its quiet

its so painful..


but not any of it is even my fault anymore.


so what can you do when uve played no part n no part to play..?

when 'not fair' is like a bubble against a rock at sea..


hurt..

but tats so normal to you..

say goodbye

I found it.

took me quite a bit of trouble..

but finally found the right one..

with the blessed net that got fixed...

HOW TO SAVE A LIFE

Step One : You say we need to talk

Listen


8. Hold still


15. let it go


36. Dont be scared of death

Laugh


18. Talk to Someone

45. Touch

breathe

22. Cry
23. Accept

7. Forgive

Fear
release
Have Faith
surrender

1. Love

86. Open up


11. Remember


99. Say goodbye

Once,
i was having quite an argument with someone in the car..
when the song came on..
n he said, fitting..

yea, fitting..
but the thing is, i think you were only listening to the chorus.
while i was listening to the rest of the words.

would you still have felt the same?


Read it with the song..
Or watch the video.
Its quite beautiful..

its a ring. we'll hang it from a chain.

You thought I was talking bout you but i Wasnt!

Hah! Take That!

or well.. everyone thought/thinks i was i guess.. =/

watever.

Its Not! Hah! HAH!

watever.


Theres something wrong with my internet.
No wait..
First i must tell u..

I've Got my Net BACK again! YAY!
Just got a new one fixed today!
WOOHOO!

so now ive no excuse to not blog?!?
Darn it!

Nope dont worry!
I'm sure i can come up with a good one! or bad.. who cares. =P

yea.. studies..
studies shud do it!
From here henceforth (wait.. somethings wrong with that sentence) I declare that everytime i Do not blog, it is Definitely because i am busy studying.
or pretending to.
which is equally important ofcourse. (if not more so)

ok that settled.

MY NET IS SCREWED UP!
SOB

YES.. the new one that was just fixed...
it was so good atfirst
oh those were the days...
or hours technically..

but now its acting kinda psycho..
selective amnesia!
for some reason it can open some pages but not others!
For one, it cant open ANY blogs. ANY tat i have tried. UGH!
But its completely fine with google, yahoo, friendster, nst, n whatnot.
Bah.
It was fine with gsc for a while.. N den it decided it didnt like gsc after all.
but favours tgv.
wtf!
ugh...

had to trick my way onto a few sites..
for example, came here by going thru my history, n gettin to the admin page.
Yea Tat it allows huh.
God knows if it'll let me post this tho =/
Got on pookpooks blog the same way too!
n managed to open the main page somehow.
heh..
weirdo net.


Oh Look!
Guess what!
In Ur own pool of shit or ur happiness.
U didnt think of me either.
where were u with all the crap ive been going thru?
where were u with This piece of shit?

its ok.
i dont blame you.
im just ranting coz i blamed myself over you.
funny huh.
my own doing i know.


its such a heavy weight...
you think u can deal with it but u cant...
or its just really really tough..

its nothing like theres been before..
its not sadness.. not pain..
just this heavy weight crushing you in..
pulling you down..

sigh..
coz sighings like the only thing u can do.
hah.

its like no matter what you think or dont think..
the weight inside you is jus pulling you down n down.
funny.

only thing tat gets it off.
talking.
bout anything.
renal physiology even.
*laughs*

but i cant do renal alone.

fast running out of things to say..
fast running out of people to say them to.


I got a cheque for a thousand today!!
Tat outta make me happy!
*grins*
for doing nothing mind you.
its a cheque i dont deserve.
but hell, Im not complaining!
Not to the 'management' atleast. haha.

Ive gotta get me a music player. (dam ipod)
TAts something i really need.

I'd like a new phone too!
One with a camera!
Today i took a pic of a couple of mates sleeping in class! (with a frens phone)
BOY was that hilarious!
One of em woke up just as id taken it.
CUDNT STOP LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!

YEP!
Most enjoyable lecture in a while.
HAH.
Completely no idea what the lecturer was mumbling on about.
Much better way to spend my time i tell ya.

See! Now TATS why i need a new phone.
But sigh... Obviously cant afford to get both.
Im gonna get my player. tats decided.
Guess i'll wait a yr n a half for a new phone, for xmas or bday..
not this year probably..
tryin to be a good girl here..

i'll find out in a few weeks if i'll be getting a 2nd cheque..
but i doubt it.
seriously.
screwed up my 2nd chance big time.
cud have done better, but didnt.
sigh...
its getting so late...
HAH! Wont tell u how ive been gettin the cash!
Till Later~ Hahaa!

now if Only i cud figure out what player to get.

n if Only i cud figure out how to cash my cheque.
=P


tell me its a bad dream.
tell me its just a really really bad nightmare.
but i saw the guilty faces.
so clear in my mind.
n i know its not.

you dont wear my chains

I f-ing hate this!
How many times must this happen!?
With how many more people!

Ppl Dont appreciate ur f-king existence
They Dont appreciate the f-ing things u do.

Big or small.

Its ALWays Too f-ing small for their liking!
Too f-ing not enough!
F it la!
Just take it will you!

sigh.......

......
maybe ure right....
ure right....
i was too damn selfish to do a little bit more...
too damn caught up in my own lil pool of shit..

n der was the point with the choice, n i picked me over you..

so ure right..


n how many times
were we guilty of waiting for the other side
to give a lil sign
throw a lil invite
n how many times
were they waiting for us too..


as mere mortals we will never know everything..
n everything of everything..

please understand..

will an apology suffice for now?..


sigh..
im so tired
so tired of life working out like crap..

"you think you have problems?" they say..
yes, my problems are smaller than some,
bigger than others..
no, no, i cant say i have problems anymore...


She told me one..
n she asked me some...
Will i tell her?
Shall i tell her?

i shouldn't...

what will you say?..


3 of my closest friends havnt been much of friends recently..
much of friends for a while now..
maybe 2 i havnt been much of a friend too either..
i was quite some in some..
but maybe deficient in others...
but the 1 i know i have been a friend to...
the only 1 ive been able to turn to for a while now..
stopped being a friend for a while too..
still a friend at some points..
but not being fair n not enough..
but can u really complain?..
yes n no..

but i cant tell you now..
ive gone too much to u while u were gone..
im tired..
i know its ok n all..
but i cant for now..
n not with this..

i've no one left to talk to..

but i shouldn't talk to anyone.

n i shouldnt have anything to talk about...


how empty i am inside..
how much mud is in my head..


Listening : Boston - Augustana


for me, its not about hate..
are you going to hate me forever?..

theres a hole in me..

the story of my life

Do you really think that after suicide, your soul is condemned to hell for eternity?

now now dont get all emo-psychopathic-paranoid on me
its just a question.

i just think that its rather harsh....
although technically if u already believe in hell (not that i do or dont)
den its just a matter of how u view the particular sin right.

coz if u believe, like it is written that you should, that suicide is a mortal sin or the worse sin or watever u call it (sorry, im obviously not well versed with the book)
den you ofcourse would accept that it is equally as bad to take your own life as it is to take say anothers. (or worse maybe, like i said, i dont know.)
den ofcourse said suicide commiter would den belong in the fiery depths that we tend to accept that the rest of them 'evil' do-ers belong.

but as i havnt been led to believe that taking your own life is as bad as the rest
i find it harder to accept that hell is where u'll have to go to after all your troubles
(i mean yea ofcourse u dun get rewarded n stuff, but hold on)
yea for me, its just easier when u think about other sins right.
though hell is kinda a harsh punishment for anyone..
but to believe in a divine being, and/or in the afterlife, it would den be neccesary to accept some sort of heaven, and therefore, some sort of hell as well.
so den it is almost natural to assume that people who have been judge to not belong in the upper class one, get send down to the underground basement.

i mean to take your own life would be after having gone through some shit right.
though ofcourse you shouldnt. n ofcourse its not right. n ofcourse there are better way den it n other ppl can n have done it..
it does happen.
n the deed is done.
n after all that you're stuck in, according to whatshisface, inferno dude, errrr Dante! yes. if i not mistaken,
a tree stump. stuck in your hated form for an eternity. unable to move or do anything.
(no i havnt actually read his piece. it was in poem like form, whatever u call it.. not tat intellectual.(me i mean) though i wud like an abridged version if theres one. anyways. yea, no havnt read. but read a book that was semi based on it n stuff. still completely based on memory n cud be totally wrong ofcourse. the tree stump thing. but u get the picture.)
yea in short, hell. (literally.)
to suffer even more n for forever.
(oo Yup. just checked on it. trees were right. =p. will read more on it later. linked ya.)

den.... like.. wtf right??
but yea.. tats why ure not supposed to do it.

n i guess if i think of it the way i put it just now..
u obviously cant exactly expect to be rewarded for that now can you...

but still. watever it is.
i guess is becoz to me atleast.
suicide, the taking of ones life, it doesnt exactly harm others.
yes i know it does. hurt, pain, guilt, left behind.. but not in the way that ppl are normally banished to hell for y'noe..
At the gates, they dont go like, Y'noe John, Mate, I see here ure a fine dude n all that, never stole, never murdered, never even commited adultery i see! tho u were coming quite the close there weren't ya, ya dog you.. oh but wait.. lookie here.. wats this! U forgot ur mums 47th birthday! U were a whole day late! U broke her heart that day my boy that you did.. sorry friend.. down to hell u go.
(haha.. ok sorry for tat. anyways)
yea back to it
its the taking of your own life. your own.
so to me its like, wtf dude. leave the poor fella alone wont u. its His problem.

but i know thats because i wasnt brought up religiously in the first place.
n that there would be where u'll learn n accept, that your life is not actually Yours.
that its Gods.
n its therefore not yours to take.

messed up huh.

We're put here on earth to live not by choice as far as i can remember..
n when we go is not by choice either.
N when we try to take it in our hands coz we cudnt deal.
coz the hands that were dealt us just werent doin the trick..
we get sucked in n stuck in Another place we didnt want to go to.
why the hell?
what did we Do in the first place for all this to start?
Unasked, uncalled for..
the cursed apple?
n what was it doing in the garden den?
n why were Adam n Eve created?

toys for entertainment?
a test, a chance?

but den how many of u wud opt to not hav life to Begin with.
not that it gets taken away..
but to not have existed. never. to have been nothing at all. not a memory, not a past, not a drifting soul. but a before.
A before-life.

i know ive always thought that was the best deal.


i know.
its what we do in the time between (btwn being placed here n taken away) that matters.
but its still true that we didnt ask to be here.
but ok.
thats done.
we are.
yea fine, we'll do what we can huh.


but back again to the afterlife.
if the whole point of life, is its pain to appreciate the blessings..
den whats a (after)lifetime of pureness in heaven?
whats that?
wont we get tired of the happy?
or are angels immune to such human feelings.

i think a part of me believes in nothingness after life.
as in after we die
we just *poof* become nothing.
ur life runs out n leave ur body.
ur body is empty without a soul, n ur soul isnt whole without a body.
so, nothing.
i personally find that thats a better option.
that after our life that we've been put here to live has run its course
there jus isnt anymore.
n thats that.

what dyu think?

i guess we'll never know huh.
or atleast, never know wen we're in a position to put it down for other mortals to see. =/

Well
I think this article has just condemned me to hell.

Thank God (hopefully!) for Limbo huh.

How To Save A Life - The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life


How did you know?
The story of my life?

Anyone know where i can find the words that were in the video?

Maybe it was the praying.
or lack thereof.

wooooops too late.

16 / 6

I had a feeling i knew this date.
premonition-ish ishy? =P

Maybe it was just the 16 thingy.

Over My Head - The Fray

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm over my...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind


Woooooops.
Too late.