< Private >

Because i wanna write it down.

Not that today was spectacularly amazing or anything, but theres all these things to work through and sort out.

Like when I called today, and it was Claire i spoke to. (last name found!)
n what i'd expected to be a simple 'this is low and this is low, we are giving such and such, is that ok?', turned out aLot more complicated than i imagined - something i normally look for, but no time to even feel that way today. so, second was that it was a long conversation, but it wasn't with you.

n next was expecting the call back from you as is always the (used to be unexpected) case, but the first one not being you again, with another long conversation about (added injury here) What You Said We Need. - this was ala Deirdre calling up to say You wanted to ask me if my topical route of adm was for eyes or nasal. (well then You ask then.)

n then thankful that it came to the end of the day because Where would i have had time for you.
except what an already shitty time it was with rushing to teaching feeling id left all the jobs behind, coming out early, just looking for handover but all being ambushed on ward for 2nd WR without break, without lunch, n w/o teaching for some.

but worse. not even being able to attend ambushed rounds, bear in mind feeling annoyed/stressed that i needed to know about but was missing the first 2 bays, having only done the 3rd myself in the morning, but doubly ambushed with discharge papers with ridiculous reasons for deadlines; can't believe how long they took me. including the decision to leave the 2nd letter, finally making it to last bay rounds, but then barely a few pts down being sent off to do 2nd letter because oh Now they'll take her if you do this in ten minutes. yea, fat hope.

needless to say, disgruntled. on 2nd paper. missing presenting all the patients i might Actually know a lil something about. finally reached the very last bit, very last, where i get help from 2465, (Mike, nice Mike, but which Mike? Mike i barely know? but how does Mike know me?) ("oh hi" "since its you, i'll just sort it out for you here if it needs it") (its times like these you ? if you really understand their accent) for help with Maths, because 60 by 60 (in numbers and words!) plus 60 by 10, is 70 BD, for 30 days, am i right or am i right?

AND THEN GUESS WHO DECIDES TO SHOW UP.
Right smack in the middle of me just trying to CHECK MY MATHS FOR A SECOND OH COME ON.
How're you doing, trouble. i think. you don't know how much that word aches me.
Have you recovered from whatever was ailing you yesterday. 'i don't know but whatever has happened today has definitely weighed me down proper.' - because all i wanna do is Tell it to you all. like when we said we'd timetable my rant because of the meeting you had to go to.
oh n apparently because someone finally caught me on my crazy rants while walking to and from work. someoneanditwasyou. who was it, the biker who beeped? yesterday.
n you went on about how i was stomping about, probably looking incredibly stupid. n there it was, all these conversations, but i had all these things piled up. (did i mention the many calls from Bereavement (yes dear, where you can deposit your grief dear) about 2 certs because they close at 4! I'm sorry i know i said 2.30 but i was ambushed n i HAVENT EVEN HAD FOOD YET!) but ignore all that because a short while of you is more than all of them. but all i needed to do was for you to hold on one second so i could do my maths. and send. and then all the conversation in the world (for a bit). but that was the break off for you to 'just go see this patient of yours'. 'and then go.'
and then actual whining. re why. can you believe it, actual outright whining. because theres just one of you.
and the back and forth re my 60 by 60. because you're right there, why would i not ask you. and because if i could just keep you there till i finish it. but you're so persuady. and i clicked, and it crashed. how funny. and you went in. and i did the same on a different comp and That blacked out. all i needed was that one line and it just won't let me hah! and then the third comp semi acted up, and by the end of that one line, i was sure you'd gone into the utility, right behind me. but you weren't. and thats one thing, that you didn't come over to see me have my paddy. like you did when we went into PIU because you said come in here with me and so of course i did. and you wanted to know if it was personal, etc etc environmental, and i picked environmental though it gave you a bad picture but really, isn't the underlying thing always personal, because its you? but you didn't anyways, n i still don't really know why you hadn't put down what to do, were you coming back? were you waiting for me to call, like you said you knew i would?
but anyways. then there was Nic about how she didn't know where you'd gone because she hadn't heard your laugh, and have i heard you laughed, and of course i have. the evil one.


Pto

insightful

22/4/12 13:56

Except you were the one that doomed me.

sortof.

Maybe not because you left,

not anymore

But what you left me with.




Its not the same,

the 'we' kinda stung because even you don't have much hope for me.

But mine was more along the lines of


What if i never do?

'discharge' protocol you supposedly came up with

Depressed.

i apologize.

but there is more and nothing to be said about that oh well.

So i think about the amazingly adorable 3 1/2 yr old with ?asthma and speech delay and his planting the sloppiest kiss on my lips ever.

And the whiny cutey today who reached out to me to be carried/cuddled even when he was with mum.

And Iron infusion vs. Blood transfusion - same difference.

evinced (but not)

Theres a good reason why we shouldn't open up n talk about our dark secrets.

ps. i need cake

need serious self injury at the moment.

The things i didnt say..

Hey _____?

Erm I'm gonna make a silly proposal now but just bear with me.. n erm.. don't say no too quickly?.. :p

Do you have somewhere you desperately need to be at now?

Something waiting for you at home?

Well, i know you're all dressed and ready to go now but,

why don't you park that bike back where it was parked before,

n you n me go across to the pub,

and i'll buy you a drink?

the last 3 days

Number one.
what kind of relationship can it be when i have to be afraid?
its no wonder i dont really trust you.. or anyone..

Number two.
please stop using me, after 3 hrs sleep and 14 against my will.
im so tired inside.. because, it hasnt been good and its exhausting when you trample over my free will..

oh god, fear vs. will, who'dve thought i could apply a marvel movie to my life.

really, its only the people you love who can hurt and disappoint you.

want me a lil bit more..

"theres no gravity.."

How can you ask so much from someone you respect so little..

back

if you didnt hope, maybe you wouldnt want. as much.

i wish we weren't.


if we weren't,
there wouldnt be hope,
there wouldnt be want.
as much.


(but)
how empty would it be when there was no hope?

note,
i dont want to be something thats pretending to be special, but isnt really.
id rather we be honestly non-special.

id rather (???) we be none.

(but then again?)

but then again.

i guess when you cant have what you truly want,

nothing else can be good enough.

--
but i'm ok.

insomniacs hold

if you must know,

i think about going. alot of times.
this being one of those times.

(will u ever let me?)

not like theres anything Here for me anyways

its not like we can talk.

its not like you let me just, find you.

n thats great, thats where we are, if we weren't here i wudnt be where i am.

so.
anyways.

maybe when you dont just keep us where we are; it messes things up.

so.

Dont look for me, because i cant give you anything. because you wont let me.
so dont look for me. because it Sucks for me, when i cant give you anything.

ARGH, END already.

2.53am

to cut through all the whining :--

i found out what you keep me around for

(great timing, just as ive been questioning as well.)

..someone needs to get u to get, it doesnt make a difference if im there.


ps. wish i was allowed to whine more.
:)

you and me

Sometimes, many times, i'm faced with the decision of picking between you and me.

Most times i'll pick you..
and i'll regret it.

Sometimes i'll pick me..
and i'll regret it.

Win-win this, isn't it?

Dont sit outside the cave door

ah, its been awhile, again.

Today i learn that i am tropical weather. and green.
not just green green, but green of the grass during the night.

I dunno about the green though, but i guess i could be the still of the grass during the night.
Like dusk. I would like to be dusk.
But maybe i am a later time than dusk.

Rambles.

Tropical weather.
N if you wanna know why the outlook is overcast, its because having you in my life brings on the rain.
You are my forecast.
You are what gives them the scorching sun, and the relentless rain.
but now, mostly the rain.

Ah well.
Relented.
a moment of weakness and 'added more of you to my life'
well, well.
tumultuous.

Upsetting though..
To be like the guy in Perfume.
while you will always be, like the last girl he sought, the prized one.
hmm.
ah well well well.

i wish i may, i wish i might,
but whats the point of wishing on a star at night.


P.s. oh but dont let that make you think i am unhappy.

=)

=)

if i accept this,

it just means ive lost respect for who you are..