Yes.

.... .., ...... .., .... ..

But did it work?

No.

So,
why bother?..

intermission

Have exam today, now that its way past midnight,
in 9 hours time.

Last night, instead of studying,

i fell asleep.

N dreamt of missing my exam instead.

Hmm..

n it was quite a drama dream, trust me.

Alot of running around,
fighting,
crying,
N even a formal prom like function.
wow.

But anyways,
quite freaky..
freaky...
alot of negative energy n underhanded fighting.
hmmm..

N im screwed now yes..

So..

Not the right time to be tellin ya guys stories..

Gonna see what i can do to salvage my soul!

Check back with you soon..

Wish me luck now!

stop it

Whatever you're doing.

Just, stop it.

Whatever it is.

I dont know what you're doing.

I dont know what i think you're doing.

/i dont have time to figure this out now/

But whatever it is

its hurting..

hurt

hurt

hurting

please.


whatever is happening.

will You please stop it.

fix it.

please

hurt

hurt

hurting.


N pray to God he hears you..

You'll never understand.

n im still looking for you

i dont know how.

i dont know why.


Im still looking for you.

..

I wanna give up.

but you cant give up if thats exactly what youve been doing up till now
n nows the time to face the music.

Ahh.

~.~

You dont know.

What do you know what do you know

what would you know.

so stop thinking it.


i know. i know.

i dont know.

...

i get alot of fake calls / contact at night.

3, 4, 5 am

the computer will zzzZZzz n buzz with interference from phone waves.

But nothing happens.

Im used to it by now.

Every night if its around those ungodly hours.

when apparently im the only one awake.

buzz buzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Its a fake call"

Nothing.

but always, aLways a look from the corner of my eye.

tip of ears straining.

oh shudup.

Why cant whatever the phone waves (if theres such a thing) are doing at this hour just leave me alone.
hmmmmm.

..

Another good reason to go to bed n
Not be awake at such hours.

But.
One must study.

especially when they spend the last few days / weeks / hours
avoiding.

hmmmmmmm.


*Not studying*

..

WHy does my uni enjoy coming up with all these ways to Torture us?
Why?!

How else wud you describe standing for 5 minutes (several times over) in a fake room, with a fake patient, performing a fake exam.
With a Lecturer, Staring you down.
frowning.
BAH.

"We Know we're Stupid we Really dont need all this crap from you to prove it!"

Den come the stupid fake questions that we'll provide fake answers to.
sigh.

The only thing not fake about it is the tension.

No wonder they call it a Mock exam.

..

N now Why am i still not studying?!

coz im faking it.
Bah.

.

Luv me.

.

n he says to her,
he calls you 'darling', 'gorgeous', 'beautiful',
not bcoz he cares about you,
but just so he doesnt mix up your names.

he only calls you at the end of the day.
n he says its not bcoz he doesnt care,
but bcoz yours is the last voice he wants to hear.
but i know his game too.

you should not be displaced to a certain time of the day.
a certain place.
or have it be determined by the availability (or not) of spectators.

sincerity.

4.34

4.34 am.

I am screwed.

screwed screwed screeeewwwweeeeeddd!

N i have a stomachache.

screwed.

=(

another random post

Sometimes i get to wondering..

is this what you want..

if you knew.

...

My blogs the only one i can talk to right now.
Hmm.

...

Is everyone studying?!

i mean, dont bother lying, i'm really not interested.

n im really just talking to myself here.

But anyways, where is everyone den?!

All this lousy studyin..

N why aren't i studying again?
Hmm..

There is nothing on tv right now.
But den again, theres a show on tv i wanna watch.
But i know i shudnt.
Also, thats what ive been doing for the past few hours..
if not the whole day.
or the last few days.
hah.

...

I sleep waaay too much for my own good.
really way too much.

...

The devil is pulling me towards the tv.
really.

...

If im making way too many typos for it to be strictly coincidental / normal
n repeatedly so
does that mean i have some kind of brain lesion?

...

I have watched maybe, 3 episodes of Bleach in my lifetime. ahem.
n that also, not the full episodes.
But 2 of them were the same.
Hello?
Is something wrong here?

...

Ive had pretty cool / fun / drama / scary dreams the past couple days or so..
basically, significant / note worth ones la.
There was a nice on couple days ago,
but as i dont write dem down or anything ive pretty much forgotten them. hmm.
In one of them from this morning, i think i met this dude tho.
haha.
Yes, ive met a guy.
In my dreams.
The guy of my dreams!
Hahaa.. so lame la.
but he was pretty cute.
Oh something bout walking around in a mall like place n him finding me to past out question papers (huh) n us flirting talking n eventually ending with something about phone numbers.
ahem. ahem.
i am so predictable/lame even in my dreams. =P
Now wont that be nice if i cud find a guy like that in real life too. haha.

...

Somebody remind me to move the rest of my posts before end of year!
Considering thats when my finals are n i(should be)'d be too busy to move em den!

or on the other hand id be 'busy studying'
which wud require alot of distractions from studying
n moving posts cud be a form of that.
hmm.

...

I hav a feeling i'll probably blog less this coming week.

...

I dont want the fights.

i dont want the arguments.

i dont want the proving the other wrong
or even the being too tired for that.

...

I am annoyed right now.

sigh.

i dont know why.

...

whiskey or beer?

'Closing time - Semisonic' always makes me emo
dammit.

...

if you knew if you knew if you knew if you knew if you knew if you knew if you knew

help me here.

...

ji mo!

sui neng pei wo?!

sui hui pei wo.
hui. not as in will but as in knows how to.

sui yao pei wo.
yao. without lies, deceit, pretences.
pureness of heart.
is mine?

...

They tell me i shudnt.

...

2.51am.
I watched my show.

Now who else is up at this hour?

...

I want to see you again.


what do You want?

R. I. P.

(back dating post)

My grandma passed away last night..
or early this morning.. not sure..

but i never really knew her so
theres no need to offer condolences.

My parents went up today, probably for the funeral
i didnt though.

I havent seen my grandma in years n years n years..
so maybe this is my last chance for a look at her..
but.. i have stuff to do..
n maybe its not necessary?

im sorry if its bad to you ah ma.
n im sorry i never really knew you.

but im sure you're in a much better place right now
bcoz i dont think your last few years were all that good..
in a way it was kinda sucky that it drag on n on ah ma..
i hope that you were able to achieve / see / hear what you wanted / needed to
in the last few years
coz otherwise it wud all have been for nothing.

My ah ma was about 90..
coz we celebrated her 80th about 10 or so years ago i think..
so that is a good age, no?
I wish you didnt have to suffer during your last years n for so long.
but its over now.
I wonder how you are.

Im not sure what to say to my mum.
But i think she'll be ok..
its not a very nice thing to say..
but i dont think she was that close to my grandma..
but she was still her mother.

But we shall all remember that you led a long life..
n your children will lament not having spent enough time with you, maybe?
i duno.
But we can only hope that you are well now.

N i think you are. :)

I would like to pray for you..
except that i dunno know how..

but thats ok right, ah ma?
you never really did understand this new religion that your kids n their families took up did you? =P

N i'll try my best, not to leave my parents behind..
when i grow up n start having my own life.

Well, not too far behind anyways.

R. I. P.

Hogging my drama

Ok my mind wont concentrate on my work,
so i guess i'll just write this
n get it over with.

...

What do you do when someone you know,
might or might not have a health problem
that might or might not require intervening?

Are you being paranoid?

What do you do?
Do you go ahead n give it a try?
or fall behind n...

Well i guess, if you ignore it,
maybe nothing good will come out of it
but bad things might,
N if you go for it,
bad things might,
but so might good.

might.
who knows if You cud actually do something about it anyways.
but i guess you can always try.

So, ignore : lose - lose
dont ignore : lose - win

Dont ignore seems to be the better choice huh.

Should i be paranoid?
Is it wrong if i were to be paranoid?

Is there anything wrong with being paranoid?

..

N the other thing is,
this Just might stem from hunger.
Hunger for something illegal, unnecessary,
unhealthy.

ahem.

But hmmm..
i think i have come up with a way to do away with that.
;p

sighh...


karma-kenik (geddit?)

...

Oh i had a conversation with a friend today
n we came to the conclusion that my life has Drama. (yea, Sooooo far-fetched huh. (note sarcasm!))
n she was all like, Oh be more like me! No drama!
haha.

Anyways we went thru our list of friends n decided who had drama n who didnt.
N see, this is it.
Basically everyone who had a guy somewhere in their/our lives had drama.
(Or WERE guys themselves. ahemm. =P)
((you're supposed to know im talking bout you!=P))
While the two who didnt,
didnt have guys in their lives.

So, conclusion, quite obviously,
Men bring drama.
(ahahaa im Sure this is Such a revelation. (again, note sarcasm. haha))

But the Sad thing is,
even if you Dont have a boy, Technically In your life.
even if you
avoid
ignore
stay away
ahem.
The fact that they are hovering somewhere in the periphery
is enough to give you drama.

As a very wise friend says,
Pah.

=P

5 minutes

I was bloggin the other day when this song came on,
Lifehouse's Hanging by a Moment
and one of the lines hit me,

There's nothing in the world, that can change my mind.

n i thought it was really funny.
Considering where n When it came from.

ha ha..

n no it wasnt directed at me thankyewverymuch. :p

tho i Love the song loads, but its history gets to me n annoys me.
but just a tinge.
not anymore. =P
hahaa..

---

Hmmm...
i hav forgotten what i wanted to say...
it was all linked to the songs that were playing..
but theyve changed now..
hahaa..

i want to eat chicken
fried chicken.
mmmmmmm kfc.....
but actually, thats not the chicken im craving.
the chicken im craving is back in my hometown.
oddly enough.
haha.

Oh im reading through my notes n it reminds me of something funny...
The past few days, i've been falling asleep in lectures, aLot.
aLOT alot.
like, Alot.
more than usual.
(which is also quite alot. haha. actually no, mostly i zone out instead of falling asleep.)
Anyways, ive been falling asleep like.. every few minutes!
seriously.
Especially yesterday. coz i was SUPER tired n all. as u will remember. =P
N what happened is,
i nod off every few minutes..
n sometimes i try to sit up to Stop nodding off,
but it doesnt help.
n Den i Make myself Listen n Write notes,
coz when ure writing, USUally it help keep u awake n all right.
(i mean, come on! ur Hands are Moving!)
But these few days,
its So bad that
i FALL ASLEEP WHILE WRITING MY NOTES!
Its really hilarious actually.
I'd nod off n wake up n see my writing jus random scribbles all over the place!
Lol.
haha..


Well, it is 12.17 am, and i have work due tomorrow.
MAYbe its about time i started work on it.
ahem.

oh, but food!
it be abeckoning!

Yuuuuuuuuummmmmm.

---

just for 5 minutes..

5 whole minutes..

n den we'll pretend it never happened...

?
...

Addicts annonymous

I really need to sleep.

Tired beyond belief.

Was konked at 7pm. - had to go out.
Was konked at 11pm. - had to stay up.
Was konked at 12pm but cudnt slp, had to get up to do work for dad.
Have been up since.
(its 3.44am)

Have been doing laundry since stupid work was done.

Laundry is taking forever to be done.
sighhhhhh.

u cannot begin to imagine how much that is annoying me right now.
i really do Not have the time for this.

Have been attempting to fix my players.

My Real player plays songs fine, but for some reason refuses to play video files.
I downloaded a Media player to solve That problem but guess what?
My media player cant play Video OR Audio files.
Just perfect.

Just downloaded a DivX codec / player whatever to try to fix this.
Video files STill cant be played by Real, but atleast i can play them with DivX player.
BUT
My uni file, the one that got me panicking and trying to fix this bcoz i have a Mock exam coming up VERY SOON n i NEED to watch my uni Videos!!!
ARGH
stress.
oh ya i havnt finished my sentence.
My uni file, CANT be played by DivX either.

SIGHhhhhhhhhh.

Somebody PLEASE help me PLEASE.

ALSO,
have attempted to fix media player by searching for solutions online.
One semi promising thing that i wanna try (tho i have no idea what im doing)
First step requires me to open IE.
...
n i cant open IE.
(*@&#*(@#^@&*$^*)@&#(@*&#)@*#)*@)#$*)_*#(@&$*()^#$(@&#(@&*#

THERE IS SERIOUSLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY COMPUTER.

IE opens but HANGS!
HANGS DAMMIT!

WHAT has the WORLD come to when you CANT EVEN OPEN INTERNET EXPLORER!

BAH.

> Laundry is done. i think. gonna deal with it.

4.05am.
Laundry is done.
I shall go to bed.

Which brings us back to my Actual problem

This is Not an emo post
it is an semi Angsty one.
semi.
n I am angsty (semi) bcoz I am SLEEP DEPRIVED.
N being SLEEP DEPRIVED can VERY well make one ANGSTY
DONT YOU ALL KNOW THAT!

sigh.

HAVE to be up by 8 tmr! (N its not even for class!!!)

WAS up B4 8 today n was AT SCHOOL till 7pm.
7!
(n i slept at 5am before that!)
With the hours PACKED in btwn ok. PACKED.
No breather. No rest.
(cept the stolen 30minutes where i fell asleep in the library.)
ok fine the no resting thing was exaggerating but SERIOUSLY.
There is SO MUCH to do
So Much to READ
So Much to LEARN
...
S I G H

UP by 8 tmr.
BUSY BUSY BUSY crap BUSY
if i Finish my business early i have to go to uni for PRACTICE for my PRACTICAL.
n if i Finish my business Late i STILL have to go to uni FOR PRACTICAL CLASS!
SOB
n ALL of that is beFORE LECTURES at 4!
S I G H

AND
as i HAVE not STUDIED what i SHOULD have studied these 2 miserable days.
i have EVEN more work piled up to do (which wont get done)
AMONG assignments (that stupid pbl thing i told you about) that are OSO DUE

H O W
H O W!!!

PACKED!

OSO have to be up EARLY (this time by 6.30) on Thursday morning.
n Early on Friday morning.

aih.

oh well thats my life.
gotta get used to it.

*cries*

ok.
im done complaining for now.
am going to embrace bed.

*feeling less angsty*

n like i said!
i apologise for the last post that was rather too emo. but
This was not an EMO post.
this was an Angsty one OK!
OK?!
OK! =)

*smileys do wonders for the world.. =)

Thats all Good night.

Mes be feeling that thiis be not res-pecting mes.
This be hurtin mes, hurtin.
n thiis be show-y off-y.

Needs to do betterrs den thiis.

Find an answer.

my wish for you

i wish i was perfect.

yes.
this is something that plagues me, on n off for a long time..
maybe it comes after everyone, at some point or the other, for any amount of time
i dont know.

but it has been bothering me especially,
recently.

Most of the time if you asked me,
if i wud change something about myself,
id say no.
But if you asked me,
if i am happy with myself,
id say no too.

Sometimes, its really a terrible thing..
going around feeling, seeing so many ppl that are better than you.

it bugs me.

it bugs me when i watch my friends get along better with ppl that i try to get along with.
but just cant seem to do it right.
it bugs me when i see other ppl, have better relationships with ppl i know.
but was never able to forge / maintain such relationships.
it bugs me when i meet people, n i try to get to know them better, try to get along,
but you jump in, n without any effort, manage to win them all over.
n i know that no matter how hard i try, its just never gonna work out in my favour.
im just never gonna be good enough.

it sucks when you look at yourself, n you know all your own flaws.
when you try to please people, try to matter.
but it doesnt work.
when you are told of the mistakes you've made, n are kick out of ppls lives.
when you hurt the people you care about..
all the ways you've gone wrong..

it hurts ok, it hurts.

n i'm sorry..

i wish i was perfect.

i really really do.

but i know im never gonna be able to be good enough for you. any of you.

i know i'm not gonna change..
n i know that every person is their own person for a reason in this world.

but sometimes i hate being such a terrible person.


n i also wish that i didnt whine so much bcoz a perfect person totally wudnt do that.

n btw, this post is an emo post, bcoz this blog,
this whole blog,
is an emo blog.
i'm sorry if you think u've wasted your time.

what you dont know

Something from Postsecret.

if you havent clicked on the link i have in my sidebar, or havent as yet been there yourself,
go check it out.

or maybe its just the emo-ing ppl that can appreciate it?

Anyways, i thought this was great.

Another of those 'life twists' that tend to grab me. hah..

(btw, i hope its ok that im stealing from the site. =/)

~.~.~

10/23/2007

A Lifetime of Secrets

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Friday, October 19, 2007 2:29 AM

Dear Frank-

I was at your book reading at Booksmith on Haight street for A Lifetime of Secrets. It was absolutely wonderful. You signed my book and at that point I had only flipped through the pages.

Well, I sat down to read the book tonight and was overcome with shock, surprise and emotion when I saw my secret. It is written in red sharpie and reads: "I was adopted. I've seen pictures of my birth mother but not of my birth father. I am terrified that he will recognize me on the street one day. Every time I see a guy who looks about 35 I look for common features between us. It didn't used to bother me but somehow it has turned into my greatest fear. I'm only 18 but I'm afraid this will plague me the rest of my life..."

I immediately started to cry. The amazing thing is. I was at your book reading last night with my birth father, Eric (you signed his book to Meghan). I met him last April, and I couldn't be more happy to have met him, and my birth mother. He was the one who told me about your book reading.

Thank you so much.

~.~.~

Why does blogger goddammit Not have an undo option.
or even Underline for crying out loud!?

Argh!


P.S. Oh n the name mentioned there, Meghan, is the exact spelling of the name i want to give my kid. Havent seen it in this spelling since the first source.

if you could see me now

the height of loneliness.

you cud check my msn online list
but no matter whether theres 5 or 20ppl online
there really isnt anyone to talk to.

i know how stupid n get-over-it it sounds. yes.

my phone list.
almost 80 ppl.
i stopped counting at Y.
admittedly there are several repeats for multiple phone numbers.
n crap ones like my decoy no. or some hotlink no.
but not one single person there is to talk to.

most of my friends are having exams too
so i cant even randomly msg them.
n most ppl i know sleep by 12 anyways
while i'm up till 7.
so thats a problem right there huh.

i am going through a phase.

spent too much time with my parents recently
i think.
now im sick of it n just wish i cud get away.
or that they wud atleast, atLeast not hover around.
but thats not gonna happen.

cant wait to get away from parental grasp...
sigh..
yes i know. u tend to regret later n so on
but this is it right this moment.
cant wait to get away.
tho it wont end up the way i want it to


n it sucks feeling this way that i do
desperately searching for someone to talk to
when theres no one there.

~.~.~

Read of atleast 3 ppl talking about having lost themselves,
n needing to find themselves n all.
my self included.
got me thinking..
did i just say that for the cliche?
bcoz it sounded good? n almost right?

but den i realised today
that i really have lost myself these past few years..
n i cant wait to, not find back myself again,
as im sure i would have changed from the person i was,
but to find myself, in the now, the person that i am, or will be when i finally do get myself out of this hole.

or maybe there really is no me after all.
just the different expressions of my intact or not soul..

~.~.~

i wish i didnt have to study.

n yes, again, i know how childish that sounds.

but i shall pretend there are childish,
as well as not so childish,
reasons behind that.

~.~.~

i copied all my old downloaded songs to my playlist.

i have been living on.. 15 or less songs
for the past many many months..

just bcoz most of the time i just feel like listening to my most recent favourites.

guess it was in some ways
sorta time to play the rest
for tonight.

my songs always raise in me
emotions and/or memories that were present when i first played them
ie. when i played them the most.
somewhat separated into my
college / exam days and my
post college / uni days.
but alot of the post college era is kinda mixed up n blended..

alot of them tend to..
annoy me..
im very selective when it comes to my playlist...
but im putting up with it right now..
n its not too bad.
n no im not gonna let you raise up all those feelings in me again.
it was too long ago.

now why am i giving you this crap?

~.~.~

fck responsibilities.

sigh..

n i dont just mean the studying.

i need for random strangers to talk to me.


gonna make myself a sandwich to feel better.

after my picture fades..

I wish i was Mischa Barton.

ok fine.. maybe not all the so-thin-im-a-skeleton bit
(but she Does still look really good in all her clothes!)

n they Did kill her off in the show (stupid dumasses)

but still,

I wanna be Mischa Barton.

sniff.

---

i have alot of random things to blog about..

but i Might not be in the mood for that..
(or all of that anyways)

Suffice to say,
i only started touching my notes yesterday,
as much as one slide, probably.

n today, i studied.
half a lecture.
before i got bored n decided i deserved a break
n subsequently spent 5hrs
spying on random blogs (which shud hav been entered as one of the things im currently into)
watching alot of tv
n now
bloggin.

great.

neways, shall stay up till 7 to catch Greys repeat.
so i have 1 more hour to escape studying.

i am so screwed~
(said like how Dr. Bailey says "you're so stupid~ (Baileys scary) )

---

Oh go check out google!

They have "turned the lights out"!

It is Black!

in support of an energy conservation event held in San Francisco.

Its so pweety now!
Black is pweeetyyy..

wish they wud keep it like that
coz Black really is a really hot colour..

drool.. yummmmm..

(oMG im lusting after a webpage! WtF!)

---

so heres where i'll say what i wanna say..

except i cant think of what to say.

Random thoughts :
- They shud not have fired Isaiah Washington, or rather, i wish they had not. Coz i think Burke is Hawt! Like.. Really hawt! Yuummm.. n u all know how much i wanted him n christina to have lil black korean babies! Tat wud just be waaaaayy too cute! =P
Sigh.. no more hot hot naked Dr. Burke.. (oh well.. atleast I get one more season of him, atleast. :p)

- I wonder how TR Knight kisses the girls in the show. If it were a guy kiss guy in a straight situation they wud find it quite awkward.. n im guessing girl on girl isnt that great either. (for the girls atleast.) So how does He feel kissing the girls? Technically it shud be ewww right? But i guess maybe coz heterosexuality is more prevalent n more commonly perceived as the norm, its easier to be ok with it.. Like, heck what can i do, lets just kiss the girls!
Ellen Degeneres called him Mc. Yummy! N Boy do i agree! ;)

Am very much into All at Once..


7 more weeks..

a sigh..

in relief..
but in fear..

coz its a good thing.. but a bad thing..

coz
it hurts knowing im never gonna know you again..

~.~.~
hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt hurt
dammit.

Also, it is Not a good sign if what you Really want to tell the maid is
i Dont want to talk to you so
please (for Gods sake) dont talk to me.

---

why cant I be Mischa Barton?

Edit :
BAH! STILL have Not studied!
This is BAD! Bad bad bad bad BAAAAAAAD!

Also, house has NO water. NONE. Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!
Can u say IcK?!

N WHY is the maid watching my TV?!
shudnt u be scurrying off somewhere doing some scurrying work?!

n Baah, Its a Recap episode! So here i am wasting my time, hooked to something ive already seen.
but still hooked.

Thats IT! I am Waking up at 10 n Going to Burger King to STUDY! STudy!
yea right.
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...

Bad.

i miss you.

5 darn things

That is not fair. why me?! Hmmm? =P

ONly bcoz im so dam free. ie. trying (not) very hard not to study.

5 things found in my room:

• my yellow bedsheet over my bed
  
• my yellow towel hanging over the chair
  
• all my bday prezzies (except the mayo!) on my (i wish i cud say yellow, but not really..) table!
  
• my dirty laundry.. eww..
  
• n yes, my yellow squishy ball. =P
  

5 things i’ve always wanted to do:

• Scott. ok fine.. i'd settle for a hug..
  
• lie under the stars
  
• dance / learn to dance
  
• get frisky at less conventional places. ahem. u asked.
• experiment in the kitchen (or have the means / resources to)
  

5 things in my bag:

• my notes.. (actually.. my notes have been taken out n placed on my table for the hols, but its as if theyre hiding in my bag anyways, so lets just pretend they are..)
  
• slip for my latest results (which sucked btw)
  
• corrupted thumbdrive
  
• some tissue paper n such that got lost...
  
• one-must-always-be-prepared
  

5 things in my wallet:

• one buck. (i swear!)
  
• ID
  
• lotsa useless cards
  
• even more useless (secret) name cards
  
• my drivers License! (Hah! =P)
  

5 things i am currently into:

• sandwiches! *drool drool stomach grumble*
• black
• The Fray's music
• John Grisham's The Testament (my first Grisham..)
• drawing a blank here.. hols seem to kill everything off me..
  

Oh n since im a believer of letting tags die!
me shall tag no-one..

Done!

Wow. Do you have ANy idea how long That took me...

=_=
i amaze myself at times...

lets see how far we've come

Desire...

its really an odd thing..
i cant understand it..

...

Am currently reading a book
about a vampire
a beautiful one at that.
And the girl he cant keep himself away from.
Funny, seeing as i just blogged about it.
Worlds biggest cliches, i told ya..

...

I dont understand what isit with me.
whats wrong.
(coz something sure is)
You have no idea how lamely i spend my days..
n how i just cant get to studying...

isit the holidays? the extra time on my hands.
isit the long long nights that i stay up..
isit the laziness, the unending boredom..

i dont know what it is but its driving me insane.
n its giving me way too much thoughts that i shouldnt be entertaining..
nevermind being more vulnerable n receptive to erm unhealthy external stimuli.

like the vampire

N not even sure how im gonna cope with all the not studying..

Its thursday..
way too late..
but still cant seem to get myself off my butt..
sighh..

Somebody get me to study!!

...

does she know,
that you can smell his scent..
most strongly through his breath?..

...

lonely..
been especially lonely these past few days..

Doesnt help that my friend,
the one person i still allow myself to admit occasional longings to
(one person, out loud anyways)
has just broken up.
So i can no longer express my own feelings there,
as its time for me to hear his..

...

I think my emo-ness has been on a time schedule, for the past week..

trying to make a record.
accidentally unprecedented. painfully necessary.
ominously, he said, a new start.
trying hard, not to fail.

but he makes it feel like the balls been taken out of my court.
n that makes it all the harder..


seemingly, not far.

don't

Why?

leads to nowhere.


Bcoz?

disappointment.


Yes. Now i remember.

So this is my reminder.
desperately needed.


Like i said to a friend that day,
why dig your own unnecessary grave?

Poop 2

and more poop

...

Today, my library books are due, while im on hol.

N when i went there,

they had closed early.

Right.

...

Today when i went out to the pharm n passed them the receipt of payment,

they call me at my turn n the girl says to me

44.41

n i go for?...

coz im lost.. what are we paying for again?

she looks at me all funny like im stupid or something.

44.41.

n i get that she thinks i said four. like i cudnt hear.

so again im like for?
as in, for what dude.
coz STILL i dont get what this is for.

n again she looks at me like im mentally challenged.

right.
watever.
i get it.
just pay the damn bill who cares.
u'll probably give me something i dont need.
but who cares right.

sigh...

i'm so stupid huh.

44.41 for something im not supposed to use coz its all in my head.

...

Today I finally decide to buy my watch afterall..

eventhough its not of great quality.. scratches n all..
but it is very pretty..

But just as I decide to get it..

I find that it has no second hand.

N the second hand is the reason why i Need a watch in the first place.

For work.

Dam this med school thing.

sighh...

...

Today was filled with loads of poopy ppl.

n loads of poopy things.

dat made me feel alot like poop.


the one good thing about today

was the watch salesguy.

who was the only decent person i met today.

all smiles n jokes.

all polite n obliging.

(tho at some point it felt like he was overdoing the jokes thing..)

but he was very very nice.

n im very grateful for it.

the one decent thing in an otherwise shitfilled day.

Even my dad had to shake his hand at the end of it
coz he was so goddam nice.

Why cant the world be full of people like that?

...

The thing about friends is,
they're always on your side.

Family? They never get it.
never.
you could tell them your whole story,
n they still wont get it.

But friends?
all you have to do is crap to them a little,
n 70% of the time,
they completely agree with you.
(n that just makes you feel good, doesnt it.)

20% of the time, they might see where you are wrong,
but they also see where you're coming from.
N they're on your side anyways.

5% of the time..
they tell you maybe you're not so right after all..
but hey, you're my friend.
i know how you feel.
dont worry about it ok.

n the other 5%?
Well.. we have to allow for us being complete dickheads.
you Really cant expect your friends to be complete dickheads along with you just because you are.
not all the time anyways. =P
now n den, you do need a little kick in the butt.
or maybe just someone sitting there quietly, raising an eyebrow at you.
Until logic n reason kicks in n u apologize for being a bitch.
But they'll still be there for you anyways.

I have had my fair share of being an unreasonable bitch.
(tho i do hope this last episode isnt one of them. coz i swear to god that guy was a dckhead)

This is why adolescents (am i still allowed to be categorized as one? =p) always go on about how
my family never understands me
but my friends totally do.
Coz your friends dont judge like family does.

This is what friends do.

atleast, i think so.


(actually im not even sure i separated them logically. hmmphf. watever.)

today has been a poopy day,
so i apologize if i dont make any sense.

be darlings n be in the 70% n understand whyduncha.

Poop 1

The handsome vampire..

that has to be one of the worlds biggest cliches huh..

that and the 'endearingly beautiful' girl that he always captures,
the one girl that hes in love with.

hah..

...

why is it so wrong

to want a little company from you?

why should i be deprived of such a simple thing?

even if its not a pleasure..

but a little comfort?..

..

i guess because i have tried many times before..

n its only turned out badly..

..

i guess, because i've had my chance..

just like you've had yours...

...

today i met the worlds greatest sonofab*tch.

tho i wonder why someone coined that term
when it seems more an insult of the mother den the sonofa that deserves it.
his mother might be perfectly normal for all anyone knows.

the shit head.

see, you do stupid shitty things n it makes your parents look bad.

dumb puck.

(ok, maybe me over-cursing doesnt reflect very well on My parents den..)

anyways, the stupid dogdam *toot toot* was the Worse doctor i've Ever had the Misfortune to Meet in my Life.
tho, admittedly my life hasnt exactly been particularly long,
but Still.

God.

I've seen doctors who get impatient with their patients.
fine.
Docs who doubt what their patients tell them.
Fine.

But to be so Effing Rude about it!

DogDam!

Who the Hell goes around telling patients its All in your head, and whatever it is is completely self inflicted.
Fuck.
Make up your goddam mind!
If it Is self inflicted (which im not even contesting, coz i know it is.)
den that means something HAS been inflicted you goddam MORON.
DEN HOW CAN IT BE ALL IN MY HEAD.
bloody ***head.

n Den he goes and Prescribes me goddam meds!
Wait the Fck! I Thought it was ALL IN MY HEAD!
Whats the Meds for then!
dumbfck.
n he Didnt even tell me hes prescribing me meds. Moron.
Just went on telling me im stupid n its all in my head.
W T F.

N he Also says that thats Why my other doc doesnt want to see me anymore.

FCK!
HOW EFFING RUDE ARE YOU!

Like im some kinda PSYCHO FCK who derives Pleasure from going around seeing b*stard docs n getting bloody Lectured by them.

NEVERmind that HE is the one that Lectured me about buying meds OTC instead of seeing a doc.
So MAKE up your GODDAM mind.
AM i Supposed to see docs OR NOT?!
Or am i SUPPOSED to come n see you JUST so you can FCK with me and please yourself from it.
N Lets not forget that i Only got the meds bcoz my Other doc told me i should if i needed too.

BLOODY HELL.

CAN U GUYS GODDAM KEEP IT STRAIGHT ALREADY.

psycho drunk dumbass brainless hole.

And you COULD have told me ALL of that and Anything you wanted
WITHOUT Bloody Being so rude about it.
MF.

Oh he went on n on saying
"oh its completely normal, you're completely normal, its all in your head theres nothing wrong with you, Youre doing everything to yourself, I'm telling you I'm a specialist, i'm way more experienced than you you dont know anything so dont argue with me."
MF.
Who cares about arguing with you you bloody fuck.
Youre SUPPOSED to EXPLAIN TO YOUR PATIENTS.


My friend says i shudve stayed my ground n not taken shit from him.
but tats precisely what got me into trouble
my dad started pulling me away n lecturing me about it.
nevermind that i didnt even fight with the brainless fool.
i have a Right to ask him wtf hes talking about when apparently theres nothing wrong with me but theres something wrong that i did to myself.
bah.
not that i even gotta ask anyways.
coz he was being so condescending n rude n all.

Den i go out.
dumbshit.
n suddenly i find out hes told the girl ive to go get meds.
WTH.
WHAT for NOW?!
I TOT THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!

n Den i find out its Anti Fungal Meds!

WAT THE HELL!

FIRST you say i shudnt use Antibiotics coz we dont know if its Bacteria or Fungus.
Den How do You know its Fungus n not Bacteria?!

If you DO KNOW and it IS FUNGUS!
DEN WHY THE FCK ARE U TELLING ME ITS ALL IN MY HEAD!
Damshit.
SO AM I SUPPOSED TO USE THE MEDS NOW OR WHAT?!?

*sob..*
*sniff..*

n ofcourse i had no chance to ask Any of that.
coz Did he tell me what was wrong with my ear?!
Nooooooo~
Did he tell me that i was supposed to use meds?!
Noooooooooooooo~!

CAN you say G A H!!

Stupid Moron never went through med school or something.

Bastards like this are probably the reason why we have Behavioural Sciences classes.
to teach us HOW we're supposed to behave n all.
so we dont turn out as sonsabytches like him.

But i guess he never even Learned any common courtesy.

never ever met a worse doctor than this...
n i really think thats saying alot coz,
as a doc.. you really shudnt behave in any way that makes your patients feel this way about you..


sigh...

dont wanna be so foul and uneducated like him but..

sigh..

if only he didnt make me feel like such crap...

sigh...

...

Its times like these when people make me feel stupid and useless..

that I need you...

But i guess ive to remember that
even if you were here..

you dont do much anyways.

Not anymore.

...

More shit coming right up..

so am I

News!

The Inside of my ear,
is Bloody GREEN in colour!

GREEN for Crying out Loud!

THAT does NOT bode Well!


Now.

to Sit and wait,
or self medicate,
or go see a doc.

Hmmmmmm..

Dilemma dilemma dilemma...


PLUS,

my goddamm Library books,
are due tomorrow.

When i am on hol.

@*#&^@(*&@(*#&(@&$*(#&$

what a bloody nuisance.

---

I know you are on the rebound dear.
but thats ok, so am I.


I see you are a player, aren't you.
but thats ok, so am I.

Oh.

n i found.

I am much too wise for my own good.

Hah.

---

Oh Look!

The protruding flab from just outside the opening of your ear canal is called..

the Tragus!

what an Interesting discovery!


Thank god for wikipedia. =P

collateral

I really appreciate
you helping out the way you did that day.

n i want to thank you.
Thank you properly.

But i am afraid that you will think that i like you.

Because I do.

---

N i check it alot.

I just dont tell you.

or pretend not to.

---

I was pondering this, a while ago.

n have since brought it up with a friend of mine.

Why did I take up medicine?

All that interest and stuff.. yes..
but Still.

Theres nothing That great about it.
Im sure that if i looked around abit, i would be able to find something Else that i wouldnt mind doing.

writing or something, i dunno.
im sure i would suck at that, and maybe im not That interested in writing come to think of it, but hey, I dont think im That into walking around sick beds either!
dogdammit.

Maybe my parents shouldve just let me take up Sociology n Eng lit, like i wanted to.
Save them all that bother now.
God knows where i would have ended up, but hey, i'm sure i couldve found something.

and then i wouldnt have met you.

Im just resenting the fact that theres just gonna be so much work.
well, not the work, but the time taken up.
All that time in med school, slogging or otherwise.
Graduating at 25! God!
(thats depressing... i think i made a mistake...)
and after that what?

Hours upon hours of work.
No life for the next 3 years atleast.
and after that?!
More studying, more work, more being nothing but busy. (yes, i said nothing but. =p)
Whats gonna happen to home life?
How are we even gonna Get there.
N whens the time for us to play?!

when will it be my time to play?

I have always been so sure...
All these issues.. its not like i never thought about them.
I have. a million times.
But i Always, always came back and said, 'but its what i wanna do, and i know it.'

But not now.
who cares about being a doc, theres nothing great about it.

I could find something else.
Something else thats just as fine.

And then.
Then, atleast i'd have a normal life.

Why shouldnt I be allowed to enjoy mine?

*just had a long conversation with bro about this.
surprisingly he actually discussed my options rather seriously.
i would have thought everyone wud have just kicked me and told me t'is too late.
which is pretty much wats on My mind.
LOL
"*insert bros name* says (3:38 AM):
GAH, its 5.37am, i was studying for a test, i spend 1hr talking to u abt wad u like and wad u wanna be ans ITS ALL JUIST A PHASE??????"
HAHA...

aih.. how i know my bro so nice layan me so much dunno for what... =P

So neways.. i exhausted all my energy talking to him about this so...

basically u get the drift.

but no matter what it is, whatever interest i might have that i may dig up,
i doubt that i'll actually have the courage (or passion) to drop my current path, TELL my parents about it, swap courses n so on..
everything else is just a maybe.
anything else i wud want wud probably be quite unconventional.
and eventhough this (my current course) might be a maybe too, its a maybe that i'm already half way on.
(an expensive one it may be~)
once i get off, i can never come back.

so..

unless i find that i hate it after all.
or find something else i can be sure to love.
(n i doubt either one)

I cud never bring myself to get up n leave.
not to mention tell my parents about it.

so.

this is me, here,
stuck.

maybe its not as bad as it sounds.


I sure as hell hope this is a phase.

---

Now that you're gone,

Who else am i gonna turn to to share my profound logic with?


A good thing gone bad, like milk,
or rather mayo, (as ive never liked milk).

n den what will be left?

melancholy much

I wouldn't know what to say, I wouldn't know what to do
If you came back from heaven and I could look at you
Would I fumble for the words, would I be a little shy
Would I bust right out with laughter, or break right down and cry?

Oh, if you came back from heaven, would it be like it was then
Could we just pick up where we left off, and try it all again
Oh, if you came back from heaven, it would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows if he let you go, I'd never send you back

Do your kisses feel the same, do you still have the same touch
Will you whisper softly, that you missed me so much
Have you heard all my prayers when I lay down at night
Did you feel my body when I held your pillow tight

Oh, if you came back from heaven, would it be like it was then
Could we just pick up where we left off, and try it all again
Oh, if you came back from heaven, it would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows if he let you go, I'd never send you back

And if God forbid
You leave this earth again while I sleep
I hope he knows, if you go
You'll be bringing me

Oh, if you came back from heaven, would it be like it was then
Could we just pick up where we left off, and try it all again
Oh, if you came back from heaven, it would freeze me in my tracks
And I hope God knows if he let you go, I'd never send you back…

If you came back from heaven - Lorrie Morgan

Sometimes when you leave, you miss out on alot..

What do you do when someone dies?..


I've been searching for things today that have been long gone.

as if holding on to the past..

but not really.
merely entertainment.

lives intertwined, like fingers during the throes of passion..

so far out of reach, in a small, small world..

Its funny that i know.. intimate stuff about you, when i doubt you know much about me.
I know you once tried to escape.
You are the reason i remember the difference between Panadol and Aspirin.
Its nice knowing that you're good now, better adjusted..
coz all i heard of you were your pits..

i care, because i cared.
because you were a small part of another life.
because i care for a life as a whole.
for all the little bits.

oh well.

n what was i searching for this time?

confirmation of my existence?
of my footprints in the sand..
or grasping for connections so far,
its foolish, even to me. =/

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say that...It's too late to apologize,
it's too late.

Apologize - One Republic (Timbaland remix)

entertainment.

Haven't you realised that everyone you have ever loved,
has only ended up not wanting to have anything to do with you?

Ann, Shu Yee..
Me.

Melancholy much?
Happiness is but a click away.
like porno.


* author apologizes for the sexual references. they are personal. or not personal.. *scratches head..*
they are references to things non-sexual.. n in jest.

Welcome

Hi.

As of yesterday, I am officially 21.

n as of today, I have officially moved..

(why did i find it necessary to insert statement on bday? no idea.)

from old blog, at blog-city.
which will only be around till 31st Dec.

(which is coincidentally the day of my Finals.)

tho technically i havnt moved completely.
n the only difference between now and before,
is that now i'll blog From here.
completely.
n no longer from there.

tho im Still not a fan of blogspot.

hmm.

So, this is once again, a semi-anonymous, no longer private, blog.

Opening.

n Eat it!

THIS is my 300th post!

N it is a GOOD post!

WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

This now coincides with my,
*drumrollllll...*
21st Birthday!!!
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! =D

this was what i planned.. but i thought that it might not work out for several reasons.. the last one being that i wasnt in the mood to blog today.

BUT NOW I AM!!!

*HAPPY!!!*

Today, me n me mummy went SHOPPING!!
bcoz we needed/wanted to go get me my prezzie!

Which is a KEY!!! *HAPPEE*
its a pendant n its supposed to signify independence FREEDOM!
keyword being 'supposed to' ofcourse.

my family isnt exactly into stuff like this n i wudnt have gotten it, (tho i / we knew about such a tradition), if i had not MADE my mummy get it for me! YAY! :p
All thanks to dear Elly, where the whole key joke started.. which build up my very sudden desire to own a KEY! =)
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

See, my mum was gonna get me a watch for my bday.
coz mine, aside from being 7-8 years old, is kinda... MIA.
for the past couple years. -_-"
n well i need one ofcourse.
But i WANTED a key!
Like really really REALLY wanted one!
So thats what i Made her get! =D
coz its My Bday n i get to get what i want! (haha...)

n so i hav been tryin to figure out who i cud ask to get me a watch. coz i wanted one too..
now this here is the good thing about havin 3 older brothers!
But sadly,
Eldest brother getting me Laptop! (WHEEEE!!! SUPER HAPPY TOOOOO!!!!!)
Youngest elder brother not earning as yet so cant get me expensive stuff. N anyways by the time i see him wen hes back for hols, itd be Xmas anyways.
Daddy hardly ever gets me any prezzies.. so i didnt even ask.. coz hes always askin me to ask my mum.
So, all thats left is second bro, coz mummy i had to reserve for my key!
Unfortunately, i think a watch wud have been a Bit too exp a present to ask from me 2nd bro. Oso, they (he n wife) didnt ask me what i want, so.. me cudnt demand prezzies. (I got a blouse btw. Ty! :) )

So today me n mummy go walk..
n the thing is... I found this REally Really nice Watch!!
n me waaaaaaaaaaannn..
In fact I found 2! N i had as yet Not found any real nice lookin watches!
So me was all wanting the watch n stuff.. coz it was pweetty..
but me Knew me Needed to Get the Key! (NEED!)
the watch can be bought any time.
but the Key, has to be this day! =P

SO!
it was like..
you CANT have your cake n EAT it..
so me went n very happily bought me key! :)

n den when daddy saw me key..
daddy was all like..
hmmm... you know where you shudve gone? you shudve gone to Tiffanys. (sweat. my dad is insane like that..)
n he harped on it for a while...
nvmind that my mum had already BOUGHT the key.

he had me go online to search for stuff from Tiffanys n all.
n i thought it was all weird coz... wasnt it a little too late!
n i was like, ' i cant find any of their pics.'
n he went.. ' Oh.. Hmm.... We shall go find you something nice."
Dad : " We'll see if theres something cute.. something nice.. Den we'll go get for u ok."
*gasp!* (can you HEAR the doors opening?!)
Me : "Daddy get me a watch!"
Dad : Ok. When you want to go find?
Me : Actually, i saw a nice one just now..
Dad : How much?
Me : 300 bucks.
Dad : So cheap?! We'll find a nice one then daddy buy for you ok.
Me : THANK YOU DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOL!

N Den i cudnt stop Jumping around, no, HOPPING around saying (to myself ofcourse..)
Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy n
Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy Daddy !!! =D

SO HAPPY OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess.. it must be bcoz its a 21st..
SPECIAL n all.. :)

See! You CAN have your cake AND EAT IT!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...


Sorry this has been a scary post.
but i am DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY! :p

Best Birthday Ever! N its only just starting!
haha..

Heres hoping the rest of the day goes as great as this! :)

Oh, n i'll Even be taking off my P license now! =)

Its alllllllllllllllllllllllllll goooooooooooooooooooooooooooddd...


P.S. This 300th - 21st Birthday post shall mark my last post here, at blog-city. I think.. Shall officially move to my blogspot now.. New posts will be published there instead.. Oh how sad.. Will post another one putting this note up. :)

Love ya all!

if i could

Somethings are heartbreaking...

sigh...

n Some people need to appreciate what they have.

sighh....

Heartbreaking.

Random

Hmm.

Sad. -ness-y

Bad week i think. Like, not so much bad things happening, (tho admittedly there was quite alot of that..) but more of.. alot of bad vibes going about.

It is not nice.


Stop making me feel stupid.
Fine, i do it myself but still..
stop making me feel stupid already.
So i was excited, big deal.


Atleast i dont brush it off.
like you always do.
Atleast i try n i dont brush it off.
Whens the last time you've done that?


Hmm.

Maybe to get good karma / aura / vibes around you you need to bring it on yourself.
Yes i am quite sure that sounds right.

*Gooood auraaaa, come to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...*

sigh.

we'll see we'll see.

Oop! No sigh.
Smiling now! (yea right)


Sorethroat.

Ear acting up again when i havent done anything.
this is bad.

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

But food!
Food is good!

except.........
food is bad for sorethroat.

right.


yea... seriously. alot of bad vibes been going about. (do vibes go about?) to people people people. is something wrong with me? aih. for some reason seems like havnt been doing anything right.


Oh well, maybe i should wash my hair.


P.S. Oh look!
I dreamt bout this guy just now.
Hehee.
fun.


Need to fix things.
fix things fix things.
alot of things.

But how?

your measure

You know you're a failure in life when

other people are getting nostalgic over leaving,
this place where we've been together for the past 2 years..
all the people that you've 'gotten close to' in that time..

but you realise that theres no one that you'll really miss.

I'll miss the friends i've had since college.
It's sad to know that you'll be parting, after 4 years of constant hanging out, bitching, sharing, crapping, n stuff
especially sad when you remember that in this real world.. how many friendships actually survive the space n the distance?
sad when you figure out that these will probably be the last good friends you have before you move into adulthood - the land of we're too old to have friends.
I mean, who else are you going to turn to just to sprout rubbish??

But other than those older friends,
there just isnt anyone that I'll truly miss.

Not because i dont want to.

Just because we never got to be that way.

Because you push away the people that might have tried to care..
N you tried to care for the people who just push you away..

Because you jump around from clique to clique, never really committing yourself, because you couldnt find that perfect match that you lost..
Because you turned to people who hardly give you the time of day.. probably because you just arent good enough.
Because the friends that you Have found... just dont fit. n you Know that all it needs is a little distance, to bring you apart. What would you have left to say?

This is why life sucks.
Why i hate growing up.
Why i dont even want to be alive long enough to see into my future.
Whats so great about the future anyways?

But i guess, you know you're a true failure when you realise,
not that there wont be anyone for you to miss,
but that there wont be anyone who misses you.


To my best friend, from long ago :
When i lost you, Darling, all those years ago.. I knew, even back then, that i would never be able to find another, that would be like you. We were already 'too old' by then. Our best years had gone..
You know how i hate growing up.
N you know, its me. Who else would, not just put up with me? ;)...

broken record

Yea, that's exactly who you are.

a huge jerk.

N that's all you'll ever be.


Tell me something i don't already know.