my turn

She Says - Howie Day

Sweet is the sight
of a room
Window open by candlelight
How would you know?
Cold winter on the shore
chills the dress she wore
It's on the floor
Still it feels so warm, today

That's why I'm wondering why
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you
Don't have to run

And when she says she wants
Somebody else
I hope you know
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do

And when she says she wants
Someone to love
I hope you know that
she doesnt mean you
And when she breaks down
and lets you down
I hope you know
She doesnt mean you
Yeah,
No, No...

Swing into flight
Over hills
Over her hills, it's twilight
Yeah, I guess that's right now.
While we're here
Tell me why it's so funny
That you're so funny when you're mad
Cause its mad, so mad

And that's why I'm wondering why
You had to tell me
What's going on in your head
What's wrong
Come around to another time
When you
Don't have to run

And when she says she wants
Somebody else
I hope you know that
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Makes a sound
You never hear her
The way that I do

And when she says she wants
Someone to love
I hope you know that
She doesn't mean you
And when she breaks down and
Lets you down
I hope you know
she doesn't mean you
Yeah, no
she doesnt mean you

Yeah I don't know where
i'm coming from and
I don't know where
i'm coming to and
I don't know what
it means to me and
You don't know what
it means to you
She doesnt mean you.

in my defense

Sometimes i feel just like Cameron.

Cameron is Such an annoying pain in the ass!

...
shit.

Also. Allison Cameron is an awfully odd name.. no?

I am a bad person. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. sigh.

*sad n a little bit messed up*

See the thing you gotta understand is that
most of the time,
if you dont protect yourself,
no one else will.

N right now, i've got no one else.

be wary of ze evil evil monster that is you

The devil in my head tells me to do things.

eviiiiil things.


Ok so i've been trying to be strong n abstain from certain things.

like, cleaning my ear.

I've Always.. i dunno.. enjoyed doing just that. n i mean, really really.
I clean my ear so often that most of the time the cotton bud comes out really clean.
which is rather disappointing.
coz y'noe, u like feeling like u've accomplish something.
Sometimes i do it for a few days in a row, resulting in a completely de-waxed ear,
n sometimes even until it bleeds or hurts when i shower.
But all along its been pretty ok..
never going over board (never reeeeaaallly that is.)

Recently however,
(dont ask me, i've no idea why)
i've had this obsession with it.
clean clean clean clean clean.
ALMOST EVERYDAY!

Everyday i get this urge to clean.
N my ear will start to itch. (which is either psychological, or due to my excessive cleaning)
n because its been going on for about a month or so
i MAKE myself hold out..
but most of the time i can only hold out for a day..
maybe two..
before i get suckered back into sticking a stick in my ear!

clean clean clean clean clean.
sighhh...

why must i be deprived of this pleasure?!

Anyways, its getting really bad..
i think ive bled some
n hurt alot
But i Just Cant seem to Stop!

Look!
It Itches!
Ze Devil is telling me to go swab me ears again!
Again!

Waxy waxy doooodle.

This is baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

2 year anniversary

My mood was haywire today.

up. down. up. down.

until i cant remember which i started with..

though i know which one im at now..

n i wish i wasnt...

but its ok.. i hope..

it'll get back..

as long as i dont sink too far... while im here...


Anyways. just wanted to say.

Its my two year anniversary.

yay.

two years of blogging.

havn't quit yet.

you should see the state of my diary. meh.


I should just go before i messed myself up further...

adieu

lover i dont have to love

Lover I Don't Have To Love - Bettie Serveert

I picked you out
Of a crowd and talked to you.
Said I liked your shoes,
You said, "Thanks, Can I follow you?"

So it's up the stairs,
And out of view. No prying eyes.
I poured some wine.
I asked your name;
You asked the time.

Now it's two o'clock.
The club is closed,
We are up the block.
Your hands are on me,
Pressing hard against your jeans,
Your tongue in my mouth,
Trying to keep the words from coming out,
You didn't care to know
Who else may have been you before.

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a girl who's too sad to give a fuck.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here,
But I'm not sure.
I've got the money
If you've got the time.
He said, "It feels good."
I said "I'll give it a try."

Then my mind went dark,
We both forgot where your car was parked.
Let's just take the train.
I'll meet up with the band in the morning

Bad actors, with bad habits...
Some sad singers, they just play tragic.
And the phone is ringing,
And the van is leaving
Let's just keep touching,
Let's just keep...keep singing

I want a lover I don't have to love,
I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk.
Where's the kid with the chemicals?
I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full.
I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind.

But you, but you...

You write such pretty words,
But life's no storybook.
Love's an excuse to get hurt.
And to hurt.
Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me,
Then hurt me...-

---

Actually this lyrics are from the original version. By Bright Eyes. But i personally prefer Serveerts cover. Feel free to check out Bright Eyes ofcourse.
I kept the lyrics instead of changing em (theres slight adjustments) coz some of the things that were different, i wanted to put in here.

It actually sounds rather cool. n mysterious.. ;)

Anyways. It came from this episode of The OC (ofcourse). Season 3 Episode 18 : The Undertow. Which was kinda rather awesome! :p I actually watched it like.. twice in a row.. :p So many funny moments that i just couldn't fit em all on my msn nick. :p

- Men are driven by a reptilian force. Spread the seed. Spread the seed. Spread the seeed!

Ok so i've been having aLot of Dejavu moments recently. Not the serious kind.. jus slightly..
For instance, the winking that Summer misunderstood as an eye problem. Even the quote above.. i even seem to remember placing it on my nick too.. N the Blade trilogy.. (tho im guessing with Seth. he'd probably watched it in the first season or something..)

- OMG! You didnt have sex at All did you?! Your lips are not chapped, there're no love bites on your neck. Your voice isn't all hoarse from screaming!

Seth (walking in on Sandy n Kirsten) : Oh. Get a room.
Sandy : Aay count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth : I know. I mean get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.

Even some parts of the lyrics of the song i seem to have seen before.. N yet i certainly dont remember searching for it before.

Blablabla. Oh well.

Enjoy the show.

---

Just because a girl isn't tied to some train tracks, doesn't mean she should be ignored.
just because shes not damaged the way you think a damage would be like, doesn't mean shes not carrying around a scar. too.

hornbag

There is a devil living inside my head!

After hours of trying to get down to studying (but obviously not succeeding), i put down the paper, pick my ass off the couch, n say to myself : study! study study study~!

N in my head i can actually hear him say : what is this study?! Go sleep la!

ahhh.. it is not my fault!

there is a devil living inside my head.


"i'm a bag... i'm a hornbag.. wmahahhahahahahahahaaa~"

monday letters

I dont want to see you.


because you've hurt me before.
n you've been hurting me ever since.
(ok fine. not hurting. pissing me off. coz im claiming that you havnt been able to hurt me for years now. look at that.. did you know its been two years now since you left? )

even after i got over you n things got better.

everytime you reached out i was there.
but when i reached out where were you?

even after i stopped letting you push me around
n i stop caring because id had enough of you.

but everytime you asked for me i answered.
because i am that damn nice n i never hated you enough to push you away after what you did to me, when You pushed Me away before anything was even wrong.
but all those very rare times when i reached out, n u couldn't even respond.
it was always me responding to you. everytime. never the other way around.
n when you're not the first person i offer my help to. u resented that didnt you. well, too bad. for a second you forgot youself. its me, you say. but then u remembered didnt you. that You cut Me from your life.

I dont want to see you.
now that you're back.
like i knew you would ask me to.
because its always when you want. when its convenient for you.
(do you really miss me? i wont entertain those questions anymore. coz they dont matter. nothing will.)

but i guess i will tomorrow.
cause i never learned to hate you.
n i never learned to say no.

i dont know how to enjoy myself around you anymore.
i stopped knowing how. because when it was over for me. it was over.
but thats ok. u'll have to figure that one out.

dont worry.
i'll try my best to remember never to reach out to you.

n i thank God.
that i am over you.
that at the very least. u cant hurt me anymore.
coz thats wat being over is all about.

yes i still care.
which is why i'll smile when i see you tomorrow.
n if we're lucky we'll have long chats without any glitches.
but i wont work my ass off to make things run. (i think)
they'll never be the same dear.
but we both already knew that didnt we.

i guess in a way, i am glad you didnt completely forget about us.
sigh.
but you weren't the one that got hurt were you.
everythings exactly where you want it.

shit happens.
i get it.

so i'll see you tomorrow.
n i'll smile.
n i'll care.
n we'll share.
like we used to yet not the same.
n when i leave, you wont be on my mind.
n if you want me again, i might be there.
but i wont be wanting you.


[ Edit : AND u bailed on me again. what a surprise eh. tats ok. no more whining. (i guess you dont deserve all this attention im paying to you.) some other time then.]
[ For some reason, im getting dumped by alot of people. damm.]

validation

I look so goddamn Hot today!

I look so goddamn Hot everyday!

yay!

=Ppppp

Ok, guess what i got yesterday?!

A Tatoo!!! YAY! (too bad me cant upload pics onto comp :( )
Ive ALWAYS wanted a tatoo!!! YAY!!
N those ive gotten so far just Havnt been pleasing enough!
This ones Finally.. almost.. sorta.. oklah-can-be-right. :p
haha.
it just adds to my ultimate hotness today! hahahaaaaa.
tho i do wish it was maybe bigger.. or more of it! :p
Or atLeast! In the Centre! yea.. its kinda off-centre.
(but the tatoo guy was awfully cute! *grins* (shudup elly.))

Anyways. YAY! I need to get me more of those! =)

Ok so sometimes it pisses me off (not really la) coz its not Exactly what i was looking for.
but sometimes it just looks so dam cool (ok not really either haha)
aww u know. a tatoo is jus so AWEsome! :p

Im into this makeover thing right now. (ok not really either. why the fck am i saying all this stuff that i dont mean?!)
so ive done something with my hand. (I need em tatoos! More! More!)
hmmm.. doing stuff to my nails is pointless...
so.. ive gotta do something about my hair next.
HAHA. but i like my hair (cept all its messyness) so the ONLY thing i can do is trim it.
but tat wud compromise its length.. darn.
im not ready to cut my hair yet.
its pretty much past waist length.. but im gonna let it grow somemore i think..
long hair rocks! hahahaaa. (i still remember when a bunch of ppl were trying to get me to keep my hair long. god, was it really tat long ago?)

yea dammit. time fcking flies.

oh so its not 'makeover', but more like, i wan to get my hands Into things right now..
i wanna do stuff.
so theres one thing ive signed up for. (i wonder wen it'll start. n i Hope by god that its not one of the things that'll never happen coz im so tired of myself doing that.)
n i wanna get into em activities. that i got out of previously coz i jus wasnt into doing stuff with ppl. but its still either organising crap activities with n for a bunch of ppl. (eventho then id Finally get to see my crush again! God i havnt talked to him in Ages! Hahah!) or.. something that requires me to have confidence. which i dont. (ALSO eventho this Other guy i have a crush on is there. hahahhahaaaa. but hes a jerk. sniff. i miss him. sniff.)
i am tired of procrastinating. so i shall jus be quiet n see.
ok?
ok.

Anyways. about the hot thing.
yes.
me wan be hot.
lets see.
we'll see.
...
(OMG I CanNOT believe I Ever listened to you u Bastard! U are SO wrong! It SO sucks!)

going to read something to make me happy now.
coz i need to read something that will make me happy. now.

song for the new age

Its perfect.

n I think it cud make a perfect song on a soundtrack.
god knows which one though. Laguna Beach maybe? hahaa..

---

Collide - Dishwalla

When I came here there was more.
Now I've come back to destroy,
And I've got nothing left,
And it's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love,
And it's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
We break.

When the cold comes crashing down,
And the fight lost what it's about.
I could tell that you'd left.
It's a shame what we've become,
When we hurt the ones we love.
It's a place I can not go,
Anymore.

When we collide we lose ourselves.
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake.
When we collide,
When we collide..

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide.

It's a mistake,
When we collide we lose ourselves,
When we collide we break in two,
And as we push and we shove and we hurt the ones we love,
It's a hard mistake,
When we collide,
When we collide.

It's a hard mistake,
When we collide, we break,
We break.

end of the end

The 1st of June.
if you could count. you would know what this day is.
but im guessing. you cant.

This was to be my Rubicon.
but i know i was just kidding myself.
as these few days have clearly proved to me..

but thats ok.
because there cant be a day.
but with time.
n it will come to be.
because there is no other way.

It annoys me that people, being at this age, my age, old enough to know what is socially acceptable n what isn't, are still rather insensitive about certain things..
funny really.
(like, erm, excuse me! i guess i dont really mind, but, should you really have said that?!)
but its ok.
because i like you guys.
n because.. i guess.. i have to admit that i dont hate it that much.

Anyways.
Today requires a special post to mark the special day.
n there was this perfect song.
but instead, i'll post that on tomorrow.
because today is the end.
n that, is the begining. (ok fine, not really. but watever.)

I love all these songs.
n i was debating on 2 which would fit better here.
Both having some words that fit..
but i guess, for the other song, Better Days - Goo Goo Dolls, (go d/l it, or ask me to send you.) only certain words fit, while the others.. well not really huh.
This one however. (N I Do Love the Song! :) )
admittedly, im not sure its a perfect fit.
but whatever.
its nice. :p

which means, hehe, dont blame me, coz i've already admitted that i'm not making promises. :p

---

Angels or Devils - Dishwalla

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna come here tonight
this is the last time - I will fall
into a place that fails us all - inside

And I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
but fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
n are we ever gonna come back down
come around
I'm always gonna worry 'bout the things that could make us cold

This is the last time
that I'm ever gonna give in tonight
are there angels or devils crawling here?
I just want to know what blurs and what is clear - to see

Well I can see the pain in you
and I can see the love in you
and fighting all the demons will take time
it will take time

The angels they burn inside for us
and are we ever
are we ever gonna learn to fly
the devils they burn inside of us
n are we ever gonna come back down - come around
I'm always gonna worry 'bout the things that could break us

If I were to give in - I'd give it up - and then
take a breath - make it deep
cause it might be the last one you get
be the last one
that could make us cold
you know that they could make us cold

I'm always gonna worry about the things that could make us cold

to be wanted

All I was looking for
was a sign that what i said, had meant something.
had helped a little.
or that even if it hadn't, the mere act of wanting to help would have meant something.

yes its odd. n its stupid..
to get upset, as if the whole world was against me, when what this person is facing, is a far far worse nightmare then i could ever understand.

but

its just one of the tiny pieces
of the many that have been thrown my way.

n it came after...

sigh...

im so tired of caring..
of liking..
of thinking that people that i like actually like me back.
even if its just a little. not even in any special way.
of working my plans around you because i thought it wud mean something.
even that tiny little bit.
thought that it was something nice to do.

to remember that you asked me for a favour.
when you yourself forgot that you'd even asked.
to have made little plans about it. thought about. analysed the best way to go about it.
when all that time i spent... it wasn't even anywhere near your mind..
so ironic.
that i walked up.. approached.. cared.
n you had no idea what i was talking about.
reality.
that it hadn't mattered to you in any way..
that you had asked me for a favour.
but that had meant less to you, than it had to me.

is it because i think too highly of myself?
to think that all these 'you's would care.. would like me back?
or is it because i.. cant stop giving you the benefit of the doubt.
that maybe you just might be that nice..

Don't you think i already Know its Stupid.
to Think that you could possibly like me back?
but it doesn't seem to ever stop..
just goes on..
with all of you..

He broke my heart that day.
when he told me he was sad.
Why are you sad?
because i told you i was leaving?...
i know it cant be.. but then why?..
when first i knew it cudn't be, jokingly you grinned n said 'because i wont see you anymore'.
and later came the more heartfelt outpouring of you being sad..
but i didnt ask...

now..
i'm tired of spending these weeks wondering..
wondering whether you like me, just as i like you.
that maybe, you dont want me to go.

and it hurts the most.
not that you dont care.
but that i do.
that just that little inconclusive sign.
a sigh, a look, a line..
already had my mind in whirls..
already had it planning
on how i was going to work my life around yours.
n for wat?
i dont even know.

maybe because
what i need now
is to be the world, to someone,
when all i am is just someone, to the world.

n yes.
i hate myself.
for that day. when i went down.
n actually attempted to put plan into action
actually was gonna maybe, maybe, try to stay.

so that i wont leave. n you cud be with me.

defence mechanisms left up.
yes i told myself just maybe.
but wasn't i stupid enough already.
to do that i had to think
that you cared.
that you wanted me.

who was i to think that?

n yes im tired now.
from all of you.
all of you
i dont care anymore.
i wont think anymore.
even if all those new little signs nag at me that you want to see me again.
no.
i wont care.

if you want. maybe you'll just have to ask straight out.
but guess what?
if you did. i would say no.

because all of you mean nothing to me.

imagine

what its like, when he does?

[edit : this post is about, mainly, 2 different ppl. the identities of which will be kept secret. however, it is not anyone that you might think of. discussion of this post will only compromise it as, feelings can be felt in a broader spectrum than there are words to describe it.] :)