except

...

n den i realize (not for the first time, no) that what we have is not anything special at all,

so, interchangeable, so many copies of which you have with so many someone else's,

n now, so much More you have with them.

(thank God i knew i didnt want to add more of you to my life.)

Bcoz, what, we're "living separate lives".

Sure. Thats what i tell you, n you tell me.

But honestly, it wouldnt come in the way if you didnt let it.
not for me anyways.

But i do now.

As did you.

But THATS NOT THE POINT.

see, i dont WANT it anymore, because you clearly dont so Fine by me now.
why keep fighting.


Nothing special.

except the extra bits that you want.

because no one else will give it to you (now).

I'm sorry but you dont get it. Not because i say this is why we cant n you 'get' that.
that is secondary.

Firstly it is that, you want this, but i want that n you wudnt give me that.
so why in the world do you think that i should give you this then?

like some cheap .....

.

im sure it sounds bad.

but in a way it is.

i want to know that we, that i, am more,
not more than anyone else, no.
just, more than nothing. more than ..... more than what i cannot say (because i protect you, even here, atleast that much).

that i am a person.

to be respected just like all the rest, all the rest who have not given as i have given because i have given up my dignity.
(i have given up my happiness. and a more healthy choice of living)

n words were never enough.

how could words replace fact.
or replace actions.
or feelings.

how could, reducing the frequency be something i should.. be Thankful to you for when the Right frequency is zero.
not that im not thankful.
but that i should commend it? or reward it? with more?

see,
maybe it feels like you can blame me for not 'giving in' to you the occasions when you want it,
but maybe you dont get that for years, you havent had to 'give in' to me, to the part of this that i really want.
not the small, subsets of excuses. not the alternative pathways that i've built to get through this thing that is us.
my want that is vs. your want.
you'll have yours when you give me mine.
that is as fair as fair is.


separately,
sometimes i wish i could delete you from my life.
because you dont know half of the back n forth i do whenever you deign to be a part of it.

because i dont want to be hurt, n hurt in return.

.

n these are my private thoughts.

dont hold it against me if i havent shared them with you.

ty.

...
From sept 30, 2007 :

" George, what will he do? "

" You were jealous?"
" Crazy jealous."

" Except for the hot affairs we'll have twice a year."
" Except that."

" Otherwise the moment just... passes you by..."

But the thing is.. Love just isnt everything.
it isnt enough.
n sometimes, it isnt even anything at all.