haha. long story.

tbc, maybe. =P

P.S. N also to this other dude, but other than that, shit, i actually forgot, i would actually be IN the same Country as erm, the other ex. (-_-")

like a badge

What would you know??!

I dont wanna go!! :'(

-

every past experience leads to the present / future..

if you had not reached that far in the past
you wouldnt reach it as easily in the now, n be able to go further.
(oh shit =/)

you left me with nothing. (melodramatic)

you have everything

n yet you still want more?

-

on certain occasions in your life

you would find that you need to talk to (a particular) somebody

that is a lie.
you do not need to talk to anybody.

you just would like to think so.

ahem. (=p)

(being in a) relationship(s) aside
(coz That you need to talk to that somebody like everyday, regardless of whether its in the sense of you being down or just bcoz you miss the person. ahem. n its not counted bcoz then you also get to so we shall ignore you.)

you would like to think so
bcoz it pleases you to think that you need said person
n that you are hurting without it.

bcoz pain is an indication of weightage
n its something that we (like to) wear like a badge
" hey look! im in pain bcoz of you, Obviously im making you like, matter so much to me loh, so therefore i so deserve you okay!! "

(NB. tho that also means that, on the other hand, lack of pain is a telling indicator)

tho i do acknowledge that the pain is there n it isnt particularly alot of fun

but just think about it
coz, i assure you,
it makes alot of sense.

;)

n in a pre-relationship
(which admittedly has a very wide scope. coz you cud both be almost on the way there (as i still think it shud be), or you could be kao-ing someone who isnt exactly there yet.)
but lets take that you are at the latter.
you do not need to talk to that someone when you are hurting
bcoz its just not gonna serve any purpose
(esp not if you do it in the i need to way)
n it just isnt making you any more attractive, sorry to say.
(which is important if you are currently vying with someone else.)

n in a post-relationship
well, you just dont need to talk. period.
ahem (nudges self)
(unless la it is to settle all the unsettled stuff. if you are lucky enough that they cud be settled)

The dawn is breaking
a light shining through

Heh.
Anyways,
now that its all here n out,
i guess that means i wont be telling my friend
that he shouldnt talk to her.
(esp since he's probably already done it) (scratches head) (sayang la)

but for anyone who might need to know
just think about it.
coz i should know.

You're barely waking
and im tangled up in you

Yeah

(Dude. chill. its just a bunch of random crap.)

Don't stop here.
I've lost my place

Im hungry.
now wheres my burger?

I'm close behind.

There are some things that you just dont forgive.

or let go of.

not so easily anyways
not without enough effort

what makes you think you get to win on every end.

if you think im gonna sit around being happy about it, you've got another thing coming.

:(

shit.

think about it.
what are the things you are expecting me to take.

for your sake.
at my expense.


n on a separate note.

i am currently inexpressibly

angry

stressed

depressed

f-king screwed

all round Pissed Off.

(all read with caps, thank you.)

**** IT LA!

I CANNOT JUST FUNCTION ANY WAY YOU FEEL LIKE LEAVING ME TO.

can you PLEASE for GODS SAKE (and mine)
STOP getting me to DO WORK FOR YOU!

I DONT HAVE TIME FOR IT ANYMORE!

.

12.38

TO-thefcking-MORROW?!

(lol)

3 DAM HOURS

n COME BACK EARLY TOMORROW?!!!?!!

####!!!!


...
sigh...

4.50

slept.
i cannot pee.
pee-ing is bad for me.
it makes me sleep and not study
hmmm.

woke.
am blurrrr.

/ hmmm they replied. at 6-7pm their time.
wait. is that good? that cannot be good. -_-" /

all the negative work energy.
to insert good energy

My niece,
whom i love very much, and who is less than 2 yrs old! (20months!)
(n is the Cutest thing Ever!)
can stroke her mothers hair n go 'sayang...' (among many many other words)
20months!!
i am terribly impressed.
(nevermind how impossibly CUTE it is! =p)

5.10

i have a wasted burger waiting for me (Yummm!)
but its probably all soggy by now (blueehggg)
i shall keep it in the fridge (pffft)
lets hope it toasts well tmr (-_-")

You're cheating la you.

Seriously,
pee-ing is a study hazard.
all blur now.

shit.
screwed. =/

shes a bytch la.
(i know, so am i)

*wailing* failing faiilliiiinggg...

idiot

Angry.

Bcoz i spent most of the day doing crap that ppl asked.

N i come back home late at night, having Not studied,
n still i have to do work for you.

N there i sit for OVER AN HOUR, writing a darn email for you,
and even then im not even angry.

F-ing late, but i go up to de-stress.
N the Moment i come down, you want me to do More work for you.

W-T-F!

DO I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAT I HAVE TO SPEND THE LAST FEW PRECIOUS HOURS OF MY fckd-up STUDY TIME TO DO MINDLESS CRAPPY WORK FOR YOU!

OVER n Over.

IS IT SO HARD TO SEE THAT IVE AN EFFING EXAM THAT IM ABOUT TO FAIL N I NEED EVERY SECOND I HAVE TO WASTE!??

Said hours are very imporant for procrastination ok.

sigh.......................

guessed im stucked at my cursed 2 lectures a day........

is there a politer way to say f-cked?

sighhh..................................


Also,

why do they get such promises and not me?...............

or is it bcoz if they were made to me, you would have broken them anyways, and i wouldnt have believed them either..............

*promises are made to be broken. i figured that out way way long time ago.. dont think ive ever believed in them.*
*the things you want to keep... you'd do it regardless of promises made, or lack thereof.*

*n im always wary of promises made to me... (i watched as you made yours...) they have a habit of breaking around me..*

forever n ever~

what were we missing?

i believe we thought it was all good...

or were we kidding ourselves.

was i?

n you lied just like you know how to. n like they always do.

were you really hiding your 'true self' all those years, only showing a part, n taking a part...

how was it so easy to let go??.....

WHat was I missing??!
(i was always this crazy with you. n all our time.. n all our words.. n our special couch.)
(i know you were crazy bout me too. n all that changed in one night..)

Well, you sure had me fooled.

Yes darling,
Idiot will always be my term of endearment for you..

Yes, n he is rather hot.
n yes of course hes nice.
They always are.
at the begining.
for you..

But you'll be fine.

coz just like the other.

"what u two??"

HOW do you ppl Do it?!

(Oh Shit wow! They're Both hot! Now Seriously!?)


In the end,

I dont think ive said a real 'I miss you' in years n years... (particular exception aside)

since you.

n i dont think i ever will again.


Now seriously,

How do you people Do it??

就这样吧

borrowing style....

那晚，
不是他们几个月来通的第一通电话。。

但是说完了，
女孩只想痛哭一场。。。

*女孩长久的看着男孩电话里的回复。。*

这么容易吗？
(那为什么会拖得那么久..？)

女孩，对自己，也没了话说。。
(一直以来就是这样的。。)

就这样吧。。

P.S. 真的明白的吗？心里的话, 你也听得到吗？

P.P.S. Failing..

祝福着你。。因为心..也是属于你的。。

control freak

You should have..
you'd have liked it.

or maybe its just me.

Me : Do you want the (tv) card back?
She : No no. If i take it i wont sleep. Supposed to sleep.
Me : If you Dont take it back i wont study. =P

Thats how i love you.

~Perhaps the worse is that...........

This is why you shouldnt.

What are you doing to me?...

This is what is easy for you n not for me.

Morris : Even I can see that its not that you went out. Its Who you went out with.

I cant do it.

你不明白吗。。我原谅不了的不只是那一件事。。
你当初离开了我。。我还原谅不了我们那件事。。。

messed up.

That was how i loved you.

tired of it.

addict
i can feel it..

GODDAMMIT WHY do you make me Do this!?

读不下书。

hour spent. this is why i shudnt be blogging.

Rafi Gardet : His penis is so beautiful I just want to knit it a hat.
(ROFLMAO!)