=)

=)

if i accept this,

it just means ive lost respect for who you are..

except

...

n den i realize (not for the first time, no) that what we have is not anything special at all,

so, interchangeable, so many copies of which you have with so many someone else's,

n now, so much More you have with them.

(thank God i knew i didnt want to add more of you to my life.)

Bcoz, what, we're "living separate lives".

Sure. Thats what i tell you, n you tell me.

But honestly, it wouldnt come in the way if you didnt let it.
not for me anyways.

But i do now.

As did you.

But THATS NOT THE POINT.

see, i dont WANT it anymore, because you clearly dont so Fine by me now.
why keep fighting.


Nothing special.

except the extra bits that you want.

because no one else will give it to you (now).

I'm sorry but you dont get it. Not because i say this is why we cant n you 'get' that.
that is secondary.

Firstly it is that, you want this, but i want that n you wudnt give me that.
so why in the world do you think that i should give you this then?

like some cheap .....

.

im sure it sounds bad.

but in a way it is.

i want to know that we, that i, am more,
not more than anyone else, no.
just, more than nothing. more than ..... more than what i cannot say (because i protect you, even here, atleast that much).

that i am a person.

to be respected just like all the rest, all the rest who have not given as i have given because i have given up my dignity.
(i have given up my happiness. and a more healthy choice of living)

n words were never enough.

how could words replace fact.
or replace actions.
or feelings.

how could, reducing the frequency be something i should.. be Thankful to you for when the Right frequency is zero.
not that im not thankful.
but that i should commend it? or reward it? with more?

see,
maybe it feels like you can blame me for not 'giving in' to you the occasions when you want it,
but maybe you dont get that for years, you havent had to 'give in' to me, to the part of this that i really want.
not the small, subsets of excuses. not the alternative pathways that i've built to get through this thing that is us.
my want that is vs. your want.
you'll have yours when you give me mine.
that is as fair as fair is.


separately,
sometimes i wish i could delete you from my life.
because you dont know half of the back n forth i do whenever you deign to be a part of it.

because i dont want to be hurt, n hurt in return.

.

n these are my private thoughts.

dont hold it against me if i havent shared them with you.

ty.

...
From sept 30, 2007 :

" George, what will he do? "

" You were jealous?"
" Crazy jealous."

" Except for the hot affairs we'll have twice a year."
" Except that."

" Otherwise the moment just... passes you by..."

But the thing is.. Love just isnt everything.
it isnt enough.
n sometimes, it isnt even anything at all.

no i wont be there for you

Ramblings :

Hah! I Told you it was Lifehouse! Just because i dont recognise the song, how can i not recognise that sexy voice~ :)

.

// Did you know, that our songs' actually made the top 5?
cool huh.
or, twisted. hmm. //

.

Another heartbreak song. How do they liveeee with themselves???

(<-----)

.

N den we finds Everwood.

(n the boy)

both heartbreak.

just watching the video, i can Tell that this is a heartbreak show.

it annoys me.

.

Dam its a loooong time since i've felt this way.
hm.

.

Set to watch the pilot before i sleep tonight.

.

yea.

i reeaally dont think i should have (wanted you so much that ive) done that.

try.

.

Walking into heartbreak territory.

:)


(8) All this time is passing by
I think it's time to just move on~

no new moons for you

(on one of the few times that i can realize it..)

I'm better than that, come on~ (like duh, and insert eye-rolling.. *tongue*)

I can vaguely (probably not just vaguely) remember what it used to be like, n how its better now, isnt it.

Empty, dreary, nothingness?
but thats nothing new. nothing out of the ordinary, unusual, unexpected.

Probably more dull, than bleak.

Dull is.. do-able.
Dull is not extraordinary.

Dull must be the nothingness i'd begged for from before.


Right now, im wanting control. Struggling for control, planning for it?
But we Know, control or not, outcome is the same, so can i give it up?

So there is nothing out there right now.

That has Got to be better than being able to really really feel.

Like i could before.


so

Wake up.
Smell the fresh air.

Living in nothingness is not something thats never been done before..

=)..

I TEXT YOU YOU NEVER ANSWER!!!!!

*mumblemumblegrumblegrumble*

so much for "always you find me i nvr find you" phTuiiii!!!

(hah)

Also.

it is actually cheaper for me to text an international roaming text from overseas (eg. europe), than it is to text internationally from here (uk).
odd huh.

remind me to save all my international texting for when i travel! haha..

(not that u ever Reply anyways..... sonofa................)



ps. just incase there was any doubt, i was gonna say 'Gun' there, n not, y'noe, anything else. :p

never fully realised how empty my list is, without you..

isn't it just a little bit sad that this is all i have?
count on the fingers of one hand.
n how many to make one?


used used used
all thats ever done.

hmm.

dont you have anything better to give me?

for someone so special...
its so suprising.. so disappointing that this is what you do..

hmm...

not yet..
but one day,
i will get it.
n den maybe so will you..


sure i know now, all will be lost then..
but theres not much that i can do about it..

--

The first step to writing a report is opening a Word doc.

n then Not falling asleep.
that would be a good one.

--

Time.

Time passes us by so quickly.

Already it is almost 9pm.
n i am hungry.
n i have barely written anything for work.

Already i am almost 24 (omG the Horror!)
n what have i done?
what have i accomplished? (failing more n more infact.. hmmm.)
what will i have for my future?

The paths we choose, take, are lead down..
our paths give us different choices, different lives..
each should have their own pros and cons, coz thats the fairness of life isn't it?

Your path, so much you have to give, and put in..
but so so very much you have gained..

n My path?
sure there are things to be gained..
but have i gained anything not temporary? not just ease or the less difficult road..
is there anything i can Take away from this?
How will i come out Better than if i had not gone down this path?
Is there anything that i will obtain here, that i wont lose in several short moments when i return?

So far, i haven't found anything.

Emptiness. Occasional disappointment.

Maybe soon? Maybe the future?
Sure..
Waste the last few years for the future.
Sure, i am hopeful for that.

I dont really believe in picking wrong.
Because all paths (that arent blatanly wrong) should have their own points to make them somewhat equal.
Life takes you down your path.
But until now, I have yet to find the rightness of mine.

...

9pm.

maybe we'll see.

blablabla

"Ah.. But what if when the things that make you happy get ya down?"

well.

dont think u'll even recognise it

but i think (now) that its funny ironic (hmm) that that flashes across my mind sometimes..
oni..
maybe im so far down its not even like that anymore.

Things that arent recognised as the things that make you happy anymore.

but things that you just need to get through, maybe steal a few moments, a few smiles from.
somethings you put up with.

no, not happy.
just, wanting.

hmmm.

thats the difference of time.

dumdidi dum didum

its not the same on the other side.

im saving myself,
if you wudnt save urself, wont you want me to save me too?

its hard..


when my survival instincts are warring with my only-want-to-make-you-happy instincts.


hmm.

not meant to be

its a safe..

safe thing.. this hate..

everything thats stoping me

"you're not good enough, you'll never get what you really want."

sure.

sure.


if i could kill myself now i would.

in a non-worrying sense.

in a peaceful, it'll-be-quiet-now sense.


you cant just fight with just anyone.

you have to have a bond to fight.

if you have that bond, oh, such a great bond.

but u've lost the one that allows you to work it out. make up. really, get to the bottom of it.

then, well. you're fucked, you.

you get to go off n fuck yourself now. sorry for the vulgarity.

n oh look, look what you've done.


sure.

sure.

you suck in this shit world.

nothing new that isit.


this is why we ...

starry starry night

When a guy says "Thats okay, some guys like that kinda girl", they are not one of those guys.

--

When i wanted to write about how, i didnt know how to act when you walked me home

because :

- i have a crush on you.

- in such a complicated, possibly indirect, not necessarily really about you kinda way.

- you have a girlfriend.

- n it is technically through her n my connections with her that i had a chance to know you.

- i cant remember. but Maybe because she was pretty possessive over you. coughcough.


But Why did you have to be an Aquarius!!

--

Also. I cant exactly Call your boyfriend to get him to sort out your mess for you, when you refused to give me his number, can i? kehkehkeh.

Dont worry. i struggle unbelievably against whatever feelings i might have for your boyfriend, in a way you can not possibly ever understand, so that I am probably the safest person around.

:p

Repetition

This is what it looks like from my side..

..........................

well i guess u cant know can you.
.....

(stop it)

only moments in time

yea i miss you.

n stuff too.

blablabla busybusy bla.

is wondering

"In particular, the things that we tend to forget most are the things that we feel do not matter to us. The things that we tend to remember most easily are the things that are important to us - like a special birthday." - patient.co

Aha. See, i didnt make it up. Patient UK agrees as well.

Hah.

---

If i took away sex from our conversations.

What would you talk to me about?